Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

31 December, 1988 - Friend (IV)

After Lavinia broke up with Ethan, there was a full week during which she didn't hear so much as a word from him. Which, she reminded herself, was fair. More than fair really. He owed her nothing and if he needed space, then Lavinia would give it in a heartbeat. Even if she missed him. Even if there were times when she wanted nothing more than him by her side to tell her that the world was beautiful just as it was.

But she was patient. Begrudgingly so, but she forced herself to be patient. And eventually, Ethan did indeed come to find her. On a rare sunny afternoon in late October, he knocked on her front door and asked if she wanted to grab some tea. She said yes, of course, without a moment of hesitation, relief flooding her and something tight that she hadn't even noticed had loosened in her. And, somewhat to her surprise, stayed loose.

Ethan, it turned out, made for a very good friend and once Lavinia had made it clear that she had no qualms about what time of day they hung out, things had stopped being quite so stiff between them and they had gone back to their midnight brownies and star gazing.

Not that there weren't awkward moments. There most certainly were. After all, they'd been dating for nearly two years and there were times when they walked side by side and Lavinia's fingers itched to hold his, or when he looked particularly lovely and something in her heart seemed to get stuck. Or when they said goodbye and Lavinia had seen him choke down the "I love you" he had always offered at their partings.

The first time it had happened, Lavinia had been left feeling rather hollow, wondering once again what the hell she had done. Wondering if she might ever again find someone who always made sure their parting words were I love you. Wondering if she had just consigned herself to loneliness for eternity.

But there were also moments and days when Lavinia felt a sort of freedom that she hadn't felt for years. Or maybe ever. There were days when the realization struck that she didn't have to feel guilty for any of the things in her heart. Days when she decided that she was going to do things for no better reason than because she wanted to. Days when there was nothing more relieving than knowing that she had made no promises. So she couldn't possibly break any either.

She knew that was probably selfish of her, but it was liberating, too. And on those days, she felt better than she thought she might ever have before. Like the world was hers for the taking. Like each and every thing she did in the course of her day was a choice and one she could make freely, with no strings attached and no worries to hold her back. Like the darkness in her chest might finally have gone away.

It hadn't though. She knew that.

Because there were also the lonely days. Days when she could have stared for hours at the pictures on the mantle of her and Sirius and the ones beside them of her and Ethan, so strangely still thanks to the muggle camera they'd been taken with. Days when her heart seemed to do nothing but wish and wish and wish. Days when no one answered those silent prayers.

But those days weren't common and as the weeks and eventually months passed, Lavinia learned how to manage them. How to make herself breathe through them. How to remind herself that they were just days. Not lifetimes.

And through it all her friends were there. Miriam and Ethan and Remus and Bertie. They made for a very small and slightly motley crew and not one Lavinia ever really saw all together, but she loved them all individually and she wouldn't have traded them for the world.

Actually, it wasn't until New Years Eve was approaching that Lavinia thought that maybe it would be nice to have them all around her. Most of them had met each other, at least in passing, and she had a good time with each individually and as New Years approached Lavinia found herself, for perhaps the first time in years, missing having a group. Missing being surrounded by the warmth of many people, laughing people, being able to watch while others joked and teased and... and it had been a long time since she'd had that. A long time since she'd wanted it because some part of her was afraid she would enjoy it too much and then it would end. Would fall apart like every other group of friends she'd had.