Liv & Kuolema

VI

As all good things had to, their shared time by the waterfall came to an end. Both Berwald and Timo were reluctant to make their way back to the city, but Timo didn't know the way back, and Berwald didn't want it to get much darker before they returned. There was a difference between navigating a dimly lit city and blindly making one's way through dense trees. 

At some point during their walk, Timo had slipped his hand into Berwald's. Even though he'd put his gloves on long before they ever left, the contact was nice. Berwald didn't know how he'd survived so long without it. Every so often Timo would smile up at him, his features illuminated by the glow of the setting sun, and Berwald would feel his heart skip a beat. 

For one of the first times since befriending Timo, he hadn't felt so horribly anxious in his presence. Every once in awhile an unpleasant thought tried worming itself into his mind, but he reminded himself that even though the one scenario he was most afraid of presented itself, the evening had still gone smoothly.

Timo hadn't pushed him away, not even when all their secrets came out.

Berwald's overactive mind tried to convince him then that the Finn was simply pretending to be polite, that after tonight they'd drift apart with little to no explanation. A glance towards Timo reassured him that wasn't the case. In spite of being occupied with the foliage around them, Timo was smiling to himself. Every so often, he'd unwittingly squeeze Berwald's hand. It couldn't have been an act.

He wanted to say something, anything to let Timo know just how happy he was. Nothing sounded right in his head, and anyway with his luck, he'd mangle the words so badly the meaning would be lost. 

"You're tense again, Ber," Timo hummed as he looked up to his friend. "If you're uncomfortable, we don't have to hold hands anymore. I know it's new for you, even with those gloves on."

After a moment of consideration, Berwald shook his head. Something wasn't right, but it couldn't have had to do with holding Timo's hand. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and frowned. 

"No, it's okay. Just don't feel right. Hot," he told him.

Sometimes, in the heat of the summer, in times where he couldn't take off his gloves or his coat, a similar feeling would come over him. Overheated, heart racing, an almost nauseating feeling in his stomach. Since his heart was racing and he couldn't cool down until he was at home, it made him feel like he had to be afraid, and he always hated that. It felt like that now, his cheeks warm and his stomach a ball of nerves. 

The Finn gave his hand one final squeeze, then pulled away and moved in front of him before stopping in his tracks. He rested his hands on his hips as he looked over his shoulder, then back at Berwald. 

"Well, how about we get that heavy coat off, at least until we're back to the city. I can carry it, and we haven't seen anyone else out here yet," he explained. His lips were pursed as his eyes slowly trailed down the Swede, who was tugging his collar in an attempt to cool down. 

He didn't need any more convincing. It was growing late and he seldom ran into others on this trail anyway. So his gloves- too thick to work the buttons with ease -came off, and his coat soon followed. 

Just that was enough to work miracles. He tucked his clothes into their picnic basket and draped his coat over his arm. His expression must have confirmed his relief, because it wasn't long before Timo asked, 

"Is that better, Ber?"

"Yeah, it's nice," he replied. He took a few deep breaths in and out, hoping the cooler evening air might still his pounding heart. "Stay like this for a moment."

However, he didn't feel completely better, not yet, and he must have not looked it either. Timo shuffled closer, then reached up and put his hand on Berwald's forehead. Berwald had seen mothers do the same to their infants before, though the exact purpose was lost to him.