Kristen turns around and sees the brunette at the door of the rehearsal room – Andy didn't tell her who she is working with. She was talking bubbly with the Disney people just before Idina comes in and is choked in the middle of a sentence. Desperately to avoid the awkward silence, she flounders forward, "H-hi. I didn't expect... Well, nice to meet you, Idina."
"Nice to meet you too," says Idina quietly, realizing everyone's eyes on her, she adds quickly, "Errr... I'm not late, am I?"
"No, definitely not," says Jason, who is the director for the Holiday Special show. "Okay, ladies, let's get to the real business. Your performance will be the last and most important one in the whole show. No pressure, though, just enjoy yourself. Dave, you good to go? We'll leave you to it."
The pianist nods and starts to play some simple tunes for warming up. Idina's voice flows after the piano and after a little hesitation, Kristen also chimes in. She hasn't heard of the brunette's voice for so long, or rather, to be in the presence of her voice. Although Kristen is reluctant to admit it, she feels thrills sending down her spine.
"Great, now let's get to the song, okay?" Dave flips through his music sheet to get ready and the two women nod silently in unison. The familiar prelude starts as Kristen sneaks a look at Idina, whose gaze is fixed on the music sheet before her, not paying attention to her surroundings. Kristen sighs in her mind, feeling helpless for the impending fact that they are going to have to sing the duet in the presence of each other, regardless of the deliberate avoidance in the past. Her thoughts are drawn back to reality when Idina starts to sing, "Sure it's nice to open a gift that's tied up with a perfect bow."
She utters her line, voice shivering, "But the greatest present of all was given to me long ago." No, I can't do this, Kristen thinks, glancing at the nearby brunette for the second time. She keeps staring straight in the distance and singing her lines, but her whole body tenses up when she realizes Kristen is looking at her.
"Wonderful, ladies," Dave says when they finish the last note together, "You sound absolutely beautiful. I'm sure everyone will love your performance! The first take is good enough but would you do a second take? This time maybe have some eye contact with each other."
"Sure, we'll try," Kristen's heart sinks as she looks over Idina, who must be sharing the same thought as her that their first take was nowhere near "good".
"Yeah," the brunette whispers. Idina knows that even though Dave has been encouraging, she herself would grade her performance as shit. It's true that she was hitting every note but she wasn't feeling anything she sang. She didn't dare to feel it. Still immersed in her own troubling thoughts, she heard Dave asking, "Idina? Are you okay?" She squeezes out a smile and tries her best to focus again, "Yes, of course. I'm good to go."
Deep breath, Idina, and do not bother with things unspeakable. They have been too complicated lately and out of control. Now just focus on the song and be a good actress as you should. As if having made up her mind, she turns around to look at Kristen and sings on.
"And when we're together, then my favorite gift is..." The brunette suddenly stops in the middle of a line, as if startled, and quickly lowers her head again. She whispers "I'm sorry but it didn't feel right. I need a minute" before sprinting out of the rehearsal room, hand covering her mouth.
"I'll check on her," Kristen gives Dave and Jason an apologetic look before following Idina out of the room. Her heart is pounding exceedingly fast and everything kind of mixes up in her head, but she can't leave Idina out of her sight although it takes extra effort for her small frame to catch up with the brunette's step. The brunette soon disappears into the stairwell and closes the door behind her.
Slowly approaching, Kristen freezes just before she is about to push open the door. For a while she just stands there, holding her breath, waiting, but no sound can be heard from within. Kristen swallows hard and finally gathers the courage to enter. She sees Idina resting her forehead against the wall, her eyes tightly shut, unaware of Kristen's entrance. She can hardly move and supposes it's best to give Idina her space and let her dictate the terms.
"I'm fine you know," after a long silence, Idina says stiffly.
"I know," Kristen replies softly.
"Then why are you here?" She snaps.
Kristen is slightly taken aback by the statement and turns to leave.
"Shit I'm sorry. I didn't mean that..." The desperation in Idina's voice makes Kristen's heart twitch. She turns around and watches the taller woman approaching tentatively.
"Kristen ... I'm sorry ... This sounds weird, isn't it? But I just, I couldn't bear it ... But anyway, it's so stupid. I shouldn't have made a fuss about it," Idina sighs and looks down at the ground again. "It's just ... We haven't seen each other for so long and I have hardly heard from you since we ... Never mind. But I think of you from time to time, uncontrollably. Sometimes I get so angry at you but mostly angry at myself. Whenever I think it's finally done, that I can pretend everything is normal, your name is brought up to my sight and now we're literally singing this damn song together." She suddenly stops herself and there is silence again.
"What's ... this?" Kristen asks carefully. "Dee, I..." She has absolutely no idea what she should do and what she is talking about, like she accidentally let the pet name slip out.
"I don't know. I don't know why I ... why I said all this to you and why I fuck up so many things. It's wanting to talk to you, wanting to be friends with you, even if I screwed up every possibility myself. But all I ever do is to run away when you come near ..."
"Oh, Dee, please don't cry," Kristen cuts her off when Idina's voice is completely muffled by sobs. No matter under what circumstances, she can't bear to see the brunette crying. She hesitantly holds Idina's hand for comfort.
The brunette finally fails to hold her tears back at Kristen's touch. Her body was shaking, herself fumbling for words. "Sorry" was the only word she manages to utter.
Suddenly, she feels two tender hands around her shoulders and soft lips touching hers. Looking through her watery vision, Idina sees Kristen kissing her gently and lovingly, sending shivers down her whole body.
They are probably both so overwhelmed that they keep still for a long time in silence. Slowly, Idina is able to return the kiss passionately and put her arms around Kristen's waist.
"I'm sorry," they say in unison after breaking the kiss, which sends them into a fit of giggles. "I hope you weren't too scared," Kristen blushes, still holding onto Idina's upper arms while Idina is holding her as well. She didn't realize that she has missed this feeling.
Wanting to feel the warmth, Kristen pulls closer and rests her head on Idina's shoulder. She sighs, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dee. The past years ... have been tough. I had been mean to you."
"You should have," whispers Idina. "I had been such a bitch. It's all screwed up..." She pauses, looking into the baby blue eyes, knowing every step she takes is a battle with fear. She finally says, "But maybe ... can we ... start over?" The moment she says it, she involuntarily wants to run away again, but she keeps standing steadfastly, feeling Kristen against her to stay calm.
"I-I don't know. But I want to try – and please don't cry anymore!"
"It's tears of happiness..."
They separate. Kristen sees Idina's beautiful green eyes light up with joy, like the sun that clears away the clouds. She thinks secretly about how adorable Idina looks just stupidly smiling at her and realizes she must also be looking like a happy idiot. "Let's get back to the rehearsal room," she finally says, feeling even more stupid.
"Yeah. I guess my diva moment is long enough," Idina cackles.
"Well then, dry your tears. That's truly diva," Kristen replies softly.
Deliberately starting a friendship is like walking on a tightrope. Besides, the expression "friendship" itself is all about blurring and crossing the line. Neither of Kristen and Idina dares to change the diction yet, but they both know the friendship that they are having is completely different from their start, the very beginning.
There were so many things raw and innocent when you knew someone for the first time. The pounding heart, the timidity, the carefulness to make the friendship flourish ... are never quite the same with "over". With "over", affection and desire grow like wild weeds.
In the café, the two women sit opposite each other. Kristen starts shyly, "Well, thank you for inviting me." The afternoon sun casts strips of golden lights on the table between them.
"I should say, thank you for coming."
"Well then," after some silence and staring, the blonde continues with a chuckle, "I don't suppose you asking me out just to sit and stare!"
"No ... I-I just don't know ... What did you do these years?"
"You mean you don't stalk me on the internet?"
"Well, I do. Obviously, I'm not really allowed sometimes ... but come on, I want to know."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Kristen blushes. She remembers having blocked Idina on various social media, "I-I finished House of Lies and now I'm doing The Good Place. Normal shooting stuff."
"Looks like I already know everything," Idina smirks.
"Alright, alright. Now tell me what did you do," Kristen demands. Before Idina can reply, she continues, "I-I saw you in If/Then."
"O-Oh."
"You were good, although the plot was a little difficult to understand ... and I probably wasn't paying attention that day. I wanted to see you in concert too but ... that didn't happen."
"Oh ... I saw you in The Good Place."
"Now we're speaking like real dorks!"
"Well, we kinda are!"
Kristen flashes a defiant smile at Idina's remark and turns to watch the fleeting vehicles outside the window. She isn't aware that Idina is also watching her ruminating. Suddenly the brunette breaks out, "Kristen, I..."
"What?"
"No ... never mind," Idina swallows her coffee.
"You want to say something," Kristen points out.
"No, no, no I don't ... Oh yeah, I remember what I wanted to say – Walker misses you."
"Really! He's sweet. I didn't know I am so good with kids," Kristen says jokingly.
"You definitely are."
"Well, well, I'll take it as a compliment. How is he by the way?"
"I'll show you the picture."
Kristen looks at the innocent boy holding his army of dinosaurs, smiling at the camera. Walker has exactly her mother's eyes and smile, she thinks to herself, remembering the time when they used to play together, making a whole farce in Idina's living room. Walker loved her and they were so happy and wild – they were absolutely Idina's headache.
"He's so adorable," Kristen's smile widens as Idina shows her more pictures. She has always been sure that Idina is a brilliant mom, but still surprised at how proud and radiant Idina is when talking about her son – she looks so loving and even ... domestic. "By the way, do you want me to drive you home later?"
No, Charlie offered to pick me up – Idina didn't dare to say. "No thanks, I prefer to walk. It's not a long way."
Because of the coffee, Kristen lies wild awake in the bed. The clock on her bedstead says 1:27 a.m. She blames the coffee once, blames the coffee twice ... The city is annoyingly quiet.
She sits up. Take out a pen and grab a piece of paper. Write something – it will sort things out –keep drawing dark circles that merge into a big black ball. It feels too quiet!
Stop, stop, stop – but you break the promise to yourself! You know how you hate people breaking promises.
"Not right," she writes, "NOT RIGHT." She writes it many, many times.
The sea is in a little distance, its waves disturbed under the moonlight. For the first time in her life, Kristen hates the night. She is almost desperate for the sun to come up and bring out sober feelings. She hates the many lunatic impulses that drove her into reckless actions, which totally leaves out chances to regret.
"Maybe I'm tricked by my feelings again," she resumes writing, "but now I guess it's time to analyze rationally: what do I like about her?"
She thinks about the shadow on the wall – how she assumed that it was going to change. But it hasn't changed at all. The light and wind and smell and shadow remain abnormally still since she started to observe them. "It's blank," she murmurs. "It's weird, isn't it, that I can't see her upset? But it would be too absurd as an explanation."
She decides to text Josh Gad in the morning. "Wanna grab a drink tonight?"
"Why not?!!" Josh replies, "Honestly speaking, you should visit bars more often."
Josh enthusiastically recommends the pub that he thinks is the best in L.A. It stands in an inconspicuous corner of the street, but when Kristen arrives, quite a lot of people are already there, taking up a large proportion of the small space. Josh sits at the back of the bar, waving at her.
"Hey buddy!" He greets Kristen in his usual playful voice.
"Hi Josh! How long was it since we last met?"
"Not so long. Only six months."
"Oops!"
Even if they don't meet very often, Kristen and Josh have apparently become best friends during the course of years. For Kristen, Josh is always a reliable buddy, funny (which is a significant bonus to his character) but full of wisdom.
"No way. You're not just drinking beer!" Kristen laughs when Josh gets his jug.
"Well – I don't wanna get drunk. You do."
"Nonsense!" They are both sent into a fit of laughter, "Come on, I won't get drunk. Don't underestimate me Joshy."
"Are you challenging me?"
"Yep."
"Alriiight," Josh says, raising an eyebrow.
"How did you find this bar? It looks good," looking around, Kristen can't help but like the antique decoration of this bar. The owner must be a bookworm, for shelves of books loosely separate different tables, creating private spaces for talking or just having fun with a few good friends. Kristen wonders if someone actually reads in the bar because the lights are so dim. Besides, can someone still distinguish the words when they're drunk? It's better to write than read when you are drunk – she is convinced.
"I am an old customer. Come here to grab a drink every now and then – it's the first place I recommend for people who are new here."
"I'm not new!" Kristen retorts.
"You're new to bars."
"Okayyy! But come on – I actually have something to tell you."
Josh takes a sip before asking, "No wonder. What else can a bar be good at?"
"I'm serious," Kristen stares at her cocktail shimmering in light pink, knowing that it does feel a bit weird to be so straightforward, but she can't wait longer, "well ... Idina and I ... we're working together."
"No surprise, unless you have terminated your contract with Disney."
"What I mean is we are performing together, face to face. There went the rehearsal."
"Normal. And then?"
"And then we kissed."
"Well, well. That's all?"
"I ... I kissed her," the ice in her cup stings Kristen's tongue. She adds frustratedly, "You didn't even look surprised."
"I mean – what's there to be surprised for? You kissed and ... nothing else? Where are the sparks? Stories need beginnings and ends Kris!"
"I-It just happened."
"How do you feel about it?"
"You mean the kiss? Actually, it felt kinda good..." Kristen blushes, her voice tailing off, "but after that, I can't get rid of it. I keep thinking about ... her."
"Hmm-hmm ... but why does this sound more and more like an interrogation? By the way, don't drink too fast. Cocktails can still be strong."
"You made it," the blonde murmurs. After a split second of silence, she starts abruptly, "We were rehearsing the song – When We're Together – and Dee was like, she couldn't bear singing it and she ran off. I followed her and found her ... so sad. I couldn't bear leaving her like that so I ... Later we met again and she..." Her voice trails away.
"Well, Kristen," Josh says softly, breaking the silence, "You love her."
"What?" Kristen winces and looked up at Josh. He looks serious.
"I was saying – you are in love with Idina."
"Me? How?" Kristen almost feels amused and she chuckles. "How can I still have any feeling for her?"
"Don't fool yourself. You do."
"Well, then you're wrong!" Kristen suddenly feels the need to defend herself. Besides, she feels unreasonably angry. She snaps coldly. "She broke my heart."
"You do know that people change?"
"Not for her. I had tried so many times. Nothing changed. Look what I got. If possible, we're just friends, only this and nothing more."
" 'Just friends'? Isn't this the most common excuse in the world?" Josh laughs but soon resumes a relatively serious expression, "Don't you know that I can almost read your mind, Kris? I only know you and Idina for a couple of years but some things are just too obvious. Have you forgotten how, a few years ago, you discussed with me the excuses to ask her out, and then how you were heartbroken and complained about her? You always have your thoughts on your face, Kristen, and now it says that you want to share her life and that you can't leave her alone."
"Yeah, thanks for the reminder," Kristen doesn't mean to sound sarcastic, "I did 'want', but what's the use of 'want' if she doesn't think so? And how can she think so? No matter how much I 'can't' leave her alone, she left me anyway. How can I still believe after being deceived? How can I believe that she can love me?"
"Kristen?" Josh interrupts quietly, "I think ... well, maybe it's time to let it go."
"Did you intend a meme?"
"No, but you can take that. The thing is, Idina was really sorry about whatever happened between you two. She did try. She may not be brave enough at first, but she was trying. She had forced herself to take one step forward every time, even if she didn't even know whether she could still hold on for one more second. But she held on for you."
"I-I didn't know..." Kristen stares straightly at the blinking Josh, "I was so angry at her."
"But you think I don't know how she also suffered, Josh?" She continues slowly, "She couldn't have been fine. I knew because I had been there myself. Two months it last, and then I knew, or rather convinced myself, that we were through and I should hate her. Didn't I question myself about this decision? I did. The moment I decided to fix her being into a portrait of bias, I started to question it. But how could I have done otherwise? It's the only way not to be haunted by memories."
"I'm sorry, dear," Josh rubs Kristen's hand comfortingly and says, "but it can be in the past, right?"
"Yeah," the blonde fails to suppress her sobs, "I'll try ... but how did you know what Idina thinks?"
"She told me herself some months ago. Just like how you are. Oh Kris, don't be ashamed of crying. You'll feel much better."
"Thank you, Josh ... I think I'd better try, though it never feels right when you think about it with a brain. But damn it I've got to do it even if it's already too late... I guess."
"Go ask her."