Shut Up & Listen

feels like...

I'm old shit. Noted. I tried my hardest to let my boredness with the topic be shown on my face.

"There are things that we never really got the chance to talk about. Some things that I've been keeping from you that I never intended to even bring up with you in all actuality. For one, I never really told you the reason... the thing that really pushed me to end things with you."

"It was on me, i-" She put her hand up to make me stop talking. "It wasn't all on you... I have skeletons too. Yes, you had your shit... shit that really made me... it doesn't matter. But... I had done something that was haunting me and I couldn't keep looking at you knowing I had broken your trust even though you didn't know. I felt like you could tell that I was hiding something..." she put her hands together like pieces to a puzzle and shifted her weight before continuing, this time slower, and uneasy which solicited more of my attention.

"Every time we were together, my guilt made me look at you differently. I just kept finding things wrong with you to justify what I had done." She took another breath.

"The longer I keep this secret, the harder it became to be around you. And then things started to change with your family. People were getting sick, and you were going through all that shit with your father. I never intended to tell you because I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it. And then your father passed away and then I really couldn't make myself come to you an-" I cut her off saying, "What?", in an attempt to move her closer to the point she's trying to dance around.

"I'm sorry. I took something from you without consulting you first, but it was the best thing for me at the time. And I think about it all th-" I cut her off again, unwilling to wait through more of the same shit, just twisted around.

"Jill. What are you talking about?" I asked, scratching the side of my head.

"A baby." I raised my brows, looking down at her belly. "No, Colin." She held my face up. "I had to break up with you because I.." my ears were ringing and everything went all slow motion like. I could see her talking, but for some reason, I wasn't processing. I could just hear her repeating a word over and over. Sorry. Like that word was sufficient enough to heal. I left the room and went to the living room to sit on the couch feeling the eyes of Cobe on me.

I looked over at Cobe who was still in a mood from earlier. I got up from the couch and went into the kitchen opening the small cabinet above the stove. "Colin." I heard Jill say as she finally came back downstairs. "Colin, can we finish our-"

"I am finished. You can let yourself out."

"Cole." I ignored her and proceeded to fish around for my stash that I got from Jemaika yesterday. I heard the door shut softly letting me know that Jill was finally gone. I turned around, leaning up against the stove allowing the recent news to finally penetrate my understanding. Fuck her. If anything, I'm only happy that God finally gave me the kick in the ass I needed to finally be done with her.

I thought there was nothing in this earth that could ever make me stop loving her. In the back of my mind, it didn't matter who I was with, who I was fucking, who I was kissing, Jill was always at the center of my heart. I always had this notion that eventually, I'd go back to her or she'd come back to me and we'd fix everything and live happily ever after. I think about her all time. She's my soulmate. Most people go through hella relationships wasting their entire lives trying to find theirs and I found mine. Luckily though, this one has come to do what it was meant to, and is finally moved on.

In the season of our affair, three years of unconditional passion, Jill taught me love. Before her, I'd never known that feeling... I didn't believe that shit really existed. She taught me how to recognize love and she taught me how to accept love. Most importantly, she taught me how to give love. She made a nigga soften up and I thank her for that shit, really. I heard footsteps coming from the hall before Cobe turned the corner.

I watched his white nikes grace the tiled floor. My attention took a trip from the whites of his shoes to the exposed brown of his legs up to his black dickies shorts... She taught me how to let go... accept... grow. His hand dangled at his side and my eyes left his fingertips for his biceps snug within his white polo and his mouth... she taught me that love is the ability to look past the physical... The heat from his closeness when he settled beside me felt... nostalgic. Like, he's always been right beside me whenever I need him to be. I took his hand into mine and pulled him into me kissing him on his forehead before rapping my arms around his shoulders. Our eyes locked and in his pupils I saw our moments... those moments that only the two of us know of. We've shared a lot.

"We gone be alright." I mumbled, only half believing it myself. He leaned forward, pecking my lips with his before repeating what I had said just seconds before. This time, I believed it because I know two halves make a whole.

I kissed the side of his face before resting my head on his shoulder. "You know what this feels like?" He chuckled into my ear.

"Hm."

"That night in Atlanta when I finally found you after you got lost trying to walk to the damn store by yourself." He started laughing and I smiled at the recollection. "We ran into each others arms all dramatic like... like we was in a movie or some shit. My dumbass felt like I would never see you again so when I found you, I was sure as shit not letting you go." Lifting my head up, we locked eyes again. His dimples disappearing as soon as his smile did. Intense fire was burning between our bodies.

"I was lost for hours." I said softly.

"So was I." He looked away from my eyes allowing his gaze to fall as his emotions violently swayed across his face. He tried walking away, but I've already lost one soul mate today, so this one has to stay.

Our noses grazed eachothers and his air mixed with mine, our lips only separated by skepticism and reluctance. That fire though, it melted our insecurities and fear into eachothers until we were so close we'd become one. I held onto his waist ensuring no escape was possible, but once our lips connected, there was no thing in the world that could pull us apart.

His hands slid through the space left between my arms and body, dipping into my loose fitting joggers taking hold of my cheeks.

"Nigga, you free-balling?" He smiled into the kiss. My only response was a moan that vibrated between our lips.

12.20.2020