It has been a few hours since that moment. Since I broke down in front of Amity, and I feel like real shit because of it.
I can't believe that I became that vulnerable...that weak in front of her. I was wanting to have a good time with her, but my mind had other plans it seemed, making me have, not just one, but two breakdowns.
But it was thanks to Amity for making the situation better. Instead of just running off and leaving me alone, as I expected, she actually stayed by my side and provided me comfort that I needed. I don't think I ever had anyone do that to me to that extent. It's honestly surprising, and I can't comprehend it.
The rest of the day wasn't anything special. Despite Amity lighting the mood, I still felt like shit afterwards when we parted ways. I couldn't walk with her because of the risk of Boscha seeing us, and I don't think I would've been emotionally strong enough to just ignore her this time. Amity promised she would keep her away as much as she could, and that added a level of appreciation I had for the girl.
I'm pretty sure the others knew something was up with me. I saw their weary glances and head shifts to me and each other as I passed them. None of them attempted to see what was wrong, but I'm pretty sure they did it so I can have space. I honestly don't know what I would've wanted except to be with Amity again.
It did seem like Amity kept her promise though, because I didn't run into Boscha for the rest of the day.
A random knock interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to reality. Knowing that it could only be one person, I told them to come in, and walked in Mom.
"Hey Mija, how are you feeling?" She hesitated about walking in, before I nodded to let her in. I didn't tell her exactly what happened between me and Amity, but all I said was that my mind fucked me up again.
"Could be better, could be worse." I said blankly, lacking any emotion in that sentence. She sat at the edge of my bed as she looked down at me.
"I don't know what happened, but I'm sure it couldn't be that bad." She paused for a moment before continuing on. "You've been doing good for the first week, I'm sure whatever you did is just some kind of overreaction."
Yeah, because breaking down in front of a person you admire is something to overreact about.
I just shrugged my shoulders at her as I sat up with my knees against my chest. Mom scooted closer to me and leaned in with a hug.
"I'm sorry you're feeling down right now sweetheart, but I know it's gonna be fine." I just placed my head on her shoulder as she slowly stroked my hair. "If there's anything you want me to do to help you, I would be willing to do that in a heartbeat." At least with the lack of friends I used to have, I always had Mom to help me through the extremely bad times, and she hasn't changed with that since.
"You're doing exactly that." I wrapped my arms around her and closed my eyes. I didn't picture anything, I didn't hear any voices in my head, or any negative thoughts festered up in my mind. My head became clear, and it felt so calm. That's one of the things I love about my Mom, she has this ability to make me feel calm, no matter how shitty I feel.
A knock from downstairs interrupted the peaceful moment, and Mom let me go.
"Hmm, I wonder who that could be...maybe the neighbor or someone." She got up and looked down at me. "Feel better now?"
I lifted my head up and looked at her with a smile. She smiled back as she winked at me. "Glad to see it. Like I said, if you need anything, let me know. I'll be here for you." She placed her hand on her chest as she exited my room.
Being alone once again, I used this time to close my eyes and clear my head more. Back then, I relied on meditating to relax my thoughts, and I would've done that now, but Mom made my thoughts calm enough where I didn't need it necessary.
Not that I would have been doing it long anyways, because a minute or so after she left, I heard Mom climbing up half of the stairs before calling my name.
"Luz, you got a friend at the door." My eyes shot open as I realized what she just said.
Someone was here for me? But who could have came all the way here just to see me? The only person I told my address to was-
It all clicked as I processed that thought in my mind. I felt my anxiety and nerve rise up as I realized who it was. She came all the way here to see me? What was she gonna do? Was she gonna judge me in some way? Was she gonna criticize me for making her day somehow worse for breaking down in front of her?
I slowly got out of bed and walked into the hallway. I saw Mom on the staircase looking at me with a small smile. She must've saw how concerned I was because she walked up to me and rubbed my back.
"It's gonna be okay Mija. Go see her."
I slowly left Mom's arms and walked down the stairs. I entered the living room and saw the front door. I stood in front of it for a second and shut my eyes. I did as much as I could to get rid of my thoughts, or to at least make them tolerable. It took a moment, but when I opened my eyes again I felt a little more calm. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
My mind went blank when I saw Amity standing in front of me. This is the first time I saw her outside of school, and on my god the outfit she wore here was just adorable. She wore this leather jacket with a pink shirt underneath. She had some dark blue jeans on with her high heel boots. I couldn't think straight for a moment. I don't know what it was about the outfit, but her wearing it struck out as cute to me.
"Hey Luz...sorry for my surprise visit...I just wanted to check on you."
It took a moment for my brain to actually comprehend what she just said.
"Oh uh-yeah it's nothing. No worries! Here, come on in! If you want we can talk in my room."
I noticed the light surprise she had as her eyebrows raised up when I offered that to her. She gave a small smile and nodded.
“Okay, lead the way.” I took a breath and turned around. As I did that, Mom came back downstairs with a welcoming smile.
“So you’re one of Luz’s new friends I see? What’s your name sweetie?” Amity blushed a little, as she was being put in the spotlight.
“Amity. Amity Blight.” Mom raised an eyebrow at the response.
“Blight huh? I’ve heard that name before.” I gave a look at my Mom, and she shrugged her shoulders.
“Maybe i’m going crazy. Anyways, make yourself at home Amity!” Amity rubbed the back of her head and looked away.
“Thanks.” I looked over at her with a nervous smile.
“Let me take you to my room.” I felt nervous. I never once said that to anyone before. I don’t know how to feel about that, especially with this situation.
Amity nodded and stuck close behind me as I led her up the stairs. A few turns later, we entered my room. I sheepishly turned around at her as she looked around.
“Don’t mind the mess in here...I wasn’t expecting visitors…” Amity chuckled as she walked in.
“Don’t sweat it, my room is messier.” I shot her a look of shock, and then chuckled.
“I doubt that.” Amity started laughing with me, and for once since the end of school, I felt relieved. I know that feeling wouldn’t last long, but I cherished every second of it. I noticed how she held her arm as she awkwardly stood in my room. I cleaned off my bed and looked back.
“You can sit down if you want. You don’t need to be so awkward here.” I gave her a sly look and she smirked at me.
“I’m not. Maybe I want to stand.” I chuckled before she sat on the bed next to me. I felt the fluttering in my stomach as I felt my nerve rise up. She was pretty close. I felt the heat from her body hit my side as her arm got closer. It was awkward for a moment. No noise was made from one of us. You would be able to hear a pin drop, that’s how quiet it was. I don’t know why she was quiet, but I know why I was. Anxiety and fear can do stuff like that to you.
Eventually, Amity must’ve gotten sick of the silence as she gave out a forced cough and turned towards me.
“So...like I said, I came over to check how you were doing. I would’ve messaged you first, but you still haven’t given me your number.” She lightly chuckled as she saw me go into thought.
“Another thing I forgot huh? Ugh..sorry about that.” She waved off my apology and lightly smiled.
“Don’t sweat it. At least I knew I could just knock on your door if I needed to.”
“...and you did just that…” I felt both the fluttering in my stomach intensify, and the depression in my soul get slightly worse. At this point, I'm not sure why she’s still willing to do all of this for me. Just to see if I was okay? It was surprising to say the least. That was the last thing I would’ve expected anybody to do for me, but here she is, right in front of me.
“Yeah…” She looked down at the ground, thinking about what she was gonna say next. “About earlier...at lunch...I’m...I’m sorry about that…” I looked at her with confusement.
“Why are you apologizing?” Amity twiddled with her fingers as she took a breath.
“Well...I can’t help but think I caused your breakdown in some way...I mean...I was the one who pushed the conversation wasn’t I? I just..” She gripped onto her sleeves as she continued on. “I’m sorry for any unintentional pain I caused towards you.”
Was Amity crazy or something? She did absolutely nothing to me.
I was baffled by what she was saying. She thinks she caused my breakdown? That couldn’t be any more untrue if it could be. I didn’t hesitate to correct her about it.
“Are you serious?! You did nothing to me Amity! How could you think that you caused something with that?” She turned to me and one look into her eyes made me feel so bad. I could see the pain in her eyes. She blankly stared at me like before, when she was with Boscha. It was that same look, but it was so much worse here.
“I put you in a panic with what I said about the books, I didn’t think it would lead you to break down like that. You don’t understand how bad I feel about that!” Her eyes started to glisten as she looked away from me. “I couldn’t stop thinking about that...how I just...hurt you like that…”
I felt my own pain rise up through my body. I felt the muscles in me twitch with anxiety, as I started to blink more and more to what I was hearing. She really feels bad. This isn’t something that my mind would make up to fuck me up.
She was genuine here.
“Amity...you really didn’t do anything to cause that. It-” She turned towards me with that stare again, but it wasn’t blank anymore. She was squinting, and it only took me a moment to realize she was trying to hold back her own tears. I felt my heart drop. The last thing I wanted was for her to start crying for something she didn’t cause.
“Amity...can I tell you something..?” I felt my own anxiety grip me tightly as I thought about doing what I was doing next. The only other person that knows about how it was back in RVA is Willow, and talking about that with her was pretty bad with my anxiety. I felt the same level of fear rise up, but the more I looked at Amity, who was just as distraught as me, the more I ignored the fear. She needed to know it wasn’t her. She looked at me, and nodded.
“Back in my old school, RVA...I wasn’t how I am now. I was more open...more calm and assuring...and more energetic. I did a bunch of stuff that my other classmates and peers saw as weird...and that caused me to be alone…” I looked away from Amity and at the ground, as I felt my inner demons fester up in my mind. “I was constantly bullied...abandoned...and picked on. I was called so many names…” My mind filled with the names that I was called.
Luzer. Weirdo. Queer. Creep. Fag.
“...I had no friends...no one to go to...and I finally had enough...so I transferred to Hexside in hopes of starting fresh. That means hiding my past...that means hiding my interests...that means having bad anxiety and overreactions…if it all means that I'll have friends...” My body was shaking at this point. I felt my own tears start building up in my eyes as I gripped my pants. “I’m-I’m sorry for earlier...for you to witness that...I just...never had anyone like you to be so willing to be there for me...i’m not used to that gesture...and i-it hurts alot…” I took a breath and kept my head down. I did as much as I could from breaking down in front of Amity again. I didn’t want her to see another one.
I heard a shuffle where Amity was, and when I realized what she was doing, I felt two arms go around me. Amity placed her head on my shoulder, as she slowly rubbed my back.
“Luz...i’m so sorry you went through such hell like that...I can’t even imagine what that must’ve been like in person...but you don’t need to worry about that anymore...i’m right here...I think you are an amazing person as your true self...”
Once again, I couldn’t think straight. All of the thoughts I had moments before turned into a jumbled mess of emotions, like it was static. My heart was beating so hard I felt it through my chest, and my arms were shaking, even through Amity’s grasp. This is what it felt to be loved by someone other than Mom. What it felt to have someone truly care about me. What it felt like to have a real person in my life.
I slowly lowered my head over Amity’s shoulder and sobbed my heart out. I never felt this kind of pain before. It wasn’t just pain that was meant to hurt me badly, it was different. It felt like I was healing as well. I felt myself feel better little by little as I gripped Amity in the hug. Her back rubs and reassuring voice that she wasn’t leaving killed whatever demons I had plaguing my head. It killed whatever anxiety I had lingering around. It filled my body with safety, and comfort. It was the same power that Mom had. It was that moment I realized what the power really was.
It was love.
After like six minutes of being in her arms, my sobbing was finally reduced to little whimpers, like I was five again. I huffed out the last bit of pain I had and snuggled my head on Amity’s shoulder. It was a nice feeling, to be this close with her. I feel so lucky.
Amity slowly backed away from me, leaving the hug and looked at me after she wiped away her tears.