I SAT IN THAT BLOODY HALLWAY crying for what felt like hours, I couldn't feel my legs and I guarantee they're too weak to hold me so I just let myself break down. I can't believe I considered myself a good friend when I never even saw the signs that were right there.
I am either bloody fucking dense or I just never saw him that way to not even realize he didn't treat me like a friend the entire time. He hadn't been treating me like a friend for a while in the duration of our 'friendship'.
Why am I even crying?
It's not like it's my fault I don't feel the same, I shouldn't be sorry for having feelings for Harry instead who happens to return those feelings. I guess I'm hurting for Draco, I could only imagine the kind of pain I put him through.
But at the same tie, I don't owe him anything.
I'm conflicted.
"Lily?" I heard someone call out my name, I turned and looked up to see Harry looking down at me with worry.
"You heard, didn't you?" I asked him, returning my gaze to my hands limply resting on my lap and I didn't need to hear him answer to know what the short silence meant. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"What? Tell my girlfriend his Slytherin friend had feelings for her?" Harry asked chuckling sarcastically.
I bit my lip, almost drawing blood as I held back profanities threatening to spill. I'm too vulnerable right now, I might say things I don't mean and make a bigger mess out of all this. "How did you know, then?"
"I'm not blind," Harry got on his knees and placed his coat around my shoulders. "I saw the way he looked at you, it's the same way I look at you."
More tears came, I was basically sobbing and he wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm sorry, Lily," Harry whispered, tightening his hold on me as if he was afraid I'd face away into nothing if he lets me go. "I know he was your friend and you genuinely treated him as such but his parents are death eater, they're blood supremacists and with him, you'll never be safe."
I chuckled, wiping the tears on my cheeks and turned to Harry with a smile. "You say that as if I have ever been safe whilst I was with you."
He smirked at me and help me get to my feet, I clung to him to not lose my balance again, he did so by wrapping one arm around my waist and hoisting me up. "Wanna go back to the party?" He asked softly.
I shook my head to say no. "I'd rather go and sleep the rest of the night, I don't think I can keep partying."
"Too bad. I found out where the mistletoe was located." Harry teased and I giggled.
"Harry Potter, you're an idiot."
***
I ran down the hallway to catch up with the tired Hufflepuff making her way out of Charms class and she noticeably looks better, not really back to normal but better than before. A bit of colour finally returned to her face and the bags under her eyes weren't as dark.
"Rose!" I called out to her and she failed to turn around to face me, or she just didn't hear me so I ran faster and blocked her path. "Rose, can I talk to you for a second?"
Rose stayed quiet, waiting for me to say something and I let out a deep sigh, I have been running around the castle looking for her. I didn't really know her schedule and we barely shared classes together, and those classes she's been failing to attend.
I worry for her, but also, I wanna ask about someone.
"How's uhh," I bit my lip. "How's Draco?"
"He's not well," I felt my stomach turn. "But it's not just about that night of the Christmas Party, he's worrying about. . .a lot but I swear I'm looking out for him."
I hugged Rose. I don't know what I would do without her to be honest. "Thank you, I know you might only be doing this because I made you promise but thank you."
Rose pulled away, smiling at me and looking past my shoulders. I turned around and saw Draco standing a few feet away, staring at us and I parted my lips to say something but nothing came out.
"I'm sorry, Lily, I gotta go," Rose then walked away from me and towards Draco who kept his eyes on me but he was a bit too far away for me to even know what kind of expression he had on his face.
I watched Rose grab his arm and drag him away, while I stood there in that hallway realizing just how bloody messed up my life actually is. Dating Harry, being ex-friends with Draco, being a muggleborn, looking like Lily Evans and existing.
Existing is bloody tiring.
I hadn't asked for any of this. I didn't want to be born a Lily Evans look alike, a muggleborn witch, I didn't even ask to be alive! So why must I carry such a burden for simply existing?
***
"Draco Malfoy was in love with you?!" Hermione's eyes were the size of plates in the great hall from the shock and I rolled my eyes, looking around to find the library was nearly empty but she's still being too loud.
"Just announce it to the whole bloody castle, will you?" She smiled sheepishly and leaned forward to the table, bringing her face closer to mine.
"Sorry," She apologized. "You're like, not prank me, are you?"
I grimace at her. "Do you think I'd make a joke like this?" I asked her incredulously and she hesitated to answer which made me facepalm. "Don't answer that. Anyways, I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot, Lily. You just happen to only see him as a friend to know he had feelings for you." Hermione assured me with a small smile and I rolled my eyes.
"Would you say the same thing about Ron dating Lavender, then?"
Hermione failed to answer for a few seconds and I smirked in my victory at shutting Hermione Granger up. "But- but he's a right git." She stuttered and I chuckled at his attempts to make me feel better. "And he's not you. Ron did that on purpose."
"What happened between you two anyways?"
"He found out I kissed Krum and threw a fit," Hermione let out an exasperated sigh. "We we're fourth-years and this guy was incredibly charming and handsome, how could he blame me for being star-struck?"
"You're right," I crossed my arms and leaned back. "He is a git."
I let out a deep breath and shut my eyes for a few seconds. "We are amazing," I opened my eyes to find Hermione raising a brow at me. "We're smart, top of our classes, we don't look half-bad too and yet we fall for tosser."
Hermione laughed, I joined her in doing so and the laughter soon died down. "Do you think we'll end up together?" Hermione asked, her voice small and hesitant.
"Well if you don't," I placed my hand on top of hers. "It's his big loss."
***
We are finally on the train home for the Holidays, I promised Harry and Hermione I'd visit the 12 Grimmauld place at least once during our break in the holidays. I sat on the compartment next to Harry who had his arm around me.
I had my head leaning on his shoulder when I heard Ron groan, "Oh no." I then followed his line of sight to see Lavender knocking on the door of the compartment. She began fogging the class up with her breath, and began writing "R+L" inside a heart she's drawn.
I turned back to Ron who was forcing a smile at Lavender breathing on the compartment door and I was grimacing the entire time, what the bloody hell am I witnessing? What is this rubbish!?
I then pulled away a bit to find Harry looking anywhere but the door and I can't say I blame him, I turned back to the door and frowned at Lavender who kept her eyes on Ron. "I miss you." And then she walked away hesitantly.
I was unsure whether to laugh or be weirded out. Maybe both.
"Uhm?" I asked Ron who turned to me with a panicked expression.
"All she wants to do is kiss," Ron complained. "My lips are getting chapped. Look!"
He puckered his dry lips and leaned towards me for a better view which made me giggle 'cause I can't just outright laugh at his humorous misery, but I couldn't hold back when Harry pressed his palm against Ron's forehead and pushed him away.
"Stop laughing, I'm miserable!" Ron whined and crossed his arms like a spoiled child.
"That's why I'm laughing," I rolled my eyes at him and turned to the door to find Hermione about to walk in the compartment and saw the writing on the door, frowning and itching to erase it. "Just break up with her then."
"It's not that simple." Ron fired back.
"Sure it is."