Last Place You Look

Chapter 67

August 29th, 365 days without Harry.

I thought it would get easier. My mom said it gets easier with time, but it never did.

I had spent an entire year sleeping in the guest room. I couldn't sleep in our room. I couldn't sleep in our bed knowing he wasn't going to join me in it. I just couldn't do it. It didn't feel right.

Sleeping had gotten a lot harder and I spent most nights just rolling around in the guest bed. On the nights I could sleep, I would see his face. I would relive all of our happiest moments. 

And I would wake up and remember that he wasn't there.

And I was back to the beginning again.

His funeral was hard. I never once thought I would have to pick out my husband's casket or decide what to put on his tombstone. But when I picked his plot, I picked the one right next to his for me. I wasn't going to risk it. 'Til death do us part' didn't count for me. I was going to be with him in death, even if it would take decades to get there. Not even death could keep me from him. He was my soulmate. He was just waiting for me in another life. I just knew it.

Niall and Gemma spoke at his funeral. They both said beautiful things about him. His will asked for strawberry margaritas, virgin ones for the kids and designated drivers. I remembered he'd made a joke about having them at every important event, but I never thought that would include his funeral. I couldn't get myself to drink one. I took a sip and could only think about how they tasted on his lips after he'd drank one. I threw it away.

It wasn't fair.

Skylar started to understand what was going on when we went home and he never showed up. She spent weeks crying for him. She didn't stop. His funeral was the worst part because she could see pictures of him, of us, but he never showed up. He had requested an open casket funeral, but he still didn't look like himself when I saw what the funeral director had done. He looked beautiful and peaceful, but I couldn't risk Skylar seeing him like that. I wanted her last memory of him to look like he was sleeping.

I started to hope she would just forget.

But that was selfish.

She didn't deserve to forget him. She didn't deserve to not remember his voice or how much he loved her.

It took a year for me to go through his things and try to figure out what to do with them. Everyone offered to help, but it felt like something I needed to do myself. I asked Niall and Kira to take Skylar for the day so I wouldn't have to worry about her. They offered to keep her as long as I needed. She spent a lot of time with them after the funeral. They'd moved in together and made up a room for her. There were a lot of days where I just couldn't get myself to be a mom. There were days where I couldn't even get myself to be human, to exist.

I went through his clothes first. I kept all of his comfy shirts. I wore them to bed more often than not and I couldn't part with them. I made the decision to give donate his dress clothes. I could practically hear him telling me how someone else could use them and wished that I was actually hearing him say it.

His jewelry came next. He used to wear an obscene amount of rings when we met. I rarely saw him take them off, but he put them all away when we got married.

"This is the only one I need now."

 I decided to keep them. I had a couple of them resized so I could wear them as a reminder.

The funeral home asked if I wanted his wedding ring. I said no. The love we shared with each other didn't end just because his life did. That ring was a symbol, so it stayed with him. Sometimes I regret that.