Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

31 October, 1982 - Without Him

***

As the months ticked by after Lavinia's brief and rather awkward conversation with Severus, things started becoming more normal. Sort of. Most days, Lavinia fought for that normal. She clung to it with the desperation of a drowning woman because when the normal slipped, when her facade fell or cracked for even the briefest of moments... it was like she was right back there. Still sitting on the couch in the living room. Waiting. Like time hadn't passed. Like the truth hadn't come out. Like he would still come home. Come back to her.

And then reality set back in. And it hurt just as much as it had that day. Just as much as the first time. It shouldn't have. Shew knew that. She should have moved on. Like Severus had started moving on. Like Remus had started moving on. But she didn't know how. And when the mask slipped and that normal she so clung to fell away... Somehow, she hadn't processed it all. Somehow some stupid part of her heart was still waiting. Was still hoping. Was still certain he could come home.

But he wouldn't. Because he had left.

And some days, it didn't matter. Some days she was strong enough to just... move on. To keep going. Because some days she knew that she still had something left. Despite everything that was gone, there was still something here for her to work with. To grow off of. And some days, that was enough. Some days, she truly believed that she too could move on.

But other days... well other days were like today. And today... Today the cliff was high and the sea breeze was sharp and salty in Lavinia's face as she stood there, arms wrapped around herself, mere inches from the edge, watching the waves crash on the jagged stones at the cliff base far below her. The sound of them was a wild thing, a rush and sweep as their spray lifted on the wind. The violence of it was almost repelling to her today. Because there was no violence in her today. There was nothing in her today. It was all just... empty.

Of course, if she was honest, it wasn't just today. Today she didn't have the energy to pretend, but truthfully... Well. She had been empty for a very long time now. One year, to be precise. Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five days. Exactly.

Because one year ago today, they had died.

One year ago today, he had left.

And one year ago today, Lavinia had realized that all those forevers they had promised hadn't meant much of anything at all. She hadn't meant much of anything at all. And she knew that was selfish. Knew that was such a narrow and naive view of what Sirius had done, but on days like this she didn't care. On days like this, she woke up and the bed was too empty and too cold and there was an open space where he should have been. On days like this the ring on her finger made her want to scream. Want to find him in whatever cell he now rotted in and shout in his face that how could he. How could he leave her behind? How could he think revenge was more important than all the promises they had made? All the love he'd said he'd had?

How could he?

And then of course, the guilt sunk in. Because that was foolish of her. Silly. Selfish. He had been hurting, she knew that. He had been in pain and grieving and he had run without thinking and she knew that. But he hadn't run to her. For all that he always told her, over and over again to run to him. For all that he had promised again and again that there were no arms he'd rather fall into. No comfort he'd rather have. When it had mattered, when it had been put to the test... he had not run to her.

He hadn't even come home to her.

And it was selfish of her to focus on that. To not consider everything else that had happened. To not forgive him when she knew she should have.

But on days like this, all Lavinia really wanted was to be just a little bit selfish. Just for a little while. She wanted to not have to understand him. To not have to forgive him. She wanted it to be okay that she hurt and she hated him for it. She wanted it to be okay that she raged at him for leaving. Because he had left. And that was on him. Regardless of circumstances, regardless of all of it, he had left. And that had been his choice. And she wanted to blame him and hate him and hurt and not feel guilty about it.