Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

24 June, 1994 - Shit (II)

There was nothing in the world but the silence in her head that was endless and ageless and aching. Nothing in the world except, perhaps, those eyes that pinned her in place as effectively as any spell.

He was here.

He was here in her home. Here on her couch. Here. Like he'd never left in the first place. Like she'd just come back from a normal day and of course they were both here. Both home. Remus, her friend and Sirius her...

Her nothing, she reminded herself. Not anymore. Because it didn't matter what it looked like. Didn't matter that those eyes threw her back through the years and made her remember other times, made her remember dreams and nightmares and broken promises. Didn't matter at all. Because he had left. And he had no right and no reason to be here.

So he needed to leave. She needed to tell him to leave before the sight of those eyes undid something deep inside her and made it all fall apart.

But the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. Her lungs didn't seem to work and her tongue was frozen and her head didn't have any thoughts inside it. And in the middle of all that stillness, her heart was hurricane in her chest, screeching and screaming and warring with itself. Begging her to run to him and from him, to beg him for forgiveness and scream at him for apologies she knew she deserved. To laugh. Or to cry. And she didn't know what to do, didn't know what part of her to listen to, didn't know-

"Is there a reason you're not going inside?" asked a young and impatient voice behind Lavinia, pushing her head under the woman's arm.

The silence snapped. The ice shattered.

"Shit."

"That's not an answer," Jasmine observed drily, twisting her head to peer at Lavinia, who most definitely had not intended to say that out loud. But...

Shit. Deep, unending, awful shit.

This was all wrong. This was not how this day was supposed to go. Not how this meeting was supposed to go. Actually, she didn't think this meeting was supposed to happen in the first place, but since it apparently was, this was not how it was supposed to go.

So Lavinia made a split second decision and didn't give herself time to think of the consequences as she pushed Jasmine back and slammed the door in front of her own face, staring at the wood only inches from her nose, eyes still pinned on that place where she knew if she opened that door and stepped just a foot or so forward, she would find his eyes. Grey eyes. Stormcloud eyes.

"Shit."

"You know," Jasmine added mildly, "For someone who keeps telling me not to swear, you really do it a lot."

Lavinia let out a sharp breath that might have been an attempt at a laugh or else just some release of tension and finally made herself turn away from the door. Away from the house. Away from him.

"Jas," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady even as her heart pounded like a drumbeat in her ears, "We need to go. You need to stay elsewhere today."

Jasmine blinked at her, tipping her head slightly to the side. "Why?" she asked, but rather than the usual curious demand in her voice, this was a softer, gentler kind of question, like the girl had suddenly realized that this wasn't funny. This wasn't a joke. And Lavinia wasn't laughing.

Lavinia forced a smile, fully aware that it didn't reach her eyes and probably didn't fool Jasmine for even a moment, but figuring she ought to at least try not to freak the poor thing out. "Because," she started, a bit shakily, then paused, trying to decide how much of the truth to tell the girl. She wanted to be honest with her, as much as she could. And she knew Jasmine had a talent for spotting lies. But she also couldn't tell the whole truth. She didn't think she even had the words to tell it if she'd wanted to, much less the willpower to say it out loud.