Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

Chapter 1

It's three in the morning when you find her at your doorstep and you know, whitout a doubt, things are getting more complicated.

It's three in the morning and some weeks (you don't know how many:time is irrelevant in circumstances like this one) after Amelia called, a mess of sobbs and whispers and Derek is dead, he's dead! and you spent those days trying to breath and not to crumble and to sort out all your feelings because what should you fell anyway?! It's not like there are instructions written somewhere about how one should feell after the dead of someone they have been married to for eleven years!

And now here she is. Meredith Grey (Shepherd... No, knowing her she didn't take her husband's name. Too indipendente... Or maybe she simply didn't want to repeat her predecessor's errors), whit tired eyes and tired face and hunched shoulders and two sleeping children at her sides.

-Can I come in? - her voice is rough, like she hasn't used it for some time.

You are too surprised to speak and so nod and close the door and tell her to sit down and put the children on the sofa and.... What should you say to her, to the widow of your ex-husband? What can you say to make her understand that you know how she feels because you loved Derek maybe not how she did, certainly not how he loved her but you did, you do? But you fear to overstep and she isn't speaking, she is simply staring at the wall and the silence is uncomfortable and awakard but you don't know how to break it.

-Derek is dead-. She struggles whit every word and you feel a lump in your throat but nods and let her continue.

-I couldn't stay there. I didn't know where to go- she whispers almost apologetically and you take her hand murmuring (because you are falling and falling and falling but now is not important) - It's okay. You can stay here until you want. I have another room for your children and you can take my bed. I'll sleep on the couch-.

You don't ask her what you want to know, if she told anyone she was leaving, how is she, how is Amelia, what will happen, because she seems to be on the point to shatter in a tiny million pieces.

There will be time tomorrow, or today, because is past three in the morning and Meredith Grey is sitting on your coach whit her two sleeping children while your own sleeping son is in his bed.

-Come Meredith. You have to sleep-.

~~~~~~

You don't know if she really is sleeping or simply lying in an unfamiliar bed crying over Derek and thinking about what she lost.

You don't know because you're lying in your son's bed, stroking his hairs and controlling your breathing because you can't cry, not  yet, not now. Not when Meredith has come to you for reasons neither can understand. Not when in the other rooms there are two children who have lost their father and will wake up in a new house whit new people. You can't break because you are still thinking about Amelia, worried to death about what she can do now that Derek is dead and she is away, at Seattle, where you can't help her or protect her.

You know isn't healthy but you have to do, you have to think about anything that isn't you and how Derek's dead is affecting you (and again how should it affect you? It's normal that sometimes you can't breath or feel like the world is spinning and you can't stop the tears?).

You breath slowly through your mouth, trembling in the effort to control your sobs and decide to get up before waking Henry. The sun is barely visible, painting the sky pink and making glisten the sea. It's dawn and you spent another sleepless night.

-It's beautiful-. Meredith isn't less tired than three bourse before, when she presented herself at your house, but she has brushed her hairs and changed her clothes.

-Yeah, especially at this time of the day. It's quite and peaceful-.

She is silent and you bite your lip, a million of question running trough your mind but you don't know where to start (or if you can start). So you stay silent and let her make all the decisions.

After some minutes that seem to stretch out to infinity you can't tolerate the silence (too many thoughts and too many pain, but shht... Meredith doesn't have to know).

-Does anyone know you're here? -

-They know I went away-

-They will be worried-.

She nods but stay still, eyes looking at the horizon or maybe trought it, at the past where she was happy and complete.

-I can't... They want me to return... I can't talk... I.... -. Her voice breaks at every word and you take on of her hands and shake your head.

-You don't have to do anything. Tell me who I have to call-.

-Alex-.

You are surprised. You were expecting Yang's name because she is Meredith person, the one who was always at her side no matter how big a problem could be. In your mind they were always together, like a package deal, Grey and Yang(and Stevens and O'Malley and Karev. But one has gone away and the other has been run over by a bus saving a stranger and only Karev remains of the five interns you have tought so many years ago), but you don't ask and borrow her phone. You only have Callie and Richard and Miranda's number and the time you have called can be counted on your hands.

The sun is still rising and you watch it, fascinated while at the other end of the country, in rainy and gloomy Seattle, a phone is ringing.

-Mere? -. There is so much hope in such little word and you feel a little bad at crushing it whit on single sentence.

-No. I'm not Meredith-

-Addison?-. You are surprised because you didn't expect him to recognize you, not after so many years you don't see each other, but he has always have the pleasent ability to surprise you so...

-The one and only-. Meredith, who has been at your side until some seconds ago, has disappeared inside and it's exactly what you expected.

-Is Meredith whit you? -. Straight to the point, so maybe those interns haven't changed completely since you met them, when your life was a mess and there was a triangle or square or.. How many peoe were caught up in the end of your marriage, exactly?

-She arrived this night whit the children and I don't think she will return anytime soon-

-Thank you- he exhales, making you understand how much he has been worried at not finding his friend and her kids.

-Karev... -

-Yeah? - he asks tired. Does he spent his night tossing and turning in bed, too?

-Can you... Would you...? -. You takes a deep breath and try again. - Will you keep an I on Amelia? While I'm taking care of Meredith, will you...? -

-Consider it done-he interrupts you and you feel a little better because your sister is in good hands, because no one know how to take care of frail things better than Alex Karev and you are sure this, at least, hasn't changed.

-Thank you-

-Addison... Are you okay? -

-Yes, why wouldn't I be? -

-You're crying-he replies matter of factly and you touch you cheek and yeah, he's right:you're crying. And now that you started you don't want to stop.

-It's okay, I'm okay. Are you? Okay? -

-Yes. Now that I know Meredith is safe, I'm okay-, which you understand isn't a complete lie but neither the complete truth.

You stay here, tears cascading down your face, the sun making your hairs shine, the phone clutched in one hand while whit the other you try to stop your sobbs, when you hear some movements upstair.

The children are awake and the day has only begun.