shadow of yourself | Bobby (JATP)

chapter 1

At the graduation of my senior year in High School,  I decided it was time to start over, to let go and forget. Which caused me to break up with my boyfriend whom I had been dating since a 5th-grade hide and seek game.

Of course, my mother were not pleased to find out, the boy who she already told had permission to marry me, was no longer going to be in my life. This quite honestly I understood, actually it was so understandable that I didn't even get mad when she said I had gone crazy,  however, it was up to debate.

I decided to move to Italy for the summer, finally for the first time during something on my bucket list. As I ended up living with my uncle using most of my time painting. In reality, I had to look at it from a special point of view.

There are 365 days in a year, which means, if I am lucky enough, to become a 100, I'll have 36.500 days doing my whole life. As I have already lived around 6,405 of those days, I still have 30.295 days from now, until my 100th birthday.

I have so many things I wanted to do before college, even more before I turn 100. Yet as my 17th birth year, comes to an end, I realize, I haven't done anything on my bucket list. From roller-skating with my best friend, who does exist, or actually go to prom instead of staying home with my at the time boyfriend.  

In all honesty, I hadn't done anything. I didn't go to Busan and visit my grandparents, I didn't get an A on my midterms, I didn't dye my hair that weird strawberry blonde I wished. I never bought myself that Hello Kitty galaxy kid, I asked my mother for when I was 5. I didn't do anything, I simply just walked through my life, letting things sly by as I said:

"Yes I'm okay" or "Yeah I'll do it later" Not caring for myself only for the few people I loved. I let myself stare into the dimension of being okay, is just living in pain.

I remember what my mother once told me. "We are who we deserve to be", I have lived by this rule my whole life, but what if I wanna be something more than just, the girl in high school who dated Joshua Banks, graduated, got married, had kids, and became a soccer mom.

What if I didn't want to use seven years of my life dancing ballet, what if I wanted to play drums and become a famous painter, go to art school and meet someone new.

Those were my thoughts, as well as me being afraid of my mother's tongue. I wanted to live my life, start over, become myself. '

I was 17 and in the middle of a mid-life crisis. I feel like I used so much time, trying to be this perfect daughter, this perfect A student. That I didn't even see, how much I was breaking, I only saw myself, being torn down from things I was supposed to love.

I guess that's why I did, and I will say all my apologies. But you must understand...

who I am, is not who I wanna be, which is the difference of who I wanna become, and the truth is, I wanna become someone that I am proud of. Someone I can be okay with being, someone who isn't living in the shadows of fear, but living in the light.  A light that I can hug, impress, a light that others can see. I wanted to become myself.

When I received the letter that I had been accepted to my dream college, I honestly did not believe it. It was like a million stars lit up the sky that night and that every dream I had ever had would come true. My uncle and I celebrated the news with strawberry shortcake and champagne.

However, I did cry leaving the airport of beautiful Italy, to move back to the states to get my education. Seeing my mom was not my proudest moment, she didn't at all seem pleased by the fact her soon to be eighteen-year-old daughter had gone to Italy for a whole summer, only to bring back souvenirs and paintings of landscapes.