Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

Chapter 7

You're relationship with Meredith doesn't changed and this is the most amazing thing. Except that she gives you a kiss, on the forehead, before going to bed (how could you return to sleep alone when she won't be here anymore?) and you do the same. But this is nothing. This is just two friends sharing affection. It's no big deal. Except it is because Alex's (and Mark's) words torment you, creating a future of light and color in which the six of you live together happily ever after. (You're playing with fire and you will burn and you hope that knowing it will make it hurt a little less).

Only two months to go, even less you think but don't say because you don't want to scare her. The baby is healthy but Meredith has history of difficult pregnancies and you are convinced she won't carry full term.

You decide is useless worrying so much and decide to live your dream until it last, to live it in full because life is too short (look at Derek or George or the babies you didn't saved).

-I'm fat-

-You're pregnant-

-And fat. And my feet hurt. And my back hurts. And the kids want to play and I'm too tired-.

-You lay down. I play with the children-

-Thanks-.

The kids are sitting around one of Zola's doll.

-What are you doing? -

-Operating- Henry shouts excited and you chuckle because there is no denying they are surgeones'children. Great surgeons.

-Can I help? -

-No-

-And why not? - you ask surprised. Usually they're happy when you or Meredith join them.

-Because you makes baby born and our patient doesn't have a baby. She has a brain bleeding-.

Zola is Derek child. There is no denying this.

-Okay. But call me if you need anything- you say joining Meredith in your room.

-Weren't you with the kids? -

-Apparently I'm useless when it come to a brain bleeding. I help moms having babies. I think when she said so there was a note

of disdain in your daughter's voice-.

Meredith laughs before laying her head on your shoulder and you, instinctively, run a hand trought her hair, lulling her to sleep.

You inhale her perfume, finding yourself addicted to the fragrance. Lavander. It suits her.

-Addison- she whispers sleepy

-Yeah? -

-I love you-.

I love you as a friend and there is no need for you're heart beating so fast or for the idiotic blush spreading on your face, making you red as your hair.

You expect her to notice or comment but she doesn't. She's asleep, lulled by your caresses and you are tempted to do the same, to indulge in the pleasure your dreams always provide. You don't. Because the kids may need you. Because you are too attached. Because you played with fire and you're already burnt.

~~~~~~

-Ellis- she says the next morning, when you're watching the dawn while the kids are still sleeping.

-Ellis Alexandra Grey Shepherd-

-Is a beautiful name- you smile and she takes your hand in hers squeezing it.

-You'll have your daughter, Addie. Maybe not now but someday I know you'll have your Ella-. Then she return to her daughter's name.

-This journey, away from Seattle, it helped me to understand my mother better, to fully accept maybe that I am who I am also because of some of her choices. I made peace whit her, with that part of my past-.

You nod. You haven't done that with Bizzy, not completely, because you're doing like her, living a good life but not one that make you feel whole and you know without Meredith this will be impossible.

-Addie? -

-I'm okay-.

She's beautiful and radiant and perfect but most of all she's really at peace, with her mother, with Derek, with herself.

-You're extraordinary- you whisper (tempted to reveal everything, right here, embraced by the firsts sun rays, while you're the only two in the world).

-Mommy! I'm hungry! -.

The bubble shatters and you return to reality.