#WYENFinallyNoticed
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Epilogue
Tinitigan ko ang lapidang nasa harapan ko at naramdaman ko ang pag-ihip ng pang-umagang hangin.
"Are you hungry yet?"
Agad na bumaba ang tingin ko sa katabi kong si Zenica at naabutan ko ang titig n'ya sa mga mata ko. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay n'ya.
Her hands feel so delicate and small in my hands. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti.
I've always liked how Zen looks at me. Diretso kasi sa mga mata at walang pag-aalinlangan. Kaya kahit na para sa kan'ya, mukhang walang-buhay ang mga mata n'ya, hindi ako naniniwala. Dahil sa tuwing natititigan ko ang mga mata n'ya, pakiramdam ko, alam na alam ko kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan n'ya.
"Gutom ka na ba?" I asked before I pulled her closer to my side and held her waist instead.
Hinalikan ko ang sentido n'ya habang ibinababa n'ya naman ang tingin sa lapidang nasa harapan naming dalawa.
"Hindi pa," she shook her head.
Tumango ako at ibinaling ulit ang tingin sa mga lapida.
Mula nang mamatay ang mga magulang ko, I've always tried to recall what my parents taught me before they died.
Behind every great man is a great woman-at naniniwala ako ro'n.
Dad has set an example for me. He was a great man with great principles. At sa tingin ko, dahil din 'yon kay Mama na walang-sawang sumuporta at nagmahal sa kan'ya.
My mom is a great woman, wife, and mother. She took good care of us and if I was given the chance to a second life, I would choose to be her son over and over again.
They taught me how to treat a woman right. My mother taught me how to love and take care of them while my father has set a living example on how it should be done.
I know how powerful and strong women are because I grew up with such women-my mother and sister. They showed me how capable they were that I was greatly amazed by them.
At times that I fail to find a reason and I fail on being righteous, they'd show me how things are done better.
"Zenica Alameda," pakilala ng isa sa mga bagong babaeng kaklase sa harapan.
Unang araw ng klase para sa senior high school at tulad ng parating ginagawa, nagpapakilala sa harapan ang bawat isa para magkakilanlan.
I stared at her and watched her empty eyes. Unat na unat ang buhok n'ya, balingkinitan, at may maputing balat. Kanina pa s'ya pinag-uusapan ng ilang mga kaklase kong lalaki dahil maganda pero mukhang masungit.
Kanina pa ako nakikipag-usap sa mga kaklase at isa s'ya sa mga nahirapan akong lapitan dahil... hindi dahil sa ayaw ko sa kan'ya. There's just this strange feeling whenever I look at her.
Parang gusto kong parati s'yang tingnan at lapitan kahit na wala naman s'yang ginagawa.
Especially when I asked for her name earlier and heard her feminine yet dominating voice.
When her eyes suddenly landed on mine, I uncomfortably shifted on my sit and gulped.
Pero hindi nagtagal ang titig n'ya sa'kin dahil agad din s'yang umalis sa harapan dahil tapos nang magpakilala.
She looks aloof, pero mukhang may kaibigan naman s'ya dahil kanina pa sila magkasama no'ng isa pang kaklase naming babae. From what I gathered earlier, Zenica's friend is Ynna Rosario.
Zenica Alameda is from Torrero University. Mayaman siguro s'ya. Halata naman sa kilos, tingin, at paraan ng pagdadala sa damit.
Hindi naman dapat talaga ako sa St. Agatha University mag-aaral ng senior high school. Pero dahil pinilit ako ng ate ko, sinunod ko ang gusto n'ya at dito lumipat.
Masyadong mahal ang St. Agatha University pero dahil na rin sa matataas na grades, I was able to get a scholarship. Hindi naman daw kailangan, sabi ni ate, pero kumuha pa rin ako dahil sayang din 'yon. Makakatulong sa lahat ng iniisip n'ya.
She doesn't say it, pero alam kong no'ng namatay ang mga magulang namin, natakot s'ya nang sobra para sa aming dalawa. Kaya nga pinilit kong tumulong kahit sa maliliit na paraan.
I would've applied for a part time job too, pero nang sinabi ko naman kay ate, nagalit sa'kin at ayaw pumayag. She almost cried before I could even finish what I had to say.
Now that she already has a job that pays well, talaga namang kaya n'ya na akong suportahan, pero alam ko namang bata pa si ate. She should enjoy the things that girls her age enjoy. Alam kong sisikilin n'ya ang sarili n'ya para sa'kin at hindi ko naman gustong gawin n'ya 'yon.
I love her more than she will ever know. Nang mawala ang mga magulang namin, alam ko ang takot na posible n'yang naramdaman at itinago lang sa akin. Ni hindi ko s'ya nakitang umiyak noon kahit na alam kong mababaw ang mga luha n'ya. She didn't cry because she doesn't want me to see how scared she was.
Pero kahit hindi s'ya umiyak sa harapan ko, kitang-kita ko sa mga mata n'ya ang takot noon. At mas minahal ko s'ya dahil sa lakas na ipinakita n'ya sa'kin.
Kaya sino ako para manghina noon... kung ang kapatid ko, lumalaban para magbigay ng lakas sa'kin?
I never thought that I should be stronger because I am a guy. Hindi 'yon ipinaramdam ni ate sa'kin. I can even say that she's stronger than me. She's way stronger than me that's why I admire her.
I've been surrounded by such strong women.
Kaya siguro gano'n ko kung tingnan si Zenica.
It's the first time I've seen someone like her. Napapa-isip ako kung dahil sa rasong 'yon kaya ba hindi ko mapigilang parati s'yang tingnan?
"Huh?" Nagtatakang tanong sa akin ni Caleb.
"Si Zenica," I mumbled. "Hindi ba sa SAU ka nag-junior high. You must've heard from Torrero. Kakilala mo ba s'ya?"
Caleb looked at me suspiciously.
"Bakit mo tinatanong?" He asked.
Agad akong napa-iling. Ako nga ang nagtatanong.
"Kilala ko dahil may barkada ako noon na may gusto sa kan'ya," kibit-balikat ni Caleb.
Napalunok ako. So, she's that famous?
"Bakit? Crush mo?" Pang-aasar ni Caleb sa'kin.
Parang may kung ano sa salitang 'yon na nagpa-ilang sa'kin. Hindi ako sumagot at nagpatuloy sa pagkain.
Crush.
I've never liked any girl before. Yes, I respect and admire them... but nobody has caught my attention this much.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron kay Zenica. Is it the way she looks at me blankly? How aloof she is with everyone?
Tinitigan ko si Zenica nang masalubong ko sila ni Ynna sa hallway pabalik ng klase. She stared back at me. Diretso sa mga mata at hindi ko mapigilang malunod do'n.
Halos murahin ko ang sarili ko sa isipan habang tinititigan ang mga mata n'ya. She's looking more beautiful each day. Bawat araw na lumilipas, parang may nadidiskubre ako sa kan'ya na nagpapahulog lalo sa akin.
She smoked. With Ynna. Amoy na amoy ko 'yon dahil kumapit ang amoy sa soot nilang uniform. Galing din sila sa likuran ng building kung saan nagpupunta ang mga gustong uminom o manigarilyo sa campus.
I should be turned off by now... but I've always taught myself that there's always a reason for each person's actions. Hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung bakit n'ya 'yon ginagawa. Dahil ba sa mga kaibigan? Stress reliever?
"You shouldn't smoke inside the campus," I told her, my heart raging inside my chest.
Sa paraan ng paghawi n'ya sa buhok at sa diretsong titig n'ya sa mga mata ko, parang may kung ano sa loob ko ang hindi kumakalma.
"Minor pa kayo," dagdag ko.
Gumuhit ang pagtataka sa mga mata n'ya at halos gumuhit din ang ngiti sa mga labi ko.
She looks so strong in my eyes... but why do I feel like she's vulnerable now that I stare at her eyes? Na kahit sa dating n'ya sa akin, kaya n'ya ang lahat ng bagay... pero sa nararamdaman ko, parang gusto ko s'yang alagaan?
"I noticed because I could smell you even from here," I added just to answer the question in her eyes.
I noticed because I pay attention to you so much.
Eventually, news about her and Severiano from ABM has spread on our department. May mga nagsasabing sila nang dalawa pero marami rin ang nagsasabing isa lang din daw sa mga past time ni Severiano si Zenica.
And although I really liked Zen, I knew it's wrong to like someone who's already committed to someone else. Kaya kahit na gusto ko s'ya, pinigilan ko na lang ang sarili kong mas kilalanin pa s'ya.
Pero sobrang hirap no'ng gawin. Bawat ginagawa n'ya, hindi ko napipigilang pagmasdan o pansinin. Bumibili s'ya ng kape sa umaga at pumapasok ng limang minuto bago magsimula ang klase. She has never been late. She doesn't put an effort on studying pero laging pumapasa ang grade at on time sa lahat ng requirements.
Kahit na ang kaibigan n'yang si Ynna, parating nagka-cutting, late, bumabagsak ang grado, at hindi nagpa-participate sa mga groupworks, Zenica is different. I thought that she was influenced by her friends just like what people say about her, pero habang inoobserbahan ko s'ya, I realized that that's not the case.
Just like everyone else, Zenica's doing the things that she chooses to do. Pinili n'ya ang mga bagay na 'yon dahil gusto n'ya... at hindi dahil sinabi ng ibang taong 'yon ang gawin n'ya.
Although my classmates hate her for being the person she chose to be, hindi ko kayang ayawan s'ya dahil tulad namin, pumili lang naman s'ya at nagkataong 'yon ang pinili n'ya.
But at that point, I still can't figure out the main reason why I started liking her.
Nang sumabog ang balitang may bagong babae si Severiano, I got so confused because I thought she's with Zenica. Did they break up? Bakit? Bakit ni hindi ko naman nabalitaang naghiwalay sila?
"Fling lang din siguro," Caleb shrugged.
Agad na gumapang ang galit sa dibdib ko sa narinig na posibleng dahilan. Napapikit ako. Fling. Si Zen? Bakit? Si Zen ba ang may desisyon no'n? O si Seve?
Because if it's Seve...
Agad na nag-apoy ang galit sa dibdib ko.
Pero kahit na kumalat ang balitang may bago na si Seve, parang walang pakialam do'n si Zenica. She looks totally fine that it made me curious about what she really feels.
I want to know so bad. She confuses the hell out of me.
Because if I were Seve, I wouldn't make her my fling... I'd take care of her and keep her. I'd try to fill her empty eyes. I'll make her feel everyday how admirable she is.
If she's fine with this, I feel like Zenica doesn't know that she's worth more than this.
"Nakita ko kayo ni Seve kanina, ah?" I asked Zenica with a smile.
Pero kahit na may pagkapilyo ang tanong ko, namumuo ang galit ko para kay Seve. Because I saw what he did there. Hindi ko naman sinundan si Zenica rito. Nang makita ko kanina ang paghatak sa kan'ya ni Seve sa kasama n'ya kanina, I wanted to intervene so bad but I knew that I shouldn't. Kaya pinili kong lumabas para magpahangin.
Pero nang makita ko rin sa labas si Zenica, naninigarilyo habang nakatanaw sa kawalan, hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong lapitan s'ya.
"Boyfriend mo?" I asked.
Please say no.
"Not really," she answered.
I thought I'd feel happy with her answer but when I saw how exhausted she looked, parang kumuyom ang puso ko sa sakit, hindi para sa sarili ko kundi para sa kan'ya.
Napalunok ako, nararamdaman ang pagbigat ng tibok ng puso ko. Bakit kahit nasasaktan s'ya dahil sa ibang tao, nararamdaman ko ang sarili kong lalong nahuhulog para sa kan'ya?
Am I cursed?
"Do you smoke?" She asked and I finally figured out why she smokes.
She smokes whenever she feels upset or stressed.
Hindi ko napigilan ang aliw na naramdaman dahil sa tanong n'ya. I know that she knows I don't smoke. Pinangaralan ko pa s'ya kanina tungkol do'n.
"Oo nga pala," she smiled and shook her head.
Parang may dumagan sa dibdib ko nang makita ko ang ngiti ni Zenica. How her lips curved and the corners of her lips rose.
Alam n'ya kayang sobrang ganda n'ya?
At nang magbiro s'ya dahil sa pagpatol sa mga biro ko, halos gusto ko na lang na tumigil at pagmasdan s'ya habang tumatawa.
God, does this woman know how beautiful she is... especially when she's happy?
Dahil kung hindi... puwede bang ako ang magsabi sa kan'ya no'n? Puwede bang ako na lang ang magpasaya sa kan'ya?
"Kailangan ka ba ni Caleb? Go with me," she said after she asked me if I like coffee.
I'd love to, Zen.
"I'm sure he wouldn't mind," I said, laughing the loud raging of my heart.
"Do you have a car?" She asked and my smile faded.
Severiano and his friends are popular at St. Agatha University. Isa na sa mga dahilan ang pagiging mayaman at maporma.
I'm sure that Zenica is used to sportscars dahil 'yon ang kotse ng mga kaibigan n'ya. Laging usap-usapan ng mga kaklase kong lalaki sa tuwing may bagong feature ang sasakyan ng barkadahan nina Severiano.
I never once thought that I'd feel insecure. Pero ngayong kaharap ko si Zenica, pakiramdam ko, may kulang sa'kin.
Pero kahit na gano'n, I answered her question honestly.
Kahit kabado at nakakaramdam ng kung anong negatibo sa dibdib ko, dinala ko s'ya sa sasakyan ko. And when she slid inside confidently, not even halting at the sight of my simple sedan, I couldn't stop my raging heart.
I think I just fell for her even more. Ni hindi ko pinipigilan ang sarili ko. Sa bawat ginagawa n'ya at sinasabi, parang mas lalo ko lang s'yang gustong makilala.
"Haven't Ynna told you?" I asked, smiling at her but I could feel how nervous I was.
"Na?" She asked.
"That I like you?" I confessed.
Ngumiti ako at naramdaman ko ang mabagal na pagtibok ng puso ko.
"Nasabi n'ya," she said and I nodded.
She already knows... Alam ko. Hindi ko naman kasi itinago. Alam na ni Caleb at alam na ng ilang mga kaklase na interesado ako sa kan'ya.
"Sorry," she said and pain immediately struck my heart even though she isn't finished talking yet. "I like someone else."
Gumuhit ang sakit sa puso ko dahil sa sinabi n'ya. May ideya naman ako pero ngayong sinabi n'ya nang direkta, mas masakit ang guhit no'n sa dibdib ko.
Pero kahit na nasaktan, hindi ako makapaniwalang parang lalo ko s'yang nagugustuhan.
Not because she likes someone else... but because she admitted it straight to my face. I can't believe that I even feel proud of her.
"I couldn't stop liking him," she told me and even if it pained me, I listened because I feel like she needs someone who would listen to her. "I know that I don't deserve... what he's giving me. I deserve better."
You do, Zen. You deserve every good thing from this world. Everyone does.
"Pero gano'n kasi ata talaga kapag gusto mo."
Gusto kong kontrahin ang sinabi n'ya pero pinili kong mas makinig. S'ya pa lang naman ang nagugustuhan ko kaya paano ko naman masasabing mali ang sinabi n'ya?
"My mind... is clouded when it comes to him."
If she thinks that, then maybe she really is in love with Seve.
Naramdaman ko ang mabagal na pagtibok ng puso ko dahil sa sakit.
I wonder if I can forget my feelings for her... now that she told me how much she loves Seve. Kaya ko ba?
I don't think so. Because now that I heard how much she loves him, I wanted to take care of her because she sounded so exhausted and hurt.
"Kung kailangan mo ng kausap... I'm just here," I said.
I'd listen even if I know it would hurt.
I feel like Zen needs someone who will listen to her. If that is what she needs, I'll willingly give it to her... just so I can see her smile again.
Kung gustong gawin ni Zen ang lahat para magustuhan s'ya ni Seve, kahit masakit para sa'kin, I'll be there for her whenever she trips or falls. I'd catch her... if Seve fails to do so. I'd cure her wounds if he can't do that for her.
"Kung hindi mo ma-kuwento kay Ynna, talk to me," I said.
If your friends fail to make you feel that you matter, I'll make you feel that you are.
Zenica makes me feel like I need to take care of her despite the image she showed to everybody. Kahit na alam ko namang kaya n'ya at malakas s'ya, gusto kong ipakita sa kan'ya na nandito lang ako sa panahong pakiramdam n'ya, mahina s'ya.
"Accept it or I'm leaving," Zenica told me after I paid for her food and she insisted that she doesn't let guys pay for her.
Kumuyom ang panga ko at hindi ko napigilan ang ngiting namumuo sa mga labi ko. I cursed as I felt my heart breaking because I feel like I fell from a thousand feet high cliff.
How can I fall for a girl over and over again?
Hindi ko alam kung pa'no nasasabi ng ibang tao na masama ang ugali ni Zenica. Most of my girl classmates hate her and Ynna because they come off as brats.
Pero ngayong nakaka-usap ko si Zenica, she's easy to talk to and she's a good listener.
"Your sister's amazing," she smiled after I told her about my sister.
Parang may dumagan sa puso ko nang makita ko na naman ang ngiti n'ya. Hindi ko alam kung mas nahulog ba ako dahil sa ngiti n'ya o dahil sa sinabi n'ya tungkol sa ate ko.
She heard how simple my life was and how we struggled once with life. Kung totoo ang sinasabi ng ibang tao sa kan'ya, she would've insulted me. But she didn't.
"Ayokong sumama sa kanila ngayon," she said after I asked her about Ynna.
Sanay kasi akong nakakarinig ng balita na umaalis silang magkakaibigan tuwing weekend. Lalo pa at may mga kaklase akong lalaki na tulad nila ay parating pumupunta sa mga bar tuwing Sabado.
But now that she said that she doesn't want to go with them...
I curiously looked at her. Why?
"Kanila?" I asked.
"Makikipagkita rin s'ya kina Seve. I don't like to," she said.
"You're avoiding them?"
Bakit? Kung gusto n'ya si Seve... bakit ayaw n'ya 'tong makita?
Kasi ako... gustong-gusto ko si Zen... at kung puwede lang, bawat minuto, gusto ko s'yang makita.
"I just want to take a break from them sometimes," she admitted.
I feel like Zen can't understand what she's feeling. Napalunok ako habang pinagmamasdan s'ya. She looks empty and exhausted.
That's why I offered a way out for her. If she wants to escape from everything, just for a while, I'm willing to help her. If she wants a breather, I'd help her breathe from everything.
"Zen," I called her when she was about to get off my car after I gave her a ride home. "Just know that I can be your friend."
Dahil kung pakiramdam n'ya, wala s'ya no'n, gusto kong iparamdam sa kan'ya ang ang pakiramdam nang magkaro'n ng totoong kaibigan. I'd give anything just so I can fill her empty eyes. I would do anything just to make her smile.
"Pero hindi ka kasama?" I asked Zen after she confirmed that Ynna left without her.
"She really does that sometimes," she shrugged like it didn't really matter. Pero habang tinitingnan ko ang mga mata n'ya, alam kong iba ang iniisip n'ya. "Baka mabilisang naaya kaya hindi ako nasabihan. Hindi n'ya naman kailangang parati akong isama."
But despite what she said, her eyes are telling otherwise.
Kumunot ang noo ko habang tinitingnan s'ya at parang may kung ano sa puso ko ang naninikip dahil sa sinabi n'ya.
"Zen," nahihirapang sabi ko at napabuntong-hininga dahil pinipigilan ang sarili.
I'm not on her situation and I don't exactly know what is happening between her and her friends. I can't just conclude that they are not treating her right. Kaya imbis na sabihin sa kan'yang mas karapat-dapat s'ya sa mas maayos na mga kaibigan, inaya ko na lang s'yang sumama sa amin ni Caleb.
Hindi ko na inaasam na maging kami ni Zen. Alam ko kung hanggang sa'n lang ako at kailangan ko 'yong tanggapin. Pero hindi ko maiwasang hilingin... na sana ako na lang ang nagustuhan n'ya sa ilang mga pagkakataon.
Sa tuwing tumititig s'ya sa mga mata ko, sa tuwing ngumingiti s'ya, at sa tuwing nararamdaman kong may pakialam na s'ya sa akin at sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.
Gusto kong sabihin sa kan'ya nang direkta na puwedeng ako na lang ang piliin n'ya pero ayokong gawin dahil ayokong piliin n'ya ako dahil lang sa sinabi ko...
I want her to choose me because she wants to. Because she saw that I can make her happy.
"30 minutes lang naman, Zen. It's alright," sabi ko kahit na mag-iisang oras na akong nando'n dahil sa usapan naming magkikita sa café sa umaga.
She apologized to me, but I told her that it's alright. Na ang importante, dumating s'ya. Even if she stands me up, I don't think I will ever hate her for it. Masyado na akong nalunod para gano'n kadaling maka-ahon.
I rarely feel angry. It's because I grew up realizing that people have their reason for their actions. Pero hindi ko mapigilang magalit sa tuwing nakikita ko kung paano tratuhin ni Seve si Zenica.
Ayokong makialam... and I don't think that Zen will like that even if I wanted to.
Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa karton ng inumin habang iniisip ang nakita ko kanina sa cafeteria. Seve just dragged her earlier. Kumuyom ang panga ko at naramdaman ko ang bigat sa dibdib. Tiningnan ko ang inuming binili kanina.
Nawala lang ang atensyon ko ro'n nang marinig ang pangalan ko.
I looked up to who it was and I realized that it was Zenica. Agad akong ngumiti kahit na may lasong kumakalat sa puso ko.
"Kumain ka na?" I asked her and when she shook her head, lalo lang lumaki ang galit ko para kay Seve.
Doesn't he really know how to take care of her better? Does it hurt to treat her better? To care for her and respect her? Is that hard to do?
"Bakit hindi pa?" Hindi ko mapigilan ang galit sa boses ko.
And when she said that she lost her appetite, I sighed and tried to calm myself down.
Earlier, when she left with Ynna, I was thinking that maybe she'll meet up with Seve. Tama naman ako dahil nakita ko silang magkasama kanina. I thought that everything's finally going better for her... and although I felt a bit selfish... that I want her to still hang out with us, I felt happy for her.
Pero ngayong nakita ko ang nangyari at narinig ko ang sinabi n'ya, nagsisisi akong hindi ko s'ya inayang sumama agad sa amin.
Pero kahit na napapansin ko ang lahat ng 'yon, I didn't speak a thing about it to Zen. Instead of telling her, I made her feel that she's worth more.
"Ngayon?" I asked her after she told me how she started smoking. "You still smoke?"
Kung ginagawa n'ya 'yon sa tuwing nakakaramdam s'ya ng stress... ngayon bang kasama n'ya na kaming dalawa ni Caleb, does she still feel stressed out?
I wonder... if we have successfully made her feel happy.
And when she shook her head, a warm hand touched my heart. Because I'm happy that we were able to make her feel better.
"Everything's fine, Lael," she assured me when she noticed my hesitation about leaving her with Seve. "Seve's a friend."
Nasa harapan ng bahay n'ya si Seve at alam kong alam na nito na ako ang kasama ni Zen.
After what I saw from the cafeteria, I don't feel good about leaving her with him. I don't like violence... but if ever Seve does something to her, I don't think I can restrain myself.
Zen smiled convincingly. Agad akong nasaktan sa ngiting ibinigay n'ya sa'kin at umiwas ako ng tingin. Tumango ako at humigpit ang kapit ko sa manibela.
Ito ang mga pagkakataong gusto ko na lang s'yang hatakin sa'kin at sabihin sa kan'yang ako na lang.
Sinabi kong magte-text ako sa kan'ya pag-uwi ko. Pagdating na pagdating ko pa lang sa garahe ng bahay, ni hindi ko pinatay ang makina ng sasakyan, I immediately texted her. Tinanong ko kaagad kung kumusta s'ya.
I hoped that she'd reply right away pero nang tumagal at hindi ako naka-receive ng reply, I frustratedly leaned my forehead on the steering wheel, overthinking about what could have happened.
Napalunok ako. I shouldn't have left. Dapat siguro, hindi na muna ako umalis at hinintay na muna na maka-alis si Seve bago ako umuwi.
Nagtagal ako sa kotse, hindi maka-alis do'n dahil iniisip na sa oras na mag-reply si Zen at hindi maayos ang kalagayan n'ya, agad-agad akong magmamaneho pabalik.
But when she said that she's doing fine, para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib.
Lael:
He didn't make you upset or anything?
Zenica:
No. He apologized.
Okay na kami.
Dumaan ang sakit sa puso ko sa reply ni Zenica. I closed my eyes. Napalunok ako bago tuluyang pinatay ang makina ng sasakyan at bumaba na ro'n para makapasok sa bahay.
When I was finally inside, I typed a reply for her.
Lael:
He apologized?
May ginawa ba s'ya?
Zenica:
Simple misunderstanding lang.
Thanks for worrying.
Napatitig ako sa reply ni Zen at napapikit ulit nang maramdaman ang sakit sa dibdib ko. I sighed before I went up to my room.
"Ano?" Natatawang tanong sa akin ni Caleb isang araw nang sabihin ko sa kan'yang sabihin kay Iea na hindi na kami sasali sa 18 roses ng debut.
I sighed and stared at Caleb blankly. T'yak na mang-aasar na naman ang unggoy na 'to.
"Aalis din tayo agad," I told him.
"Wow, wala akong choice?" Halakhak n'ya. "So, pupunta tayo sa birthday ni Zarin?"
Natahimik ako at tumitig sa kan'ya dahil alam n'ya namang gano'n nga ang mangyayari. Agad na napamura si Caleb.
"In love na in love ang kumag," he shook his head. "Lael, just don't forget that she likes Seve. Zen is a great woman... but you're my friend and I don't want you to get hurt."
Pero kahit na alam ko 'yon; kahit na sinabi na ni Caleb, matigas ang ulo ng puso ko at hindi 'yon kayang sundin.
I'm too in love now to help myself not fall for her. Siguro, tama nga si Zenica. Ganito siguro talaga kung mahal ko.
Hindi naman ganito kalalim ang nararamdaman ko para sa kan'ya noon. Pero ngayong mas nakikilala ko s'ya at nakikita ko ang iba pang mga bagay sa buhay n'ya, unconsciously, I fell even more and I am beyond redemption.
Kahit na no'ng pumunta nga kami sa bar kung saan ginaganap ang extended birthday party ni Zarin Dela Costa at nakita ko na magkalapit sina Seve at Zen, so much that I became uncomfortable and pained, hindi ko pa rin magawang kalimutan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kan'ya.
Even when I saw her smoking again.
Imbis na ma-disappoint sa kan'ya, lalo akong nag-alala. She smokes when she's upset. Did Seve do something again?
"He didn't do anything, did he?" I asked and I felt angry.
At kahit hindi n'ya sagutin, ramdam kong oo ang sagot. Sa ayos n'ya kanina nang makita ko s'ya, alam kong maraming bumabagabag sa isipan n'ya. Hindi s'ya lalabas dito kung walang ginawa si Seve na ikinasama ng loob n'ya.
"No," she lied.
"Liar," I said before I let myself hold her hand.
Napalunok ako. Her hands feel so delicate that it brings warmth to my heart. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang kailangan ng pagkalinga sa aming dalawa... kung ako ba o s'ya. Dahil sa paghawak ko pa lang ng kamay n'ya, kumakalma ang lahat ng galit, pangamba, at takot ko. I feel like she's starting to heal the wounds I never thought I had.
"You wouldn't smoke if he didn't," I said and I feel like I sounded like a kid upset with his parents. "I thought you stopped."
"Ngayon lang," she mumbled. "I'm upset," amin n'ya at lalo akong nakaramdam ng lungkot at pag-aalala.
Dahil mahalaga si Zen para sa'kin. Gusto ko s'yang mahalin at protektahan nang sobra at nasasaktan akong hindi 'yon ginagawa ng iba para sa kan'ya.
"I use one when I'm upset," she said.
"The use something else," I mumbled.
When she grinned, something sparked inside my heart.
"Ano naman? Something else that is addicting?"
And I gave her an alternative.
I hope, whenever she feels like she wants to smoke, she would remember my hug and would prefer it more than cigarettes. Whenever she feels upset, I hope she would remember me and think that I am the person that can make her feel better.
I want to be that kind of comfort for her.
Whenever she feels like everything is toxic, I hope she'd be able to think of me and realize that she needs me as much as she needs a vacation from everything.
"Just the usual," she said after I asked her what Seve told her. "That the girl he was with was just a friend and that I'm the only one for him."
Kumuyom ang kamay ko sa manibela ng sasakyan.
Just the usual... so, he always tells that crap to her?
"Do you believe him?" I asked.
"No," her voice broke and my heart clenched in pain when I heard it.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang galit na namumuo sa puso ko at hindi ko rin mapigilan ang sakit na nararamdaman para sa kan'ya.
"He's not a bad person," Zen said when we reached their house and decided to stay out for a while to breathe. "He's still a friend to me. It's just that he's not for commitments and feelings."
I want her to see... that she's worth more than this.
When will you ever notice your worth, Zen?
"You want him to?" I asked. "To want commitments and feelings?"
Do you want to be committed to him even though he has hurt you so much?
"Of course," she answered and pain struck my heart once more.
Does she love him that much? That she's willing to compromise?
"I'm fine," she mumbled when I caught her crying after she talked with Seve.
"Stop lying," I said angrily.
Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan tatagal ang pisi ko para kay Seve.
Nagbubulagbulagan si Zenica sa lahat kahit alam kong alam n'ya ang katotohanan. I want her to realize that she's worth more than she thinks.
Please... open your eyes, Zenica.
"It's the weekend. Two days... puwedeng bumalik agad tayo kung gusto mo," she blabbered but even if she won't try to convince me, I'll go wherever she wants to go. "Or extend our stay since it's almost our semestral break."
"Okay," I immediately answered.
I stared at her in awe. I didn't know that she'll really leave with us if we got the chance to leave.
Habang tinititigan ko s'yang pinaplano ang lahat, hindi ko mapigilang hindi s'ya mahalin pa lalo.
I was happy that she wanted to go with us. God, I've dreamed about this every night. Kaya nga hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng excitement nang pumunta ako sa kanila.
But when I saw Seve going off his car in front of Zen's house and when I saw Zenica standing alone with her luggage, agad na gumalabog ang puso ko sa kaba at galit. Walang pag-aalinlangan akong bumaba para pigilan si Seve sa paghawak kay Zen.
At nang mahawakan ko nang mahigpit ang braso ni Seve, I clenched my jaw as I stared at him.
He smells like freaking alcohol. Is he drunk? How dare he go here intoxicated with alcohol? Ano'ng balak n'ya kay Zenica? Why did he try to hold her?
At nang kuwelyuhan ako ni Seve at ngumisi nang nakakaloko sa'kin, my anger burned more.
I was restraining myself really bad but when he pushed Zenica when she tried to stop him, everything turned red and I grabbed his collar, preparing myself to release a blow.
I cursed loudly and breathed raggedly.
But when Zen held me to stop me, I knew I needed to calm down. I need to.
Napalunok ako nang hawakan ni Zen ang kamay ko at marahas kong binitawan ang kuwelyo ni Seve.
I just hope that I don't need to see him anymore. Masyado n'ya nang nasagad ang lahat ng pasensya ko at hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa bang hawakan ang lahat ng rason ko.
"I won't talk to him," Zenica said, assuring me, and I stared at her. "Habang nando'n tayo, I will try to clear my thoughts of Seve."
Parang gumaan ang puso ko sa sinabi ni Zenica. Napatitig ako sa kan'ya. I want to believe her. I badly want to. I hope that she will. Please, Zenica.
"I'm choosing myself this time. So, you don't need to worry about me," she said.
I will not stop worrying about you, Zenica. Ever since I met you, I couldn't get you out of my mind. You're always the heroine of my mind, the conflict, and the main storyline.
And I want to be yours too. I want to run a marathon inside your mind and play bass inside your heart.
"Your eyes are too beautiful," she said as she covered my eyes with her hand and placed a soft kiss on my lips.
Kahit na madalas kong hinihiling na sana, ako ang taong puwedeng magparamdam kay Zenica kung gaano s'ya kahalaga, may panahong naisip ko na kung hindi ako, matatanggap ko, basta maging masaya s'ya.
But now that she kissed me... and now that I can feel a slight hope... that maybe she's finally starting to feel the same towards me, hindi ko mapigilang humiling na sana ako na lang.
Pero saglit pa lang naman... para na akong ginigising ni Zenica sa katotohanan.
"Seve needs me," she said.
"Seve?" I asked as pain passed through my heart.
We're thinking about him again, Zenica?
"Let's go back," she said with urgency.
I tried to calm her down and tried to ignore the pain I was feeling because she seems like she's panicking. Pero parang lalo lang s'yang nataranta.
"Lael, Seve needs me!" Her voice raised a bit and it pained me more that it sounded like she's choosing him over me.
Pero kahit na pakiramdam ko, mas pinipili n'ya si Seve, pinili kong ibigay sa kan'ya ang gusto n'ya at umuwi kami agad kahit na balak pa sana naming manatili ng isang araw.
I was giving her all the reasons I could think of. Kaibigan n'ya si Seve, she's just worried. Kung si Caleb ang nasa ospital, I'd panic too. It's normal. I should understand... right?
"Did Zen enjoy the trip she had with you?" Nanunudyong tanong ni Ynna sa'kin at naramdaman ko ang sakit na lumatay sa puso ko.
Pagod ako mula sa biyahe, sa pag-iisip, at sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. I just want to make sure... that Zen is alright.
Is liking her too much to ask?
Masyado ba akong nag-asam na baka gusto n'ya rin ako?
"Thank you for giving her company. She really needed that," Ynna sarcastically said and for the first time in my life, I got scared of what I am about to hear. "Stop being a fool for Zenica! You're just a rebound!"
Parang may tinamaang parte si Ynna sa puso ko. She's touched a part of my mind that I have been ignoring for quite a while now.
"Bakit? It's true, right? You're using him so you can move on from Seve!" Ynna shouted at Zen.
"For crying out loud! Not everything is about Seve!" Zenica shouted and I sighed because even in this situation, I still care about her.
Zenica isn't like that, Ynna.
She never once made me feel like she's using me. Maybe you're right that I'm a fool... but I chose to be one because I can't help but fall for her.
"You'll stay?" I asked Zenica when Caleb tried to pull me to leave.
I prayed that she'd answer no. I begged that she'd say no.
Pero kahit na hindi s'ya sumagot, kitang-kita ko sa mga mata n'ya na oo ang sagot.
Will it always be... Seve above everyone else?
With the time I spent without her, I missed her every day. Pero sinusubukan kong tanggapin na kung kay Seve s'ya magiging masaya, kailangan ko s'yang hayaan.
Lagi kong iniisip na sana, makita ni Zenica na karapat-dapat s'ya para sa mga bagay na higit pa. Pero kung pipiliin n'ya ang kung ano ang meron s'ya ngayon, wala akong magagawa kundi tanggapin 'yon.
Pero nang mapagtanto kong unti-unti s'yang dumudulas sa hawak ko, I realized how much I can't let her drift away. God, I want to keep her so bad.
Gusto kong maging makasarili at magmakaawa sa kan'yang piliin n'ya na lang ako. Na subukang sa'kin na lang maging masaya. I'd do my best... just so she'll choose me every day.
"Did he hurt you again?" I asked in anger when Zen cried after she dragged me out of the venue. "Zen... did he make you cry?"
Humigpit ang yakap ko kay Zenica at hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng pagsisisi. For Pete's sake, Severiano... I am finally giving you the chance to prove yourself. Why the hell is she crying again?
"How can I let you go... when I know that you'll only get hurt if I did?" I asked.
"It hurts so bad..." She mumbled and silence enveloped the two of us.
Parang may napigtas na pisi sa puso ko dahil sa sinabi n'ya. I cursed inside my mind and I closed my eyes tightly as I felt pain inside my chest.
"It hurts so bad, Lael."
Kung masasaktan lang din naman s'ya sa taong akala n'ya, magpapasaya sa kan'ya... please, Zenica. Zenica, choose me. If you don't love me yet, be with me and I'll make you fall for me.
I'll make you happy... just choose me.
"Choose me," I said. "Choose me, Zen. I'll treat you better. I'll love you and take care of you. Just choose me," I begged.
Humigpit ang pagkakakapit n'ya sa damit ko at damang-dama ko ang bigat ng tibok ng puso ko sa pinaghalu-halong sakit, galit, at pagmamaka-awa.
And when she said that she doesn't deserve me, I couldn't understand it.
Kung hindi ka karapat-dapat para sa'kin Zenica, ayokong maramdaman mong karapat-dapat ka para sa iba. I want you for myself alone. I wouldn't care if I love you more than you love me. I'd love you so hard to the point that you can't help but love me back.
And when she said that she felt the same for me, I couldn't help but look at her eyes.
Although her eyes are the emptiest part of her, it is where I can completely see and know how she feels.
At sa gabing 'yon, habang maingay ang classical music mula sa venue at sa liwanag na nanggagaling sa lamp post, nakita ko ang pagkinang ng mga mata ni Zenica sa emosyong sobrang tagal kong hiniling na makita sa mga mata n'ya.
It seems like it was the first time I saw her eyes register emotions.
"I don't deserve you... but I can't watch you with someone else," she said and I couldn't believe it. "I want to pour all my love to you... not just because you deserve it... but because I want to, Lael."
I love you, Zenica.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga labi n'ya.
"I couldn't tell you how I feel... because I'm scared of hurting you."
If it's you, I'd willingly take every pain, Zen. Because you're worth it.
And when I kissed her that night, it felt like I was dreaming. Na para bang sa wakas, narinig ng langit ang lahat ng dalangin ko.
I love her. I love her so much.
"I love you, Lael," she said as her tears fell and those tears are the most beautiful tears I have ever seen from her eyes.
Those tears are the only tears I would allow to glisten and fall from her eyes. I wouldn't hurt her. I'd take care of her. I'd cherish her with my everything.
I'll be her friend, her partner, and everything she needs me to be.
God, I love her.
Everything about her.
Her flaws. Her fears. Her doubts.
I'd love her more despite all of it.
"I love you more than you'll ever know, Zenica," I mumbled and my voice broke.
I love her so much that words wouldn't be able to explain it.
I feel like I've been blessed with the greatest gift I could ever receive.
"Papa!"
I brought my gaze down as a small hand tried to hold my hand.
I smiled as I saw her chubby cheeks and glimmering eyes. She has the most expressive eyes I have ever seen.
Agad ko s'yang binuhat at napatawa nang yakapin n'ya ang leeg ko. I can smell her cute perfume that I'm sure Zenica let her pick. Inalis n'ya rin agad 'yon para titigan ako nang direkta sa mga mata ko... just like how Zenica stares at my eyes intently. My heart warmed when she touched my face with her small hands and smiled at me.
Lumabas ang dimples sa magkabilang pisngi n'ya at humagikgik bago lumingon kay Zenica at gano'n din ang ginawa ko.
I saw Zenica's soft gaze on our daughter and the contented smile on her lips.
"Can I have a kiss?" I asked as I leaned down to reach Zenica's face and she looked at me.
Ngumiti si Zenica at napatawa bago lumapit at pinatakan ng halik ang mga labi ko.
I placed my other hand on her waist and hugged her.
"I love you, Zen," I told her.
"I love you, Lael."