•••
Miyoung entered the gymnasium and walked up the stairs that led to the bleachers. The first quarter was already over. Miyoung cried a lot. The time for her to calm down, to wait for Manager Hwang and redo her makeup and ten minutes had already past. Manager Hwang was worried to see Miyoung's face being so sad and full of tear strains. But Miyoungassured her she was okay and that nothing had happened. By her sorrowful eyes and her smudged makeup, Somin knew she all but "okay". But the manager knew better than to press the subject. If she didn't want to talk about it, then Somin would give her the time to talk about it by herself.
The model spotted her friends cheering for the varsity team by the railing. Sua was dressed in a rabbit overall, Jukyung in a pig one and Sihyun in a bear one. Sujin was dressed in a red dress. Miyoung walked toward them. Sua was the first one to spot her. She gasped, eyes amazed, and covered her mouth with her hands when her eyes caught sight of Miyoung.
"Gim Mi, you are gorgeous!" she exclaimed, catching the attention of her friends. Miyoung slightly smiled even though she felt empty.
"Wow! Miyoung-ah, you are a goddess!" Jukyung said when she saw her friend.
"Is that your outfit for your performance? You are so stunning!" Sihyun complimented in awe.
"Not really. The staff gave me this outfit as a welcoming gift and since I was late for the festival, I didn't change before leaving," Miyoung explained. "I should have though. It would have prevented the stares,"
"Not a chance. Even in a trash bag, you would still be stunning," Sua cheerfully said. Miyoung chuckled and focused on the match.
Miyoung's heart shattered again when he eyes spotted Suho dribbling and shooting a three-points-shoot. His harsh words were playing non-stop in her head. Was he really being serious? Of course, he was. He wouldn't have said those things then. But then, Suho always had seemed genuinely kind with her. Was it really all a play? Was what people said about was all true? Was he a cold and insensitive prince? Did he change that much? Miyoung didn't want to believe this. But his words hurt her.
So she watched, gripping the railing hard, the match displaying before her. Miyoung watched, uninterested, unfazed, unbothered. She just watched without emotion, without feelings. She stared at Seojun scoring and students loudly cheering. She stared at Suho passing the ball to Taehoon who scored and students loudly cheering. She stared at the two aces of the team scoring again and again and again and students loudly cheering. Miyoung just stared, eyes blank, empty. She was a shell filled with void. No feeling, no emotion, nothing. Nothing but sadness.
Suho and Seojun met, it was a one and one. Seojun tried to pass Suho but when he couldn't, he went for a shoot. Suho blocked him. The ball bounced to Taehoon who passed the ball back to Suho who scored the victory point. Everyone cheered (except the one who supported Seojun's team). Miyoung clapped her hands, emotionlessly.
Then he looked at her.
Miyoung's heart skipped a beat when she met Suho's gems like eyes.
Why does he have such an effect on me! she frustratingly thought.
Her heart was still going crazy every time she looked at him. Yet she felt the tears threatening to fall again. Miyoung closed her eyes briefly, trying to stop the salty drops to fall. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes again. Suho was talking to Seojun. Then he left.
Miyoung didn't cross path with either Suho or Seojun for the rest of the day. She spent it with her friends, trying to forget her pain. But there was no use. The pain would leave. It felt just stronger and stronger. Suho wouldn't leave her mind. She couldn't stop thinking and thinking and rethinking again to what happened. She kept wondering why he told her those mean things. She kept trying to find a reason. Miyoung wouldn't accept that he was just playing with her. She refused to believe it. She refused to think that Suho may have changed. She refused.
Miyoung closed her eyes, enjoying the soft breeze of the night brushing her face, and took a deep breath. She was standing next to the scene that had been installed for the five groups that would be performing. Miyoung had originally planned to sing that make you want to dance. But she was in no mood to do so. She could fake smile, hiding her pain to her friends. But when you sing, you transmit your own feeling to the audience. Singing a cheerful song was beyond her capacity right now. In fact, she didn't even have the energy to do so.
When the group that was on stage finished their performance, Miyoung walked on the stage. As soon as she was visible by the audience, a roar of cheers and supporting shouts could be heard. Miyoung had a lot of fans indeed. The Gim girl softly smiled to the audience (making some shout even more) and sat on a stool that was behind a mic. She then looked at the pianist behind her and nodded, signalling him she was ready. She would be singing two songs.
The first notes of piano resonating in the place. Miyoung husky voice then floated in the air, engulfing the audience in a dreamy atmosphere. Students would swing left to right at the rhythm of the song, enjoying her honey-like voice. As she continued to sing, she closed her
"You are the piece of me I wish didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why," She sang, unaware of two gods like looking boys watching her. One of them, the cold one, feeling transfixed and transported. "If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?"
Through the song, Miyoung was freeing herself from her feelings. Through the song, she was sharing her pain. It was cathartic. But not enough. The more she sang, the more she wanted to cry. The more she sang, the more she wanted to scream how hurt she was. How could things go so bad in a matter of second? Why love was so hurtful? Why did she have to fall for her best friend? Why? Why? Why?
As the song stopped, Miyoung opened her eyes again. She spotted her friends joyfully clapping and cheering for her. The audience gave her a round of applause before the second and last song started. As she briefly observed the audience, Miyoung's eyes stopped on one person. Him. He came. Just like he said. Lee Suho. Miyoung breath was caught in her throat. She felt like she wasn't able to move or even talk anymore. She was drowning in his eyes. The flashback of what happened before came into her mind. Her heart shattered. Miyoung clenched her jaw as her eyes became glossy. But she was quickly brought back to reality when she heard the band starting the song.
"My memories that turned black and white stopped, oh," Miyoung sang. "It's still raining under the umbrella you gave me,"
Again, she closed her eyes, focusing on the song, on her performance. But his gems like eyes were printed on her mind. His face was tattooed on her eyelids. The more the song continued, the more the scene would play in her head. The song was expressing so well what she was feeling.
"You're gone and I gotta stay high all the time, so high. High all the time, too high," she sang. "High all the time, to keep you off my mind,"
When the song finished, the audience loudly clapped and cheered. Miyoung stood up and bowed, thanking them for listening. She thanked the band and left the stage.
Miyoung inhaled. And exhaled. She felt better. But still not good.
Without thinking further, Miyoung went to join Sua, Jukyung and Sujin, who were sat in the audience. The three girls congratulated her their friends. Sua gave Miyoung her phone back (the model had given her before going up on the stage) and the Gim girl sat down, listening to the other groups. The ambience was light and appeasing. Miyoung managed to empty her mind even just for a moment. For that short moment, she was free from any hurtful memories. Until...
"This song isn't widely known, but it's one by late Jeong Seyeon who I was a big fan," the singer said.
Miyoung froze. She couln'd think. Her mind was blank. It was white, black, plain. She couldn't hear. There was that constant buzzing sound in her ear. She couldn't distinguish the voices around her. It was as if she was underwater. The sounds were stifled, not clear at all. Her lungs were disfonctionning. Breathing became hard. Her breath was jerky as her body trembled slitghly.
Seyeon. Jeong Seyeon.
Miyoung's late dear friend. Miyoung's precious friends. A living sunshine, cheering his friends all the time, pushing them to be the better version of themselves. A kind heart, pure soul, blessed being. One of the best person who had ever existed on this planet. A angel that left the Earth too soon. An angel that was victime of a terrible tragedy.
Jeong Seyeon.
Miyoung remembered crystal cleared the moment she learnt about his forever leaving. She remembered crystal clear how her stopped seeing the trendings. She remembered crystal clear how she ran to the place. She remembered how she cried until she had no tears left to cry. She remembered it all crystal clear.
For a very short moment. For a second. She thought Seyeon was the one singing on stage.
The guilt of not picking up that phone call was always there. And will always be. Miyoung will always live thinking about the many "what if".
"Miyoung...," Sua softly called, putting her hand on her friends.
"Uh...?" Miyoung only said, as if she was in a trance, as if she was lost.
"Jeong Seyeon?" a student said. "Jeong Seyeon is that singer who committed suicide a year ago,"
"I'm sorry," Miyoug hastly said as she quickly stood up. It was too soon. It was still too soon. She hadn't mourned. She ran away.
Miyoung walked up the stairs-bleachers, ignoring her friends'calls. But as she walked, her eyes caught sight Suho. He leaned on his knees, trying to stay up as he was breathing hard. Without thinking twice, Miyoung ran toward him. She stopped beside him. Miyoung was hesitating. Hemade it clear he didn't want to have anything to do with her. But seeing him like that. Miyoung just couldn't let him alone. Seyeon's death was still weighting a lot on him. He too, hadn't grived yet.
"Suho," Miyoung softly and quietly called. She reached to put a hand on his shoulder but stopped herself. She was afraid to scare him. Suho walked away to a low wall to lean onto it. Miyoung followed him. "Suho," she gently put her hand on his shoulder. Miyoung was more than worried. She had never saw him like that. He was panicking. Suho was having a panick attack. She knew it. Because she went through the same.
"Go," he managed to say. Miyoung didn''t move a millimetre. "Just go!" he raised his voice.
Miyoung looked at him a second. No. She couldn't.
So she bent down, and softly place her hand on his face, making him looking at her. Suho's eyes were filled with tears and sadness and sorrow and pain. Without thinking twice, Miyoung threw her arms around him and engulfed him into a tight and warm embrace.
"I'm not leaving you alone," Miyoung whispered. I could she leave him in a moment like this?
Suho stood still for a moment. He sobbed and wrapped his arms around Miyoung's waist, burying his head in the crook of her neck. Miyoung closed her eyes, trying to fight back the tears, as she hugged Suho tightly, patting tenderly his hair. She could feel his body slightly trembling, his jerky breath in her neck. He embraced her tighter. He was so vulnerable. He felt secured in Miyoung's arms. He felt protected. He felt good. He felt not alone. But it was what he was supposed to be. Alone. He remembered the reason why he told her such horrible things earlier. He didn't meant them. But he had no choices.
Suho couldn't be happy. He hadn't the right to be.
So he slightly pushed her, breaking away from the hug, and left.