Camila/You – Saving You – Chapter 18
A/N: My heart is still not okay right now... This fic is gonna be so depressing for the next chapters and I am not even ready myself..
Your point of view.
“I wish you never came back.”
As the words flew out of her mouth, I felt the sharp pain piercing through my flesh and finding shelter in my heart, slowly tearing it apart, making it feel like it was going to explode. I never thought she would like that but then again, I knew how losing could change someone's heart along with their whole being. Maybe she had chosen to shut down the outside world out just like I had many months ago. Maybe she had chosen not to feel anymore which was why those words were said. However, regardless of the real reason they were said, the pain in my heart just kept growing as she walked away from me. It grew to the point that I could barely blink back the tears that threatened to roll down my cheeks. I felt a soft hand rest on my shoulder and immediately met Lauren's compassionate eyes. I knew she was trying to be there for me because that's what she thought I needed but she was wrong. They was only was thing capable of curing this disease that contaminated my heart and took control of my emotions, and that thing was Camila, or more precisely Camila's love for me. But she didn't want me anywhere near her, she didn't even want to look at me and that just gave more strength to that disease that was killing my soul. I came to a point that the tears were stronger than my will and finally managed to escaped the prison where they were kept. I got up, looking down as I didn't want anyone to see me even more vulnerable that I already was, and walked away at a fast pace, needing a moment alone to think about what had just happened. I just walked, careful to remain in the limits of the camp where it was safe and where I didn't risk meeting a walker or a horde. I just walked, my feet dragging me wherever they wanted without my consent. She wanted me gone. Camila Cabello, the only girl I ever fell in love with, wanted me gone. She wished I never came back. She had fallen out of love and that caused the greatest pain in my heart. I thought that I would never experience a pain as strong as the day I lost Mel, I made sure I never would by closing myself up and letting the others care. But I didn't follow my plan and ended up falling for Camila just to lose her in the very end. As I kept walking, the darkness of the surrounding similar to the one in my heart, I reminded myself that I was the one who chose to fall for Camila. You'd think I would regret it, that I was better off without her and that if I had chosen to follow my initial plan which consisted in not caring about anyone else but me, then i'd be good today. But I didn't regret it for a minute. Camila made me experience things, feelings I never wanted to forget. I realized now how fucked up I was before Camila, how she was right when she said I wasn't living and only surviving. I realized that her love was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. She had saved me from my own agony, soothing every pain I felt, turning it into strength. But now that she wasn't mine anymore, now that there were no signs of her love for me anymore, who was gonna save me? Who was going to make this pain disappear? The pain was impossible to handle as the tears still hadn't stop rolling down my cheeks, making it hard for me to see where I was setting my feet, which made that finally, the inevitable happened and my feet bumped into a rock making me fall to the floor. Slowly, I straightened myself up on my knees and I froze when I looked in front of me. The air in my lung began running low as I read what was written on the first rock my eyes fell on.
“Here lay Dinah Jane Hansen, Ally Brooke Hernandez and Sofi Cabello. Beloved sisters and best friends. May you please not really be dead.” If I had managed to keep my shit together earlier it was over as I started sobbing uncontrollably at the sight of the my friends' tombstone. I looked around slightly only to see that there was one for all the people of the camp that wasn't among us anymore. That's when my eyes fell on the tombstone right next to the girls' and my heart skipped a bit.
“Here lays Y/N Y/LN, soul mate and dearest friend.” I read out loud this time my breathing ragged. This was my tombstone and I couldn't help but feel weird sitting in front of it. I heard a voice coming from behind me and jumped slightly.
“That's where I used to come when I needed to talk whether it was to you or to them.” Camila said as she sat next to me in front of my own tombstone. “I had so many things to say and you weren't here. And since I didn't know if you were still among us, I did that.” She stated and I just looked at her, still having in mind the words she had told me earlier, hoping she would explain herself but she didn't say a word and just kept gazing at the stone. Didn't she believe I deserved some kind of explanation, even the lamest or the hardest to hear? Apparently no. She just kept staring to the point that I was going to ask her.
“Camila-” I started but she didn't let me keep going as she sighed probably not wanting to talk but having to.
“After you left, I felt like shit. I felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. I had so much pain in that I could barely handle it. But I also had love, I felt this everlasting love inside my heart and holding on to that love was all I had left, at least I thought it was. So everyday, I hoped you'd come back to me and i'd stay up on the fence, staring into the darkness of the nights and the numbness of the days, hoping I would see your gorgeous face came out of the woods and your loving eyes meet mine.” she said with not an ounce of emotion, neither in her voice nor on her face. It was as if she was just telling me facts that didn't move her at all when they were making my heart ache and flutter at the same time. “I waited for you to come back. I spent every day on that fence waiting for you to come back to me. But you never did...and...and then..then we got attacked and I realized that mistake I had made.” she said and slowly my mind started putting two and two together and finally I understood where this was going and where the words she had told me came from. I was horrified at the thought of possibly being right about this. I hoped more than anything that I was wrong because if not then there was no going back to the way we used to be or anything remotely close to that. My heart would break if she was to say what I thought she was going to say.
“We got attacked and Sofi...she was taken away from me...she was taken away from me and I had spent the last months crying over my past love, letting my heart focus of this past we had created and thus leaving my sister alone. I'm seriously trying not but I can't help but-” she stated tears in her eyes but I interrupted, my fear clearly showing on my face as well as my hurt and pain.
“You're blaming me.” I whispered, realization hitting me like a ton of bricks. She turned to face me with an apologetic expression on her face while I just stared at her, horrified. “You're blaming me because you think that if you hadn't been so focused on me and my departure you could have spent these moment with Sofi and maybe even save her, or do things differently.” I said as I felt the tears stopping only to let the shock show.
“I've hated myself for so long because you were gone and I couldn't blame anyone else but me. I thought you were dead and I couldn't blame you. And now...now that you're back, the only thing I can think about is how I hate you for making me fall in love with you.” she explained and I couldn't help but feel hurt at the sudden rejection, the sudden declaration of hate. In less than a second, my guard was back up as I glared at her.
“I've never asked you to fall in love with me Camila. I actually did everything to make you stay away from me but you didn't listen, you were too fucking stubborn to listen.” I snapped angrily as I got up. “You chose to chase me and to love me just like you chose to get on that fence everyday. I've never asked for any of this so you have no right to blame me for your shitty decisions! Do you hear me ? No fucking right!” I half yelled my anger getting the best out of me. Nothing could calm me down at this exact second. “You have no right to tell me i'm the reason you didn't get to spend time with your sister before she...” I said almost desperately, my voice breaking and shaking as I spoke the words. “You have no right...” I whispered before taking one last look at her emotionless face and walking away from her fuming. My mind was a mess right now. She had no right to blame for this, even less when she knew I had experienced the pain of losing a sister, two actually. I was stopped dead in tracks when suddenly I felt myself engulfed in a bone crushing hug. I tried to fight against it but as I heard the husky voice in my ear I instantly stopped moving and immediately allowed myself to break as I started sobbing uncontrollably.
“She blames me...She blames me Lauren...She fucking hates me..She says...She...I'm the reason she's broken...Lauren..it's because of me..” I said through the sobs as Lauren just held me closer to her.
“It's okay baby. It's gonna be okay. Shhh” she whispered in my ear as I kept crying relentlessly.
When I opened my eyes again, the sky was dark and the stars were glowing. I had no idea how long we had remained in each others' arms but it must have lasted pretty long since the sun had already disappeared behind the horizon. But still, we didn't move, comfortable in our little bubble, still holding on to each other. Lauren was one of the reason I didn't regret opening up to the girls when I met them and her friendship was one of the things I cherished the most on this earth. The crying had stopped because I was too tired to keep going, I could barely hold on to Lauren. My arms were barely wrapped around her waist as she spoke up.
“She doesn't hate you.” Lauren whispered in my ear.
“She does.” was all I could say, not finding the strength to say more.
“Remember how you used to be when you first met us? You were that bitch who didn't care about anything but herself. You did that because you were hurting. Camila is only doing the same thing. She is hiding her pain behind this emotionless face and she is choosing not to care because she thinks that if you managed to do it after Mel's death maybe she can too. And then maybe she would be able to go a day without crying her sister.” Lauren explained as she rubbed her thumbs against my lower back, drawing invisible patters there and I just looked at her.
“What can I do now? She doesn't want me anywhere near her Lauren.” I said swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Just like you didn't want her anywhere near you.” Lauren pointed and I just shook my head no.
“It's not the same Lo. She rejected me, she doesn't want me or my love. She just wants to be alone.”
“Funny, that strangely reminds me of a girl I met last year.” Lauren chuckled before giving me a pointed look.
“What should I do then? I feel helpless right now.”
“Just do what she did to you.” Lauren stated making me frown in confusion. “Make her fall in love with you.”
We had walked back to the others after our little chat and I couldn't help but keep thinking about it. Lauren was right, the new Camila was literally the same as the old me and if she had managed to bring me back to life then I could definitely do the same with her. There was no way I was letting her live a life of complete misery like I had when I didn't care. So when she got up from where the group was, walked to her tent and got in I followed her. She jumped slightly surprised to see me here but didn't say a word as she waited for me to explain my intrusion.
“Blame me all you want Camila.” I said making her frown. “You can hate me, blame me all you want I don't care. I couldn't care less if you hate me because when you are busy hating me at least you're not hating yourself.” I said and now I could see her eyes softening a bit. For someone who didn't know her, the quick blinking of her eyes would have gone unnoticed but not to me. I knew that she blinked at a fast pace when she was trying to hide the true emotions she was feeling. “I used to hate myself and that ruined, that broke something inside me, something I thought would never be fixed. But I was wrong. I was so wrong because one day that beautiful girl came out of nowhere and she changed everything.” I stated with an ardent passion running through my veins as tears filled my eyes. A small made its way to my lips unconsciously. “You changed everything Camila.” she was not as good as I was at hiding her emotions obviously since she was unable to prevent the tears from wetting her eyes. So instead of letting me see her vulnerability she turned around, giving me her back. “You made me live again, you made me breathe again, you made me hope again.” I said walking closer to her hearing her breath hitch with every step I took towards her. “You made me whole again Camila. You saved me. You fixed me.” I whispered before slowly wrapping my arms around her waist and pressing my front to her back. My whole body shuddered as this was the first real contact I shared with my love in 8 months and boy how I had missed her silk skin. My chin rested on her shoulder as I took in her scent, for the first time in forever, realizing I couldn't go another day without that scent near me. Her hands joined mine on her stomach, first to try to get out of my grip but quickly she just ended up entwining her fingers to mine.
“What are you doing?” she asked out of breath as she let her body sink into mine.
“I'm loving you.” I whispered against the flesh of her neck. “I'm saving you.” I added in her ear before planting a soft kiss on her earlobe and turning around to walk out but I heard her voice once more making me stop.
“You can't save. I am not like you. I don't need to be fixed. You told me once you couldn't fix what's already dead. There is nothing inside.” she said and I smiled, the words reminding me of how I used to be. She was using my own words against me so I thought I might as well do the same.
“There is something inside.” I whispered turning around to face her as she did the same. We were face to face a few meters from each other and I could see her eyes teary, both because of her pain of losing her sister but also of losing me. I could see the longing, I could see the love was very much present too even if she didn't want to admit it for now. I flashed her my brightest smile as I quoted her. “I am lost in your heart. You just haven't found me yet.” At my words her eyes widened, shock and surprise taking over her features. She hadn't expected me to remember those words, yet I remembered everything she had told me, every single word that made me whole again. And I was well decided on using them against her and make her whole again. “I love you Camila.” I said before turning around, almost sure that I had started to break the weak facade she had built.
A/N: I'm in love with this story right now. I don't know why it just is great to write Camila as broken as you used to be!
I hope you liked the chapter.
Stay tuned for the other updates!
Next will either be TBSE or MGA last chapter (let's cry together. We are gonna need tissues!)..
Love you guys!
Don't forget to leave feedback. I would like to know if you like where this is heading!
-Katy.