The office was quiet this time around. The principal wasn't asking me non stop questions like last time. He just let me sit there, and let all of the pain out. I believe he did that for my sake, considering last time it was not helping in the slightest.
By the time I was in the office, I was more controlling of myself, but I still felt like total shit. I don't see how I couldn ' t feel that way. Again, just today I made so many wrong decisions that had ultimately fucked up other's days. Amity's and Boscha's primarily. Even though I don't like Boscha, I still feel bad about causing the falling out with her and Amity. They were probably great friends at some point, I just don’t know what happened.
The principal made a sigh as I was finally easing up on myself. He almost looked frustrated with my appearance again, but if he was, he tried his best to not show it, opting for more of a concerned look.
"Clearly Luz, something more must be happening if you're constantly having breakdowns like this." He cleared up his throat before continuing. "Now I'm not gonna ask what's going on, as that can be personal stuff you don't wanna talk about. I can respect that." He stood up next to me and gave me a pat on the shoulders.
"I'm….I'm sorry Principal Bumps…." He shook his head with a sympathetic look on his face.
"Don't apologize Luz, I know stuff like this is kinda out of your control-"
"No..." I interrupted him, causing a confused look on his face. I guess I better elaborate before he starts asking.
"...I'm sure you heard about the fight earlier right..?" The principal nodded.
"Of course, I was the one who called security down there." I lowered my head as I thought about everything for the 100th time today. It doesn't matter how much I think about it, I still feel like shit.
"....I was the one who unintentionally started it…." He looked at me with genuine confusion. I don't think he was expecting that.
"What do you mean?" He sat back down at his desk, looking at me as if to say "continue on".
"B-Boscha was being….well rude...to me….I already wasn't having a good day because I thought I was…" I felt the words locked in my throat, momentarily refusing to come out.
"...I thought I was having a falling out with Amity….and my day was already bad with that…" I felt a few more tears drip down my cheek as I remembered the events unfold in my head.
"....I kinda told Boscha off...and she didn't take it well….she was about ready to beat me up...until Amity arrived." The principal was listening intently, not saying a word as he listened in.
"....they had a falling out, and then had their fight….all because of me…" I sat there with my head down, trying so hard not to break down again. "It's my fault all of that happened."
"Luz-"
"Maybe if I just kept my mouth shut, none of this would've happened!" My body shook as I felt anger fill my body momentarily. "I always do this crap! I say something or do something that causes unintentional consequences to happen! I always overthink, and because of that, the worst happens! I’m such a fuck up! I was hugging my knees on the chair, as I felt my eyes fill up more with tears. I heard the principal stutter something, before backtracking and taking a sigh again, as he got up.
"Luz, I can assure you that you aren't...that." I looked up at him, feeling so much self hatred in myself. I was always like this, back in RVA. I would fuck something up, whether it be for class, or just driving kids away. I was always a fuck up. That was the reason why I didn’t have any friends. That’s why I didn’t fit in at all. Because I kept fucking everything up.
"Then why didn't anybody like me in my old school..?"
In my head, I said that with frustration, but it actually came out with such desperation, wondering why over and over again. Clearly he wasn't expecting that, as he stepped back a little with a look of sadness and pity. He contemplated what he would say, before a minute later, he finally closed his eyes and sat down in the empty seat next to me.
"Because there are some kids that are just….harsh and rude to the entire world...I know I've been through those people back then." He tried giving a slight smile, but it kinda faltered as he saw my exhausted face. "I am really sorry that you had those kids push you around, but I would like to tell you this. You are doing so much better here."
I looked at him as if he was crazy, but he must've known what I was about to say, as he cut me off.
"I know you must think I'm being crazy or stupid here right? I know, but just listen. You have friends here don't you?" I took a moment to think about the group: Gus, Willow, Jerbo, Viney and of course Amity. I nodded my head lightly. "Have you been having, at least for the most part, a better experience here?"
Again, I thought about my time here, and how it has been significantly better than RVA. I haven't been pushed down to the ground. I haven't had my items broken or stolen. I had none of that happen. I nodded my head again, seeing where he was going with this.
“Have you been more happy here?” Honestly, that one threw me off for a moment, because recent events have been pretty bad mentally towards me. I felt like I was back in RVA, and it truly scared me for a moment, but I took my mind off all of that, and thought about everything else. The group, the teachers, the better classes, the lack of multiple people pushing me down. The reduced number of insults thrown my way. It truly was so much better, and in turn, I was so much happier. I felt like I had meaning for once, and it felt so good inside me. I finally nodded my head, as a small smile formed on my face.
"That's where your mind should be right now. While recent events are fresh on your mind, you can't forget that you're still doing so much better here. You have people that care about you. They care about you so much that they would fight for you." He gave a more convincing smile, and I felt my already existing smile grow a little,, but it quickly faltered as I thought about Amity again.
"Still…I put Amity through so much today...I made her cry, I broke her heart...and now she is gonna be going through more because of the fight…" He shook his head towards me.
"While yeah, I can't really change anything in terms of punishment for both girls, you know, school guidelines that are out of my control. I can tell you that whatever happened earlier between you two will be a distant memory." I looked up at him with a skeptical look as he smiled down at me. "Even though you did that to her, she still willingly defended for you. She protected you." He gave me a light smile, as I felt a little hope surface. "Are you just gonna sit there and still think she doesn't care about you?"
I gave it some thought for a moment. He did have a point. If Amity didn't like me anymore, whether it be because of earlier or something else, she would've stayed back and let Boscha handle me around. She destroyed whatever relationship her and Boscha had, and it was for my sake. I didn’t ask for any help, or insinuate anything towards her when she appeared...that was something she consciously chose to do.
I wiped my eyes and started to smile as I thought about that. The principal lightened his expression, as the words finally registered to me.
"Yeah, I wouldn't doubt it for a second." He gave it a moment before continuing. "Do you think you can go back to classes, or are you not ready? I can't send you home again, but I'll allow you to sit in the lobby until you feel ready." I gave him a smile and nodded.
"I'll do that then. I still need to calm myself a little." I proceeded to get up from the chair.
"I'll give you a pass on this period, but try to be ready for the next bell. That'll give you 10 minutes." I nodded at him, but before I left, I turned towards him,
“Thank you...for the talk...it really helped a lot.”
He gave me a smirk as he sat back down at his desk.
“Just helping out one of my students in my school.” I smiled again, before closing the door, but I momentarily stood in front of the door as I heard him chuckle to himself.
"She really cares about Amity huh?"
I couldn't help but chuckle as well and blush.
Yes I do.
----------------------
It's been about 5 minutes since then, and I'm feeling a little better.
I mean there is no way I'll feel completely fine. I still feel absolutely horrible with everything I did to Amity earlier, but Principal Bump helped me feel better about the fight situation. He even gave me a little hope that Amity’s relationship with me is going to be fine.
He was right. At least I hoped he was right about Amity. She did willingly stand up for me. Like I said, I never asked for her help. She was there in a heartbeat for me. She even saved me from being beaten up by Boscha, and took the blows for me.
I have some mixed feelings about that. I didn't want her to get hurt, but she still willingly did it, without me asking or forcing her to do so, not that I would ever do that. I wouldn’t want anyone fighting for me, because I’d feel horrible about the injuries they would get.
I still remember the look she gave me earlier, right before they were dragged away. I can't describe what emotion she had, but I know exactly what she was asking with that look.
"Please forgive me."
I hope that's what she meant, because if so, she’s got my forgiveness.
A door shutting to my left snapped me out of my thoughts, and I saw Ms. Clawthorne walking out of the office.
Hmm, that's weird. When did she get in?
I must've been distracted when she entered, as I was heavily in my thoughts. She walked next to me, stopped and looked down.
"I heard what happened before, and why you're here now." She looked concerned. Not like in the fake way most teachers would, but genuinely. She was studying me, and gave looks of concern about my bleak expression..
"How are you feeling? Do you feel better?" I looked up at her and slightly nodded.
"Yeah, the principal helped me a little calm down...told me some stuff I hope is true." She gave a small smile.
"I heard about it too. I can say it is true sweetheart." I looked once again with a somewhat surprised look. "Like he said, Amity helped you out there, and defended you. Although the methods were a bit...extreme.." she squinted a little as she seemed to recall the news. "...it was still honorable for her to do that for a friend." I gave a small smile, as I looked away from her.
"It must've been rough, with whatever happened with you two earlier, but it looks like she was making an effort to make up whatever happened. Am I wrong with that?" I hesitated answering because that small part in my brain was still saying Amity wasn't my friend, but I brushed that aside and nodded my head lightly. She smiled as she looked at the clock.
"Hmm, the bell is about to ring. You have my class next right?" I thought for a moment before remembering.
"Yeah I do." She gave off a warm smile.
"Why don't I help you get settled down there. Would you like that?" I saw her hand outstretched as she got up, and I suddenly felt so warm in my chest. All the pain I was feeling suddenly vanished as she was offering her care. It was a minor thing, but it hit me so much deeper than it probably should've.
I grabbed her hand, and she pulled me up, but before she turned around, I gave her a hug. I know that's something people don't typically do to teachers, but I was a mess okay? Her kindness was just what I needed right now.
"Thank you…"
She gave a light one back as she chuckled.
"It's nothing kid. Now come on, let's get the class ready before we're too late." She opened the door, and politely kept it open for me. Grabbing my stuff, I walked out in the hallway, and proceeded to the next class.
I thought about Amity one more time, and that look she gave me. I really care about her still. I still love her, and more and more I thought about the fight, more I started to believe she still cares about me too.
I just hope she does.