jayden
love was considered the most beautiful thing in the world, until my generation was born.
it's just hook ups and constant pain to your heart.
love is now just another reason to die.
am i in love with billie? shit, im a dumbass bitch so probably. even after all the fighting we do... i think i am.
sometimes she can be the sweetest thing on earth or she can be the most cold hearted toxic bitch ever.
i wish i could have her sweet side all the time. i want her to call me at two in the morning because she misses my voice. i want her to hold me so tight because she's afraid of losing me.
yeah she does things like that but later on we're back to cussing each other out because of something stupid.
my hearts been hurting by all the shit she tells me whenever we're fighting.
it goes from wanting to break up with her then to regretting i ever thought about that because she's being cute.
our relationship is so confusing
am i happy?
yeah sometimes i am and sometimes i'm not. i'm definitely tired of acting like everything's okay after we finish fighting.
i wish i listened to sage. i really wish i did because i wouldn't have to be dealing with this shit.
billies currently in front of me yelling her ass off because i did something? i actually have no clue what i did to get her so pissed.
she made me block jazmin the other night. i feel bad because i didn't want too. then i told her to block that kristina bitch and then she went on a whole ass rant about how she would never do what i did and proceeded to make me feel like shit afterwards.
gaslighting at its finest
"you're not even fucking listening" billie stood in front of me and pointed at her head. "it's like you don't care about this relationship"
i just blinked at her because i was tired.
"do you even care?" she tilted her head. "because that dumbass face of yours tells me you don't"
i looked away from her and leaned back on the couch. i let out a sigh and made eye contact with her.
"you know billie" i started. "i'm really starting to think getting with you was a fucking mistake. all we do is fight fight fight and fight and then we fuck like nothing ever happened"
"okay...? what you're saying is?"
"i think we should break up" i sighed. "im tired of this shit"
"baby you don't mean that" billies face changed. "you don't mean that at all"
"baby i do" i chuckled sarcastically.
"you never cared huh?" she crossed her arms. "you never gave a single shit about me did you?"
"jesus billie" i groaned. "i'm over here doing all the shit you tell me to do. i let you control me, i literally take care of you after your fucking fights, i do everything for you hoping that you would fucking change and stop being such a damn bitch!"
"all you fucking do is make me feel like shit! all you fucking do is get mad at me for the littlest things and when i'm over here suggesting we should break up you end up getting mad at me, and for what? it's what i wanna do because i'm tired of this fucking relationship! i'm tired of you!"
"jayden baby i'm so sorry" billie kneeled down in front of me. "i didn't know you felt this way"
"bullshit" i said while pushing her away from me. "you knew exactly how i feel. i've even told you before yet you still do this. you hurt me constantly. you don't care, i don't think you ever did. because if you did you wouldn't be saying and doing all this shit to me!"
"you're a selfish, conceited, egotistical, narcissistic bitch!" i spat at her. "all you care is about your damn self and not about me. i literally do anything for you. and i'm fucking stupid for that! so i really think we should break up"
"no jayden please" billie came up to me again and wrapped her arms around me. "i'm sorry, i'll try to change please... just don't leave me"
"why" i said while pushing her away from me. "i'm tired of you"
"jay please" she pleaded. "please don't"
"why do you always do this shit?" i sighed. "i say i wanna break up then you are begging on your fucking knees for me not to leave. you make me feel like shit all the time billie..."
"i'm sorry baby" billie told me. "i told you i always end up hurting the people i love... i don't do this on purpose"
"yeah right" i scoffed. "leave billie"
"what?" she looked at me with a confused expression.
"get the fuck out of my house" i said quietly. "i don't want you here, i'm tired of your constant, hurtful shit you tell me. i'm tired of fighting with you. i'm done billie, i'm done with you"
"jayden please" billie got closer to me and gave me a sad look. "one more chance baby please"
"i've given you so many fucking chances billie" i shook my head. "and you haven't changed at all. i stopped doing all my dumb shit but you haven't, leave"
"come on angel" billie grabbed my hands and squeezed them. "please don't do this, i'm sorry. i'm fucking sorry! i'm a shitty person i'll stop, i'll try my best to make you happy and stop making you feel like shit, please don't do this jay"
i stared into her eyes when she said that. it looked like she actually meant it? she looked scared for some reason... i don't know?
i cant read her.
"jay" she whispered. "come on... please"
i looked down at my feet and let out a sigh.
"stop being such an asshole to me" i mumbled quietly while wrapping my arms around billie. "i hope you know words and actions hurt... they hurt a lot"
"i know baby" billie said while hugging me tightly. "i'm so sorry"
i stayed quiet and just hugged her for quite a while. billie decided to pick me up so my legs were wrapped around her waist.
i feel like a big ass baby but whatever. i'm just enjoying the moment.
billie walked to my loft and sat on the couch with me on top of her. i picked my head up from her shoulder and looked at eyes.
she brought her hands up to my face and stroked my cheeks with her thumbs.
"jayden?" billie said quietly.
"yeah bil?" i hummed.
"i love you" she whispered while looking deep into my eyes.
huh?
i stared at her with wide eyes for a little bit until i snapped back into reality.
"you do?" i said faintly.
billie nodded her head and let her hands fall down on to my thighs. "i'm pretty sure i do" she told me quietly.
do i love her? even after all the shit she puts me through? i think i am?
"billie?" i looked at her and gave her a small smile.
"yeah jay?" she smiled at me.
"i love you too" i whispered.
she grabbed my face and pressed her lips against mine. she gave me a sweet passionate kiss which was kinda weird because she never really kisses me like that.
"say that again that sounded good" billie had a huge smile on her face.
"i love you too" i giggled.
she pecked my lips a few more times and held me tightly.
"no more fights?" i asked her quietly.
"no more fights" she repeated and kissed me again.
i wanna stay like this forever