Child Of The Future

Episode 33: Deal

               "Shut up!!" I scream with a pissed off aura to these strange stupid random thoughts.

               Visions of children looking my way with the broken yoyo at my feet, point and close their eyes while laughing at me, blood stuck to my fingers from the cats torn open stomach I remember caring for if only during a child's walk.

               Let's begin again Spes. The history of who you are. Start.

               I don't want to go over it again! Shut the fvck up! Just shut up!!

               My name is Spes Trinity Markasson. I am the cure. I am the curse. I am the blessing. I am the reason so many have hope; I am the reason so many can hope for a better tomorrow. I am the origin of the beasts that roam this planet now.

               I am the mother, they are my children.

               I am the mother, they are my children.

               I am the curse, they are the plague.

               I am the curse, they are the plague.

               "Shut up!!" I repeat.

               Were you born only to destroy this earth? I mean what good are you? You can try and try to help but look what happened...you sat around and got buried alive. What good are you!? Worthless except for the blood that pumps and flows through your veins.

               I've earned this life haven't I?! Haven't I?!

               "Take a break. We'll pick the training tomorrow."

               My instructor? Gabby?

               "No!"

               "Spes, you're exhausted."

               "I want to keep going!"

               What worth do I have if all I did inside that mall was train and prance around like I was actual hope for people who either loved me or hated me? It was all just a mask anyway, all just to hide the guilt I'd been eating for years and years.

               What good am I out here? I came out here to do right but mostly to get rid of this blackened conscience, maybe be set free? Suicide was stupid, but what am I good for besides my blood? I'm nothing. I haven't done anything! I have no use to anyone!

               I'm not just a mother to those things!

               I'm me! Not just the Child of the Future!

               Rick, Michonne, Daryl, Jesse, they all see it don't they?

               How could they?

               I played my specialty card and proved to be worthless to them all.

               What is your purpose other than to be the Child of the Future? Are you even capable of being anything else? You're just a used vessel. Feeling guilty is for a person who actually had a choice in doing wrong.

               You aren't even important enough to feel guilty.

               You aren't important. You aren't a singular person. If you were a blind mute, dumb and dull, your purpose would be unchanged. It wouldn't even matter if you were in a wheelchair since birth and drooled every second of the day, it's only your DNA that they need.