Sidney Berry had her life planned out: after high school go to culinary school, become a world-renowned chef and marry her childhood sweetheart, Aiden. But after a tragic incident that shakes her world at the end of her senior year, her plans derail...
"He's doing great. He's healing. Still in pain but nothing a few Vicodin can't solve."
"Tell him to save me some!" Chante shouted into the phone. Sid chuckled out loud for the first time in the last few days. The joy felt good rolling through her body. It felt defiant and she loved having a moment of that. The cashier smiled at her as she bagged the groceries and handed the receipt to Sid.
"You're...just...thank you," Sid said to Chante.
"What?"
"You've always been so you. It's helped me...be. It's just helped me be." Sid said as she fought against tears rushing to her eyes. She'd cried so much these last few weeks and she was completely over it. She felt like such a softy.
"Aww, I knew you loved me. You need to work on your people skills but I think you're a boss bitch too."
"I will work on it." Sid wiped the tear that stubbornly escaped as she made her way into the building and pressed the elevator to return to her cocoon.
"I'll call you if I hear anything." Chante tried her best to sound reassured but she couldn't hide the fear in her voice from Sid because she was terrified too. It sounded just like hers did anytime Phil asked why she was obsessively checking her phone. Pressing her to know exactly what she meant when she said she was going to handle Kru. She had remained tight-lipped because she didn't want to be talked out of doing this. Trying to do this was all she had. She could only continue to live knowing that she did all she could to make a better life for herself and her people.
When she entered the apartment she tried to readjust her face and remove the tremor from her voice. They were in their bubble and she would do all she could to keep it intact for as long as she could. As she entered, she tried to close the door quietly in case Phil was sleeping. Surprisingly she saw him slowly emerging from the bathroom. Any moves he'd made recently had been with her assistance. She was happy to see him up and moving on his own but sad that she would lose one of her excuses for being close to him.
"Look at you." She said as she hoisted the bag full of groceries onto the kitchen counter. Phil smiled and threw a weak solitary fist pump into the air. He turned and made his way toward her like a slow-moving tortoise. She fought against the urge to rush over, loop her arm around his waist, and throw his left arm over her shoulder for support. Instead, she busied herself with pulling pots and pans from the cabinets. They were all pristine because Tomi never cooked. She downloaded every food delivery app and never thought about preparing food again.
"What's on the menu today?"
"Chili con carne and some buttermilk cornbread. Put some meat back on your bones." Sid giggled and put oil in a pan to sear some steak and chorizo for the chili. The sizzling of the pan was the only thing she could hear. Phil had gone quiet. She turned around to find him watching her. Leaned against the small island as his hip rested against a stool. The look in his eyes somewhere between sorrow and joy. "You don't like chili? Or is it the cornbread? Nah, everybody likes cornbread."
"I kept thinking about you."
"What?" Sid threw glances at him as she watched the meat cook. Using it as an excuse not to fall into his eyes again.
"I would feel the world falling away from me. Over and over again. I was afraid that it wouldn't come back again. But if I thought of you... it kind of like pulled me back to earth. It grounded me here. I didn't feel like I would float away. I wanted to stay here."
"If you didn't make it out of there...I..." Sid's words caught in her chest.
"I made it back because of you."
"No. I put you in this situation in the first place. I should have never taken anything from you. Especially because you've always been... I can breathe when I'm with you. Finally. It's like I'm not holding my fucking breath. Even with all that I still stole from you. I was out of my damn mind."
"I didn't belong in that world. I knew it. I'm not cut out for it but it was all I knew. I couldn't see a way out and regardless of how painful that shit was, you gave me a way out. There's no reason I have to go back there. I can start fresh. With you. I'd love to start fresh with you, Sid."
The thought of buying a plane ticket and moving to a place far away had crossed her mind more than she would have liked to admit. And it did again just then. Maybe the only thing the world owed her for all of her pain was a clean start. A clean slate that she could build her world on. But she could never fool herself into believing that peace meant more to her than justice. It never had. Starting over fresh wasn't justice. She would happily live in turmoil if it meant she was closer to righting things. The scales had to be balanced for her, her father, Chante, and even though he didn't want it, Phil.
"I have to make sure I'm leaving a place that I can come back to."
"You'd never have to come back here. The world is big as hell. Aside from the middle of the country, we can live anywhere we want." He laughed and winced. Sid laughed for him and shrugged her shoulders. Maybe he was right but still. "You're one of those rappers who get big and still come back to the hood, huh?"
Sid furrowed her brow. She'd never thought she would be compared to a rapper. Leave it to Phil to make such a weird correlation. But, after she considered it for a minute she nodded.
"Yeah. I guess I am." Sid felt an unexpected sense of pride in that. She moved the meat around in the pan for a moment before her phone trilled on the counter. Ahsan's number filled the screen. She hoped that Ahmed wasn't pressuring them to come back home already. He'd been reluctant to leave but his wife took the chance for them to return to Lebanon and visit family after not going back for more than twenty years.
"Hey, Ahsan. You guys get settled in fine?"
Sid tucked the phone between her shoulder and ear as she opened a can of kidney beans.
"I'm sure they are considering you're handling all their affairs." The can slipped from Sid's hands and landed on the floor. The liquid splattered, soaking her sneakers, and sending earth-colored beans skidding across the kitchen floor. She froze. Kru's voice flowing the phone was like a shard of ice being plunged into her chest.
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