"Maybe we were meant to meet but not to be, because you were mine just yesterday. When the time is right, you will find me again."
I clenched my fingers into a fist and opened them again multiple times, trying to readjust to the feeling of no longer having a cast. My hand felt weak. No matter how much I enjoyed getting the cast off, it still felt strange. It had healed really well. I mumbled a short thanks to the nurse before jumping off the bed. My eyes landed on Roxy sleeping in the bed next to me.
I went by her on the way out, placed a kiss on her temple before leaving. She squirmed underneath my touch, and I smiled at the sweet sound leaving her. I had hoped she was awake when I came to get my cast of. When I saw that she wasn't, I had just decided to leave the room again. There was no need to wake her. She was extremely tired because she had been haunted by nightmares lately.
Her memory had suppressed the events of that night, but they had now returned with a sweet vengeance. Roxy had finally remembered some of it and it had broken her further. Elijah had been to see her as well, I had always remained outside whenever he was there. We hadn't really spoken together since our initiation. He was still mad at me for some strange reason.
I kept opening and closing my hand while moving down the hallway towards the dining hall. My hand felt really weak. I couldn't get used to the sensation. I groaned when entering the dining hall, almost immediately steering towards the leader table. I had noticed Eric sit with his back to me, Valentine on his right and an empty spot on his left.
Still, I decided to sit down on the opposite side, next to Abby who smiled at me. It had been weird around Eric ever since I witnessed the erudite carrying things into dauntless. I had been wanting to yell at him, to scream, even hit him but knew deep down it would get me nowhere. Eric raised an eyebrow when I sat down opposite him, then he reached for my hand. I allowed him to grab mine, trying not to recoil from his touch.
"You've gotten your cast off." He smiled to me. I nodded and retracted my hand. I showed him the hand and wriggled my fingers. I had wanted to say something but Max sat down at that very moment. I twitched, hand returning to the table before he even began speaking. Everything was shifting. And I couldn't stop seeing Max for the liar he was. While frowning, my eyes narrowed at the man before I reached for a piece of bread.
Eric had noticed my strange behavior towards him and Max. But I had luckily avoided telling him the truth. Abby had helped me, explaining how stressed I was with everything and that it was normal the first year as a leader and that Eric should just give me space. But it was not the case, it was a lie. Honestly, I couldn't bear to look at Eric. I pushed him away, shielded my heart from further break if this war tore us from each other anyway. He had chosen his path long ago, and it didn't include me.
Eric was the first to leave the table. He stood and leaned towards me, intending to claim my lips but I moved away. Eric recovered by placing a kiss on my temple. I noticed the twitch of anger and knew he would soon explode at me. But I didn't know what to do, or how to begin the conversation. We needed to talk together but how could I start the conversation?
He had been busy with the initiates and I would always be asleep or in bed when he came home. It had been long since he had touched me and I him. We hadn't even cuddled. I felt tears swell at the thought. What was I doing?
Abby grabbed my hand when she noticed. It forced me to look at her. "You need to talk to him, sweetie. This will end badly." Abby sighed. I was ready to protest but she held up a hand to stop me. "I know—but doing this, will only push him further away. I know you love him, like he loves you. Now you both really need to talk about this." Abby ordered more than suggested. She had even raised a finger at me.
My eyes dropped to the pointed finger before lifting back up to her eyes. They were slightly narrowed and very serious. I blew out a breath and nodded. "I will—just—"
"No—no excuses." Abby interrupted, a stern expression on her face. "Now go!" She almost pushed me off my stool. I rolled my eyes at her action but stood up nonetheless. My chest constricted when I moved away from the table. I ran after Eric. I caught up with him in the hallway outside the training room. I only needed to call his name once to make him stop. He halted, body taut before slowly turning around to face me. He was angry, very angry.
"Eric—" I trailed off and he raised an eyebrow at me. He even crossed his arms against his chest, resuming a protective stance. I took a deep breath and nibbled at my lower lip. "Whatever you're doing I need you to stop." My hands clenched into fists. My words had been ambiguous, I had wanted him to stop this attitude but also literally wanted him to stop helping his mother.
"You need me to stop?" Eric questioned, biting down the scoff that threatened to leave him as his eyebrows furrowed. "You have no idea what I'm doing—what I'm doing for you!" He sneered the last part at me.
"Eric!" I pleaded and resisted the urge to scream at him "How can I know what you're doing if you don't tell me! I saw erudite move crates into dauntless! Whatever it is your mother has told you—" I stepped forth but Eric moved back as well.
"I know you understand that erudite is doing more than what Max lets on." Eric spoke carefully. "My mother forced me into this, into her trials. She is hunting the divergent. She needs dauntless support because we are the warrior faction. We keep the peace—I had to." Eric whispered and reached for me, but I recoiled, moving beyond his reach. His demeanor had changed. There were no regret but he still sought me.
"You had too?" I scoffed. But that was a mistake, every muscle pulled taut when he lowered his arms again. The motion excecated rather awkwardly. "Don't give me that! Erudite is pressing the boundaries! They're moving beyond their jurisdiction!" I snapped but Eric growled at me, raising his arms in defeat. "Those accusations against abnegation they're not true!"
"How can you say that? They're clearly harboring divergents." Eric scoffed but I exclaimed an annoyed sound, catching him a bit off guard.
"I've been there, twice now. They're the most peaceful people I've ever met! They're selfless damn you! They're giving up so much and value what we take for granted—" Tears were swelling in my eyes and I had to look away from him.
"Octavia what have you done?" Eric asked me, disbelief visible in his eyes. "I cannot protect you if you do things like this—erudite is about to take control of the government, abnegation cannot be trusted to lead anymore." Eric shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"You sound just like your mother." I scoffed. But my words hit a sore spot and Eric jolted, eyes snapping back to me. "How can you say that? How can you claim to protect me? Everything you've done, you've done for yourself or your damn mother—"
"You don't even get half the picture! Wake up! Orders are not optional—and I did it all for you!" Eric yelled at me, taking a step forward, simultaneously making me take one back, cowering a little at the change in him. "Octavia, I did it all for you!" Eric repeated, this time lower because the door was open to the training room.
Tears swelled in my eyes, and I slapped him. The hit arrived before Eric could anticipate it and the force sent his head sideways. "You say you did it for me—then why!" I screamed at him. Eric ground his teeth and grabbed my arms before forcing me backwards, pinning me against the wall. I slammed against it, the back of my head took some of the impact and I cried out.
I saw a twinge of regret in his eyes before they hardened again. "Orders are not optional! Max strongly believes you're divergent. I had a hard time talking him out of it and when he mentioned it to my mother—well you don't understand half of what I've done for you! I made this choice to protect you." Eric slammed me against the wall again, making me cry out once more.
The second he relented on his grip and allowed me to stand on the floor again, I yanked an arm out of his hold, stomped my heel on his foot before punching him this time. Eric stumbled away, holding a hand over his chin as blood flowed from a split lip. I had hit him hard. New tears were swelling, and I allowed them to fall. "To protect me? Ha, don't make me laugh!" I scoffed.
"Look beyond your own damn nose—this is greater than either of us." Eric scoffed and dried the blood away but new replaced it right away. "You're truly the most selfish person I've ever met." Eric snorted and stepped towards me again, this time raising to his full height. But it didn't intimidate me at all.
"Selfish?" I snorted. "Don't make me laugh Eric." I bit at him and crossed my arms over my chest. "You've helped erudite—you've helped your mother and for what? If she gets control of the government, what will she not do? She will most definitely find out about me! That gadget—how many innocent lives must be taken before you understand that this will only lead to more bloodshed—"
"I have found a way to live with the blood on my hands." Eric whispered while straightening up. He had also noticed the curious faces were peeking out from the door. My eyes traveled to them for but a moment and I noticed it was some of the dauntless born initiates. I scowled at them, but they didn't cover. I didn't spike fear like my fellow leaders.
I ground my teeth again and stepped towards Eric. He narrowed his eyes at me when I dared raise my hand again. I screamed at him and raised it higher but couldn't execute the hit. I sobbed, quickly lowering my hand again and sidestepped him. I then stormed down the hallway, past the curious initiates, ignoring their gasps and looks after me.
New tears were constricting my field of view and I couldn't believe what had just happened. Eric had really thought he had done this to protect me. If at all, he had only exposed me further to his mother's trials. They found divergent extremely dangerous. If Janine ever found out I was divergent, she wouldn't hesitate to kill me.
I found another way out of dauntless and sprinted down the familiar roads towards the only place I could be truly alone. I found the building I always climbed but hesitated at the bottom. I looked at my previously bound hand, opened and closed my fingers, testing the strength before deciding to just go for it.
While reaching for the first ledge, I kept in mind to go slow. My hand was weak, and I felt the difference right away. It was difficult to grab the building, but I managed and soon I reached the ledge, leading into the building. I took the staircase two steps at a time, bursting out onto the open roof. I blew out a breath of relief when the solitude hit me.
I blinked more tears away and drew my arms around my chest, keeping them close while turning to the amity fields, for the first time in two years I was wondering how my brother were doing. It had been three years since he had chosen amity. My chest constricted at the thought, and I had to wipe new tears away. A part of me longed for his presence. His hug.
Though I knew I had plenty of friends, right there and then, I felt utterly alone. New tears swelled at the thought, and I had to wipe them away with a quick motion of the back of my hand. My eyes were already red and itchy from all the crying. Yes, I understood Eric had tried to protect me, but he had only made things worse, so much worse. Regret flooded me, and I winced when digging my nails into my skin.
I had been in the wrong. Fuck. What had I done? I just couldn't look beyond the treacherous nature of Max and the plotting to overturn the government. The faction system was a fragile system. What would happen if erudite won? I couldn't comprehend it and had allowed my anger to get the best of me.
Once again, I screamed as loudly as I could and sank into a crouch. My hands traveled into my lose hair and tugged at it. His mother had clearly used Eric. I straightened up and kicked some of the rubble away from the ground. It rolled over the edge before plummeting to the ground. I could no longer stay here I had to get back—I had to apologize.
I ran the fastest I could, getting back to the compound within the hour. The sun had already begun setting in the distance and I knew where to go to find Eric. The hallways were pretty empty, everyone had already moved to the dining room. The familiar chaos drowned out my beating heart as I turned towards the leader table.
Abby caught my eyes and she smiled. She was seated opposite of Eric who had his back turned to me. The other leaders were there as well. This would not bode well. A confrontation was eminent but hopefully it would be more controlled with this many people around.
When I approached the table. I noticed the twitch go through Eric. He didn't need to look back to know it was me. He had already read Abby. When I placed a hand on his shoulder he recoiled, raising to his feet before I could say anything. He then turned to me, eyes narrow and cold. "Eric—" I swallowed but he cut me off.
"Don't touch me—" He sneered in a whisper. Eric then shifted closer to me, lowered his head and allowed me to see the full extent of the damage I had inflicted on him. "—Stay the fuck away from me." Eric scoffed, still low and in a whisper before he turned away from the table, pushing me aside with his shoulder as if I was nothing.
I grabbed his arm but he yanked it out of my grasp before storming out of the dining hall. I felt my heart ache. I was an idiot. New tears swelled when I threw myself down next to Abby. "I get that it didn't go well—did you hit him?" Abby asked torn between disbelief and disappointment.
"I allowed my anger to get the best of me." I whispered and crossed my arms, resting my elbows onto the table, however, my hands brushed two sore spot on either side of my arms. I winched and began rolling up my sleeve. Clear purple bruises were already forming, right where Eric had grabbed me.
"Did he do that?" Abby pointed and I nodded again. "Shit—you're more alike than I would like to admit." Abby sighed when wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry 'Tavia—this was not how I had wanted it to go." Abby whispered when someone approached us.
"Ezekiel?" I said surprised when he crouched down beside the table, arms crossed and resting on the table. "What are you doing here?" I continued when the brave guard just smiled at me.
"Head you two had a fight—just wanted to make sure you were alright." Ezekiel blew out a breath, eyes dipping to the purple bruise on my arm. "If you need anyone to talk to, or maybe just listen, even beat the crap out of that moron you love, just come find me—okay?" Ezekiel squeezed my forearm before standing up again. He pushed away from the table and I noticed Abby scowl.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, surprised to see such an expression on her face. I even though him brave for coming here. No one usually dared approach the leader table.
"Nothing sweetie, please just promise me that you won't ask him to beat up Eric—Ezekiel is stronger than he looks." Abby tried smiling to me but I felt there were still something she didn't tell me. "Has he always been this protective around you?" She suddenly asked once he was out of hearing range.
I shook my head. "No, not that I know." But this wasn't entirely true. This was the second, or third time he had come to help me. He acted like an overprotective brother, now that I really thought about it.