"A couple more steps. We're almost there!" Izzy says excitedly, her voice going up a few octaves indicating that she probably had the biggest smile etched across her face. I on the other hand was not as thrilled.
I don't trust Izzy to make sure nothing bad happens when I can see.
Never mind when I'm blind folded.
"You trust me, don't you?" She asks, a chuckle emitting from her lips as her hands grip tighter onto my forearm, steering me to the left before she stops.
"No, not really." I scoff, smiling, "Now, I told you, I don't need a bachelor party."
"You need this one." She argues, adamantly, " Now, count to five and take your blindfold off." I sigh quietly in reply, but moments later do as she says, my fingers coming up and swiftly undoing the silk over my eyes. I blink several times to adjust to the harshness of the light, and look around expectantly, though the room looks exactly the same as it always did.
And no one was in here.
"Seriously?" I exasperate, before turning towards the door fast enough to catch Jace's sombre figure as he saunters in and immediately the air thickens.
"Izzy said you wanted to talk." Jace states, his eyes staring keenly at me. There was still a lot of anger and distrust between us, and despite being parabatai we could barely look each other in the eyes.
"I don't know what she thought I wanted to say." I mutter, my face stoic and emotions yielding, my stubbornness like a brick wall, sturdy and resilient.
"Great." Jace scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief, "I guess I'll go. I've got work to do anyway." He murmurs out harshly, before turning on his heels and stepping to leave. I turn away from him, feeling remorseful and angry at how everything had become, yet unable to stop him leaving.
Even though I did want to stop him.
"Damn it, Izzy." I hear Jace mutter, his feet halting in place.
"You know what? She's right. We do need to talk." He expresses loudly, making me swiftly face him, my brow raised in surprise but also the weight falling off of my shoulders, since deep down I was glad that he had decided to stay.
"Okay." I sigh, before folding my arms over the other, "Well, it's my bachelor party, so you go first."
"I don't know how things got so messed up between us. But I do know my life has been a lot harder not having you to talk to." He states, a sincere and uncharacteristically glum frown across his face, one that shows clearly how our separation has hurt him.
And it's been hurting me too.
"Mine, too." I mumble, nodding my head in agreement.
"I know it seems like I've been making a lot of crazy choices lately. And I know you think that I was only thinking about myself... and Clary" He states, hesitantly referencing Clary, almost as if I might explode at the mention of her name.
"And I wasn't thinking about the consequences to anyone else. All I can say is, I've been going through a lot. But I only ever did what I thought was right, Alec. " He comes forwards as he says this, closing the previously large gap between us.
And also closing the anger and hurt that I felt before too.
"But I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry." He sighs, his eyes gazing hopefully at me, anticipating my reply as I stand there, rigid and stoic, contemplating everything I had just heard.
"I know." I sigh, a small and reconciling smile gracing my face at Jace "You know, we just... got caught in all this drama."
"Yeah" Jace scoffs, laughing in amusement "Those Fairchild sisters really know how to amp up the fun" He jokes, and I laugh out, shaking my head in agreement, the both us probably contemplating life before Camilla and Clary came crashing into it.
Not that I regret it.
Not a single second of it, actually.
"I mean, you're getting married tomorrow." Jace states dumbly, a confused and humoured smile on his face making me chuckle, my arms falling openly to my side as I grin back.
"And Clary's your sister." I reply, jeeringly back, a weirded out expression on my face "You know, what's up with that?" I ask rhetorically, and Jace snorts, his expression turning into one of disbelief.
"Oh, yeah, don't even get me started on that." He mutters, rubbing his face tiredly as he takes a seat on the leather bench, a loud groan emitting his lips. "I kissed her. What's worse, I wanted her. I was falling in love." He says, sighing, his eyes casted downwards.
" I must be sick or something. I don't know." He mumbles lowly, his voice hoarse, the shame and confusion he feels evident.
"No" I state surely and loudly, striding forwards and seating directly beside him. "You're not sick. The situation, it's just... It's confusing." I explain, watching Jace jeer out, almost bitterly in reply.
" And trust me, I know. You know, it's like, you have this plan for your life and you know what you need to do and what your responsibilities are. And you think if you follow the rules, everything's gonna be fine. Then somebody comes along and... pushes you off that path. You just..."
I can barely finish my sentence properly, my mind just twisting in and out of the same thoughts that I've had for days.
And at the centre is the same thing that it's been for a while.
Camilla.
"Hey, I get it." Jace declares, looking worriedly at me, stopping my tangent of incoherent thoughts.
"The point is, we're Shadowhunter's. Emotions get in the way. And if you get knocked off the path, you have to focus, and find your way back." I dictate simply, the words falling oddly off of my tongue, almost bitter and wrong. It's odd how the words that I stood for not long ago felt foreign to say now.
Truthfully, I knew I didn't believe them much anymore.
"I mean, you still have to be true to yourself." Jace says, seemingly casual, but by the deep and imploring look in his eyes, I can see behind the words, look between the sentences, and I know within myself what he really means.
"I am" I state, trying to be assertive, trying to be sure, but by the look of disbelief of Jace's face, I can tell he doesn't believe me.
Not that I blame him.
"Look, Alec" He starts, sighing "You like Cam, and not just as a friend or as a fellow Shadowhunter or any of that other crap. It's not like with Lydia, you want to be with Cam because she makes you happy, because it's right with her, not because it's part of your duty or your responsibilities. You and Cam deserve each other, I just think you need to think about this properly before you end up making a huge mistake... one that you won't be able to take back" I can hear him almost pleading at me, and I feel my heart ache.
Every word he said is true.
And yet, I know it's too late.
"I am fulfilling my duty Jace, and that's important to me" I state harshly, standing up and ignoring the queasy twist in my stomach as I see Jace's face fall.
"And besides, Camilla deserves better, I've hurt her too many times to now go back and ruin her chances of moving on. It's for the best" I grit out, my eyes burning slightly and the lump in my throat restricting my breath.
" Look," I sigh, turning back to Jace expectantly, just wanting to move on " Would you be my suggenes and give me away tomorrow?"
I watch as he stands up, a smile coming onto his face as he walks over to me, happy that I had asked him.
Though there wasn't anyone else in this world I would have wanted there besides Jace.
"Alec, if this is what you really want, I'd be honoured. I'm always gonna be here for you."
"Me, too." I say, grinning as I lift my hand, grateful when he lifts his too, our hands connecting.
***
The harpsichord plays fervently, the strings bouncing off of the walls as the melody persists, the sound both soothing yet terrifying.
Here I was, stood at the altar, wearing my wedding suit and watching as dozens of dressed guests all filed in, happy and excited for the ceremony to begin. I felt a wave of nausea hit me, my hands instinctively coming up to rub at my suit, ironing out the non-existent creases that I imagined to be there.
I watch hesitantly as my mother and father approach, my body tensing as I see the glowing smile on my mothers face, something that I definitely was not used to. As she comes next to me, her hands come up to my suit, her hand gracing delicately over the material, a shine to her eyes.
That shine was pride.
Though instead of making me happy or making me feel content as I had imagined it would, it made me feel ashamed and frustrated.
"When you first proposed to Lydia, I'll admit, I was wary." She starts, staring me straight in the eyes, her hand holding me sweetly, how a normal mother would hold her child. "But now... You've made me so proud." She grins, before giving me one last nod and walking to her seat.
I exhale lowly, almost in relief as I shake my father hand and watch him too follow behind her, the both of them seating themselves in the front row, absolutely beaming with pride.
"All right, you're ready for this?" Jace asks, making me turn towards him, a sigh emitting my lips as he fixes my bow tie and removes the minor kinks from my clothes. I look over his black and engraved suit, glad that we had fixed everything before this, because I have no idea what I would have done without him today.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I mutter, nodding to Jace in reassurance, which thankfully makes him smile, content that I was still adamant, still sure that this is what I wanted.
Though I could tell he still didn't agree.
"I'm glad you're here with me." I express honestly, watching Jace smile at this, his eyes lifting to mine.
"Wouldn't be anywhere else." He smirks, patting me on the back before we make our way up the steps of the altar, the service moments away from beginning.
As the seconds tick by I feel myself slowly getting more nervous and the reality of everything begins to hit. Unconsciously, my gaze shifts towards the seated guests, my eyes searching. However, I quickly feel my heart drop and throat dry, the empty seat next to Clary practically glaring at me.
My eyes turn hesitantly to Izzy in questioning and hurt, and as her eyes fall upon that same empty seat she frowns, her eyes watering as she shakes her head 'no' in reply. I sigh closing my eyes, turning away from her pitying stare.
Camilla wasn't coming.
The deafening noise and chatter amongst the guests is immediately silenced as Silent Brother Jeremiah thuds his sceptre against the ground, the bang echoing on for seemingly ever before it stopped, the entire room falling into a hush.
"Attention. The ceremony is about to commence." He states, his voice low and gruff, his presence alone scary enough to make me anticipate the next few moments of the ceremony.
The moments where I will be married.
I stand stoically, watching as everyone turns in their seats upon hearing the music play, and together they watch in awe as Lydia enters the room. I smile a touch, as she did in fact look beautiful, her dress and hair complimenting her well, and it was certainly different from how I was used to seeing her.
Yet, I found myself unable to be breathless at her entry.
I just couldn't find it in me to see her how a husband should see his wife.
She beams brightly at me as I take her hand and help her up the steps and I return it, trying to be respectful and be as happy as she was.
As happy as she deserved her fiancé to be.
The ceremony begins within seconds, as Lydia takes the bracelet from Izzy's cushion, her hands delicately placing it over my wrist, making me shiver slightly, the iciness of it hitting my skin. I notice the look of despair in Izzy's face, the sadness and guilt written across her expression and I frown, knowing that this isn't what anyone wanted.
I wasn't even sure if this is what I wanted.
I turn back, my eyes avoiding Jace's questioning and sombre eyes, my hands tentatively picking up the necklace, before swiftly wrapping it around Lydia's neck, watching the jewellery fall perfectly into place against her exposed skin.
Lydia grins brightly up at me as her fingers trace over the necklace, a look of happiness and contentment on her face. I smile back as much as I can, avoiding her eyes, my stomach twisting as remorse and guilt fills me.
"It is time for Alec Lightwood and Lydia Branwell to mark each other with the Wedded Union rune. A rune on the hand, a rune on the heart. A union is born." Brother Jeremiah expresses, and I watch in anticipation as Lydia delicately lifts her stele, taking the rune before softly grabbing my hand, her skin odd and cold against mine, as she places the stele inches away from unifying us for life.
What am I doing?
I open my mouth to speak, alerted and surprised, but before I have the chance to, we all seem to freeze at the sound of banging doors. I watch Lydia pull her hand back, a sad smile on her face as she glances at the door.
Frowning, I curiously follow suit, and as my eyes rise and look to the entrance I feel myself smile, my heart aching enough to burst.
"Camilla"
Stay tuned... :)