Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
Nobody said it would be this hard.
-Coldplay's The Scientist.
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We have two weeks of vacation. I am not grateful because school works are the only one that can divert my mind from overthinking. I read some blogs about LDRs and they ended up with each other because odthe understanding and trust they have for each other.
But no matter how many blogs I read, the pain is still there. It has been three days since that fainting incident and I still haven't received any reply from him. No call backs. I never bothered to message him or call him. I am just, tired. Too tired. Exhausted.
I looked at the city view from my window, while still sitting on my bed. I am so tired of waiting for his reply or for him to call back. Maybe we should end this. Maybe we are thinking this will work because we are too blinded by romance but this is the reality! We will never work.
Tears started falling. I sighed and lied down on the bed. I covered my face with my arm again as I continue to cry. I started getting hiccups but I still cried. I have to release the pain. Staying silent won't heal this.
I cried when I remember his words. It made me think twice. My memories with him made me think that all of this is worth fighting for so I just need a little more patience and understanding. I think that is what he is doing too. Trying to regain energy because he is drained. But there is a part of me that is saying this will just make me feel tired. It will just pain me more. But there will always be this portion in my mind that thinks all of the pain will result to something beautiful. Something great.
No, this has to end.
If I am not gonna end things with him, how is our future gonna turn out? Toxic? Worse? I don't know. So we should end this nonsense as early as possible. We should wake up to the reality of the romance we are trying to take to forever. Because things will turn out the way we didn't expect it to be.
I got a notification on my phone. I checked it and saw that it was a random number
From : Unknown
'I am sorry for not being with you, Mika.'
I stared at my cellphone screen. Tears started falling more. They are falling like there is no tomorrow. Why do I have to experience this kind of pain? This world has brought me pain before, I am full of heartbreaks. I sometimes feel tired too. I am just a human who also have my limits. Is this Eren?
From : Unknown
'We have a two-week vacation. Should I go there? I will do everything you tell me to make up for the times I am not with you. I am sorry.'
To : Unknown
'Eren?'
From : Unknown
'Yeah. How are you? I love you.'
I took a pillow to hug and cry to. I wanted to stay but I can't lose myself to keep on loving you. He is right, you don't have to be whole to be loved. But you have to be whole to give the proper kind of love. And right now, we are still broken. We should live for ourselves first and maybe someday, we are gonna be given a chance to mend our broken past. I put the pillow aside and texted back.
To : Unknown
'I need rest. We both need rest.'
It was just seconds before he replied.
From : Unknown
'I will take care of you then. I still have energy to take care of you.'
It pains me to know that he doesn't get what I wanted to tell him.
To : Unknown
'I am saying let's end this. We both need rest from this relationship.'
I bit my lips as I tried to muffle my cries. I am sorry, but I love you. I gave you everything, I just became empty. I am sorry, Eren. I am sorry. I hope you are not mad at me. I am sorry, I promise I am sincere. I love you.
From : Unknown
'Mikasa, I don't get it.'
To : Unknown
'I am saying let's break up. I am so tired. I am sure you are too.'
From : Unknown
'I am not. I promise I am not. Let's fix this.'
Please don't do this to me...
To : Unknown
'But I am so let me rest.'
'I can't take this anymore. I am tired. Exhausted to be exact.'
'Let's end this. I want us to break up.'
Am I being harsh?
From : Unknown
'But I don't.'
Seconds later, I heard a knock on the door. I stood up and walked to it. I opened it and his tired eyes welcomed me. We stared at each other for a minute before he grabbed me for a hug. Eren...
"See? I am not tired. I was already at the lobby of your unit. I left Trost yesterday. I am not tired when it comes to to you. Should I cook something for you? Or maybe we can order your favorites?" He cried on my shoulder. I didn't hug him back and just stood there while crying. "Come on, let's go inside and we will watch your favorite movie." He grabbed my arm and he walked inside. I closed the door and removed his grip from my arm. I saw shock in his eyes, tears started to fall more.
"I told you I want everything between us, done." I coldly said.
"But I don't." He really is stubborn. "Our relationship is not just about your decisions. They are mine too. You don't get to decide by yourself. And you can't end everything through a text message. If you are tired then rest but you don't have to leave me."
"If you didn't want this to end in the first place you should've at least answered my calls or texted me back. Where were you when I need you the most? I felt so lost, alone, and abandoned. Do you know that?" I cried. He tried to hold me but I pushed his hand away.
"I am sorry. My phone accidentally fell when I was running to Professor Smith's office. I tried to have it repaired but it wasn't fixed I have to buy a new one. I promise I will be more careful next time." He forced a smile.
"Stop." I said. He looked at me. "Stop making excuses. Are you cheating on me? Is it because I am not with you on Trost?" He looked at me with pain and sadness. Maybe he is cheating on me.
"How can you accuse me of something like cheating? I can never do that to you. Don't you trust me?" He looked down and covered his face with his palm.
"Then where were you when I am lying in a hospital bed looking so pale and weak? When I needed to at least hear your voice. When I wanted to receive at least a reply? Where were you when I need to lean on you? Where were you? You were never there when I needed you. You are always absent whenever I am in pain." I sat on my bed.
"I thought you understand?" He whispered.
"I did! And whenever I am losing it, I try. I tried and I tried, Eren! I tried. Multiple times. But this? I can't. I can't anymore." I wiped my tears and looked at him. He is still crying. His tears were genuine. "I thought I am the dream?" I asked him.
"You are. You will always be."
"No, Eren. I never became your dream. Because your dream is Trost. It is Law School. It was always Law. Congrats, because you achieved to go to TLS. But you lost me. You lost me, Eren. But don't worry you will be successful." I stood up and pushed him, wantimg him to leave. He held my arms and hugged me.
"But Mika, I am only successful when I have you."
I opened the door and tried to push him away from me. I am strong but his hug is so tight like he doesn't want to let me go. I waited minutes before he released me from the hug.
"I need you." He said.
"You just need me but you don't love me."
"I need you because I love you." He answered once again. He is making everything so hard. It is already hard to end this. Everything just keeps adding up.
"Is it really over?" He asked again. I nodded. He walked outside my unit so I shut the door. I sat on the floor and cried. I scrunched my knees to my chest and hugged myself.
I love you, but this is not the time for us.
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:))