Chapter 34
"Did he hurt you again?" Lael asked and I heard the contained anger in his voice. "Zen... did he make you cry?"
Napasinghap ako at napapikit nang mariin. Kahit na hindi n'ya tukuyin kung sino 'yon, I figured that it was Seve he was talking about.
Narinig ko ang mahinang mura ni Lael at ang marahang paghigpit ng yakap n'ya sa akin.
We're standing meters away from the venue. Dinig na dinig ko pa rin ang classical music galing doon at ang ilang ingay galing sa mga estudyante.
Naramdaman ko ang paghaplos ni Lael sa buhok ko at parang kumakalma ang sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil doon.
"How can I let you go... when I know that you'll only get hurt if I did?" He said and my heart clenched in soothing pain.
I want to tell him that he can just choose to not let me go... but God knows how bad I am with words. God knows how I struggle to admit what I feel. Ni sa sarili ko, hindi ko magawang aminin agad ang nararamdaman.
Pero sa pagkakataong 'to, gusto kong baguhin 'yon... dahil...
Mahal ko si Lael.
"It hurts so bad..." I mumbled and silence enveloped the two of us. "It hurts so bad, Lael," I confessed as I felt the painful clenching on my heart.
Naramdaman ko ang paglalim ng paghinga ni Lael at pakiramdam ko, lalo s'yang nahirapan dahil sa sinabi ko. I feel like he's angry... not at me but at the things that cause me pain.
Natahimik kaming dalawa at ramdam na ramdam ko ang higpit ng pagkakahawak n'ya sa'kin... hindi masakit, pero ramdam ko ang pagpipigil n'ya sa sarili.
"Choose me," he said and I closed my eyes.
"Choose me, Zen," ulit n'ya, na para bang hindi sapat no'ng unang beses.
"I'll treat you better," he mumbled. "I'll love you and take care of you. Just choose me," he begged.
Uminit ang puso ko sa sinabi n'ya. Pakiramdam ko, matagal n'ya nang gustong sabihin sa akin ang mga salitang 'yon pero pinipigilan ang sarili dahil ayaw n'yang pilitin akong gawin ang bagay na hindi ko naman gustong gawin.
Humigpit ang pagkakakapit ko sa damit n'ya at napapikit nang maramdaman ang lason sa isipan.
I want to tell him what I think... para alam n'ya kung ano ang ikinakatakot ko. At kung iwan n'ya ako dahil napagtanto n'yang tama ang lahat ng ikinakatakot ko, I will let him go. I will try to heal alone... and move on from everything. Parang imposible pero susubukan ko dahil kailangan.
"I don't deserve you," I mumbled.
I thought that it will take him a while to reply pero agad s'yang sumagot sa sinabi ko.
"Zen, I don't want you to feel worthy of someone else but me," Lael said and I bit my lip. "If you don't deserve me, then I don't want you to feel deserving of somebody else."
Napasinghap ako dahil sa sinabi ni Lael at malakas na gumalabog ang puso ko.
It sounds so selfish but I liked what he said because it consoled my coward heart and assured my failing faith.
I don't deserve someone like Lael but I want to be. Pakakawalan ko ba ang pagkakataong 'to dahil lang pinagdududahan ko ang sarili ko?
He's like a blessing to me; a blessing that I received although I'm undeserving and underqualified. At kahit na hindi naman ako karapat-dapat, ibinigay pa rin sa'kin ang bagay na 'yon dahil inilaan talaga 'yon para sa'kin.
There are things that we don't deserve but we still received, I realized. Sa dami ng pagkakamali at kasalanang nagawa natin, patuloy pa rin tayong tumatanggap ng mga bagay na hindi naman natin pinaghirapan at hindi tayo karapat-dapat.
Kung dumating ang panahon na mapagtanto n'ya na may ibang babaeng karapat-dapat para sa kan'ya... maiintindihan ko. Pero sa ngayon na ako pa ang pinipili n'ya, sisikapin kong ako ang pipiliin n'ya araw-araw. Sa ngayon na ako pa ang nandito, susulitin ko ang oras at gagawin ko ang makakaya ko.
I will love him like how he deserves to be loved... and take care of him like how he deserves to be taken care of.
Kung naiisip kong hindi ako sapat at kulang ang lahat ng kaya kong ibigay, I will try harder just so I can make him feel that although I am lacking, I genuinely want to love him. Ipapakita ko na kahit may mga pagkukulang, nando'n ang puso kong manatili at magmahal sa kan'ya.
Ngayon ko napagtanto na may isang bagay pala kaming pagkakatulad...
Just like what he said, if he doesn't deserve to be with me, I don't want him to deserve to be with someone else.
Kung hindi ako, ayokong may iba. Kung hindi s'ya, ayokong maghanap ng iba.
It's selfish... but I want him... only for me.
"I don't want you to be deserving of somebody else too..." I mumbled and Lael stiffened when he heard what I said. Dumiin ang pagkakakapit ko sa coat na soot n'ya. "I want you for myself too..."
Napalunok ako nang unti-unting kinalas ni Lael ang pagkakayakap n'ya sa akin. Ayoko pang kumalas sa pagkakayakap n'ya sa'kin pero hinayaan ko na lang s'ya sa ginawa dahil gusto ko ring makita ang mga mata n'ya.
Lael held my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes.
I stared at his eyes and I saw how his eyes glimmered. Kumikinang ang mga ilaw sa madilim na gabing 'yon sa mga mata n'ya.
Damang-dama ko ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko at ang pakiramdam ng pagmamahal na umaapaw doon. It's overflowing and I can't contain it anymore.
Tahimik lang na tumitig sa akin si Lael at alam kong hindi n'ya inaasahan ang sinabi ko. This is the first time... that I will be completely honest with how I feel.
"I don't deserve you... but I can't watch you with someone else," I said and Lael continued staring at me.
Napalunok ako at naramdaman ang matinding kaba pero gusto kong ipagpatuloy ang sinasabi.
"I want to pour all my love to you... not just because you deserve it... but because I want to, Lael," I confessed.
Dahil pakiramdam ko, kung hindi ko ibibigay sa kan'ya ang lahat ng pagmamahal na 'yon, lalo lang akong masasaktan at mangungulila. Gusto kong ibigay at ipaalam sa kan'ya kung ga'no na kalalim ang nararamdaman ko... dahil pakiramdam ko, sobra-sobra na at nag-uumapaw.
I haven't felt this before... Ngayon lang. Sa kan'ya lang.
Lumalim ang paghinga ni Lael at bumaba ang tingin n'ya sa mga labi ko.
"I couldn't tell you how I feel... because I'm scared of hurting you," I admitted.
But I'm trying to overcome that fear now... because I selfishly want you for me too. It would be foolish to let you go. At kahit may parte sa isipan ko na gustong pakawalan ka para makahanap ka ng taong mas karapat-dapat para sa'yo, higit na mas malaki ang parte ng isipan kong gusto kang itabi na lang sa'kin...
If I'd choose to let you go, it would be the greatest regret that I will ever bear.
Nang unti-unting yumuko si Lael kahit na hindi pa ako tapos sa lahat ng sinasabi, agad akong napasinghap sa gulat. He slowly held my face with both of his hands and placed a soft kiss on my lips.
Naramdaman ko ang lambot ng mga labi n'ya at halos mapa-atras ako sa pakiramdam na dulot ng halik ni Lael. Parang tumigil ako sa paghinga at biglang nagliwanag ang lahat para sa'kin.
Agad na uminit ang mga pisngi ko nang bahagyang inilayo ni Lael ang mukha sa mukha ko. His drunken eyes are still focused on my lips and I saw him gulp before his thumb caressed my bottom lip. He softly cursed and closed his eyes.
"Am I dreaming?" He asked and it felt like the question isn't for me.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga labi ni Lael. I gulped before I raised my hands to hold both of his cheeks and pull his face nearer.
Inilapat ko ang mga labi ko sa mga labi ni Lael at naramdaman ko ang pagbaba ng mga kamay n'ya sa magkabilang baywang ko. I kissed him longer than how I kissed him before and tasted mint from his lips. Lael pulled my waist closer.
His lips taste sweet too... and soft, like I was kissing heaven.
And when we let go of each other, Lael cursed before he leaned his forehead on mine. Ramdam ko ang diin ng pagkakahawak n'ya sa magkabilang baywang ko.
"If this is a dream, please don't wake me up," he mumbled.
Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko at kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko. I felt the wild raging of my heart.
I feel like I'm seeing the future I didn't know was for me. Kapag hawak ko si Lael; kapag kasama ko s'ya, nakikita ko ang hinaharap na hindi ko alam na puwede ko palang maranasan.
And I love the feeling of it.
"I love you, Lael," I confessed and my tears fell.
Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ni Lael sa baywang ko.
He slowly pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
"I love you more than you'll ever know, Zenica," he mumbled and his voice broke.
Lalong bumuhos ang mga luha ko nang yakapin pabalik si Lael. Nararamdaman ko ang sakit sa dibdib ko... but it was the kind of pain that I will willingly experience over and over again. It's the kind of pain that only Lael can give me.
My heart is aching because he loves me and he chose me. At tingin ko, hindi ko mararamdaman ang sakit na 'to kaninoman. It will only be Lael... tonight... the next days... and until the end of time.
I know, in my heart, that it will only be Lael for me.
Hawak-hawak ni Lael ang kamay ko habang magkatabi kaming naka-upo sa isang bench malapit sa venue ng prom. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang nangyayari sa loob... pero mas gugustuhin kong manatili rito kasama si Lael.
Tinanggal n'ya ang coat kanina at nakapatong na 'yon sa mga balikat ko, pino-protektahan ako mula sa lamig ng gabing 'yon. Amoy na amoy ko ang pabango n'ya at nakatulog 'yon para pakalmahin ang puso kong tumitibok sa isang masayang ritmo.
Damang-dama ko ang init ng palad ni Lael dahil sa magkahawak naming mga kamay at bahagyang nakikiliti ang kamay ko dahil sa paglalaro n'ya ro'n.
Kanina pa kami tahimik, walang nagsasalita pero payapa ang kalooban ko. Nakakaramdam ako ng saya at ng kakuntentuhan.
I watched Lael's thumb as it caressed mine and smiled when I felt how comforting it was. I feel like he genuinely cares for me.
Hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng excitement ngayong naamin ko na kay Lael ang nararamdaman ko. I feel like my best days are about to come.
Unti-unti kong isinandal ang ulo ko sa balikat ni Lael at narinig ko ang pagbuga n'ya ng hangin.
"You said that it hurts so bad..." Lael said and I stared at our hands. "Is it... because of me?"
Napangiti ako at ako naman ang humplos sa daliri ni Lael. He caught my thumb with his thumb and I smiled more.
I feel like he'd apologize right away if I answered that he's the reason why I felt hurt.
Pero hindi naman sumakit ang puso ko dahil sinaktan n'ya ako. Sumakit ang puso ko dahil...
"I love you so much that it hurts," I mumbled.
Lael chuckled and I rose from leaning my head on his shoulder just to look at him. I saw him loosely covering his lips with his left hand at kahit na hindi gaanong maliwanag ang ilaw galing sa posteng hindi kalayuan, pakiramdam ko ay namumula ang buong mukha n'ya.
His eyes look like they're shining too. The lights from the nearby posts and from the buildings are reflected in his eyes. Pero bukod do'n, may ibang kinang ng emosyon sa mga mata n'ya.
I noticed the small smile on his lips.
"Effective ba 'yung gayuma?" He chuckled and my eyes turned into slits but I couldn't help but grin because of what he said.
"You won't need that," I shrugged. "I already love you for who you are."
Lael cursed as he closed his eyes. Itinukod n'ya ang siko sa bakal na arm rest ng kahoy na bench bago isinandal ang noo ko sa kamao, parang problemado pero kita ko naman ang kumakaway na dimple dahil sa hindi mapigilang ngiti.
"I think my heart wouldn't be able to take it," Lael mumbled.
Natahimik kaming dalawa at matagal ko s'yang tinitigan. Lael looked at me and stared back as we smiled softly at each other.
"I'm your girlfriend now, Lael," I mumbled and his hold on me tightened before his smile grew wider.
"You are, Zen," he smiled as he squeezed my hand and as his eyes glimmered with joy and adoration.