(TW ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND SUICIDE NOTE)
A/N~ I have no clue when this happened but it did sometime in 2020 and I wanted to include it. So I found out there were some events before this occurred so I will try to explain it to the best of my ability. And I will be posting the actual note I wrote during this night. Also I'm trying to write this in present tense but past tense may accidentally pop up.
————————————————
Arson's Pov~
It's November 7th and I'm sleeping over at Emilice's house today. I absolutely love sleeping over at her house it's always so much fun! A few nights ago I did something horribly stupid. I texted Emilice telling her that I'd wanna be Elsa if they did Frozen Junior and I know she wanted that role very much. I texted her saying you will probably get the mom again ha! She blocked me and told Brody to tell me Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop being an asshole or else I will pretend she doesn't exist anymore 😊. And we didn't talk to each other for the rest of that day. I've never not talked to her for half a day it was so hard I wanted to tell her every little bit of my day. We had rehearsal that night and I avoided her so much I was so afraid, we also had this caroling thing and we both didn't like anyone else there so it would've been very weird. She came over by me and said she wasn't mad. We apologized and now here we are.
I arrive at Emilice's house. We always have a sleepover before railroad so we can practice our lines. Railroad is where we have to be off script and if we mess up we have to do push ups it's not that fun. The current show is Willy Wonka Junior. I play Veruca Salt, the bratty British girl. Emilice plays Charlie's mother. And Ivan plays Mike Tv, the boy obsessed with electronics. We talked for a bit about random stuff.
A while passes by and it's about 8pm. We pull out our scripts and do our scenes. Emilice is only in the beginning and end of the show. I don't have many lines but I'm in most scenes and so is Ivan. I was so exited to show Emilice and Ivan my song we came up to the scene with my song in it.
"I'm bored. We should play among us!" Ivan shouted
"Can I sing my song first?"
"Later, later" Emilice jumped off her bed grabbed her phone.
"Wanna play Arson?"
I wanted to play but I really wanted to sing my song but they brushed me off. I shook my head no and laid facing the wall. I put my earbuds in and put on Worthless by Eli.
(A/n Song above. Tw song talks about sh)
I curl up into a ball wanting to cry but can't in front of Emilice and her brother. They are still playing Among us until Ivan has to head to bed.
Now it's just me and Emilice, sitting in silence. It wasn't awkward silence though. I start thinking of all the things Emilice said a few nights ago. And all of a sudden I start having bad thoughts. Thoughts of killing myself. I'd never be able to hurt myself but overdosing was my go to. I know that sounds bad but life can get hard sometimes. I look over at Emilice who is in her phone watching tiktoks and I grab my backpack and put my hand in the front pocket grabbing 4 pills of methylphenidate aka ADHD meds. They were only 5mg though so I'd have to take the whole bottle to die. I didn't know how to tell Emilice how I was feeling. Still listening to my music I started writing a suicide note. Something I've never done before. I started with
Dear Emily,
Yes this time this is a suicide note... I've been feeling horrible forever and I just wanted to let you know that I love you but I just couldn't move on. You were fine before meeting me, you may have not been in the best place but you have many people that care about you probably more than I do. When I got you mad you said "Tell her to shut the fuck up and stop being an asshole or else I will pretend she doesn't exist anymore 😊" and that really hurt me. So I'll save you the pretending. And being compared to "psycho" it made me feel horrible. Now I know how she feels being left out, sure she was mean but she doesn't deserve that. And I honestly feel bad for her. Your friendship with Em ended cuz you ended it. I will be watching over you making sure that you are okay. I just felt left out and I couldn't get through that. Just know you have been such a good friend I've been a shitty friend but thank you for being there when you could. I guess my wish did come true. I know I messed up our friendship because I couldn't keep my mouth shut but sometimes I'm hurting and I'm scared to tell you because you might get mad. Its so hard to tell you things or what I'm feeling because I'm scared how you are gonna react so I kept so much to myself.
I didn't know what else to write. I didn't want it to be short so I started googling things to add to it. I needed to tell someone how I felt so I texted Echo. Echo is one of my online best friends. She has kept me from killing myself before and I was hoping she could do it again. At the same time I was hoping Echo would text Emilice about what's going on with me.
Echo
Hey... I'm at Emily's house and I've taken 6 adhd pills. I don't wanna stop
Arson! People love you! What's going on?
I just felt left out today. It was like I wasn't there. Emily and Ivan were playing Among us and I was just listening to music on her bed.
Did you talk to her about this?
I don't wanna hurt her. 7 pills now
Stop! I will tell Emilice!
Go ahead.
I also texted Brody but stayed brief with him. I just texted him saying "Don't cry when I die" I never explained to him why I said that but he knew something was up.
About 30 minutes go by and I've added this to my note
It's so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint-it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet. I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend. There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever. This is what I want so don't be sad. You ought to know, you were my best friend. You were. I know you loved me. I loved you. No one should have gone through what we went through, but we did. And it kills me to think of it. But You didn't love me like I loved you.
It was about 1am. Emilice and I started sending each other tiktoks but I've added this.
I don't hate you for that. It just makes me sorry, that there isn't someone else who could love you better. I know when you think about how I went, you'll get it. I was always uneasy about being alive. The idea of being dead makes me feel clear. When I think of it. It makes me think peace, peace, peace. It makes me happy. I am looking forward to it, to the absence of everything. And so I want you to be happy for me, that this is better for me. That I found what I needed. I know you won't be. But it's the last thing I want. You happy. I just need a rest, im tired about being an asshole and making everyone bad, i really hope that everyone have a very goood life, you know... when i think about kill myself i feel peace, i tried to make good things in my life and all of that is a fucking mistake, i cant even look at people at the face, i have lost confidence and i am always sad, shit, i really hope that god forgive's me and everyone that i love, i know that i have people that love's me but i cant keep doing this, i already hate me. Thank you. I hope you find someone to love you as much as I loved you.
Love, your best friend Arson
I finally finished that one note. I had to write one to Brody too otherwise it wouldn't be fair I started writing his. But Emilice looked at me calmly and said.
"Why do I have people telling me you want to overdose?"
"Because I want to?"
"What why?" She asked me concerned and scared
"I asked if I could sing my song and you and Ivan didn't care. You asked how I was a few times, I said fine. Fine never means fine and I wanted to see if you realized it. I didn't wanna tell you so I told Echo."
Emilice took my backpack and put it on the side where I couldn't reach it.
"I didn't even notice you had earbuds in"
"Exactly. I'm sorry if I scared you it's just hard sometimes" I replied to her.
"I know but that doesn't mean you try and kill yourself."
"I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm tired why don't we just go to sleep." I was tired, I still wanted to kill myself but I know it was wrong.
"Fine but I'm not going to sleep until I know you are asleep" I love that she cares about me. I feel so bad for putting this on her. But I laid down on the blow up mattress on the floor and fell asleep.
-
It was morning already. Emilice looks so peaceful when she sleeps, that sounds creepy but to me it isn't. I have to leave at like 10am for something (a/n I don't remember) so I was awake at 930. We stayed up pretty late last night so Emilice said bye from her bed and went back to sleep as I left. That night was the worst sleepover ever, but I'm glad I was with Emilice.
————————————————————-
A/n~ This was super hard to write. I've never shown anyone that note, but it's significant to the story. Thank you for reading. I'm okay now.
~Nellie (Same person I just go by Nellie now)