Last Place You Look

Chapter 49

Death is a really weird concept. We live these lives, create friendships, relationships, families. And then it all just ends. Then there's nothing. And we don't know what comes after. No one can say for sure if there's a heaven or a hell, or reincarnation, or just blackness.

I've never been an overly religious person, but I found myself praying more after my dad died. I didn't really know how to pray, so I would usually just close my eyes and speak whatever I needed to in existence and hope that whatever higher being could possibly be out there was listening and hearing. It was weird.

I felt empty. I think Harry was feeling it too. I heard him on the phone with Anne the day after it happened. He was crying to her in the living room when he thought I was asleep, another thing that he'd been doing more often. I heard him tell her that it felt like he was losing his dad all over again. I knew he was hurting, but I had no clue it was that much. I let him cry though, knowing that this one was Anne's job. I would hug him afterword and let the care continue after she hung up.

Planning a funeral was hard. Mom asked Malakai if he would do it. He was the most level headed of the four of us. I wasn't doing well, but I was still present. I was trying hard to stay present. Harry had asked.

I woke up the other night to him talking to himself, but he was talking like he was talking to me. He was whispering into my hair. I could hear him crying softly. He was trying so hard not to wake me up.

"I don't know how to make this one better when I'm hurting too. I can't do this without you. Please don't leave me, Charlie. Please try to stay. I need you to stay with me."

I didn't want him to know I was awake. I didn't want him to know my heart broke, even though he could probably hear it. I kept my eyes closed and rolled over and threw my arms around him. I wanted to let him believe that it was a coincidence. I stayed awake for a while longer to make sure he fell asleep. I kept my body pressed against his the whole time. He talked for a while longer, but it usually circled back to him asking me not to leave and telling me how much he loved me. I wanted to talk back so bad, he sounded so sad. But he struggled to be emotional in front of people. I didn't want to risk him keeping it in if he knew I was awake. He needed to let it out.

I started to help Malakai with the funeral planning. I had no clue what we were doing or how to plan a funeral, but he was getting overwhelmed doing it by himself. Mom told me there were a few documents in his office that detailed exactly what he wanted for his funeral and burial, as well as the suit he wanted to be buried in. Harry drove to their house with me. It was weird knowing that he wasn't going to come out of his office to greet me.

I grew up in that house my entire life and walking into it the for the first time after he died felt wrong. It was uncomfortable. There was an eerie silence, but the sound of his laugh still echoed off the walls.

Going in their room was even worse. Whenever I was sick, I would crawl into their bed and cuddle up in between them. Their bed was made perfectly still since no one had been there in days. My mom had been staying with us for the last few days. 

I opened his office door and the air was cold. I sat down at his chair and could feel him standing behind me. He used to let me sit in it and he would spin me around while he talked me through his book concepts. I was always the first one to know what he was writing. He even asked me for my opinion on characters and side plots. He even let me name a few characters.

I opened up the drawer that my mom said his documents were in. She said they had their wills reevaluated and notarized every few years to make sure they still wanted what they had written down. It had been two years since they had looked at them again, but she said he had only changed things after Malakai and I were born to accommodate for us.