Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

Chapter 5

Time flies. Henry never asked you again for another child and Zola and Bailey constantly bicker over the baby, explaining to you and Meredith the pros and cons of having a boy or a girl. Things are better, there are less tears and more smiles and you hope selfishly (you've always been selfish, hoping for everything and finding yourself whit nothing) that this doesn't end.

The baby starts moving, a very active little thing, especially at night when Meredith wants to sleep (you're sharing the bed still because is comfortable and you feel a little less lonely and neither of you can find a reason why you shouldn't) and so you're awake, too, thanks to Meredith constantly movements.

And then, finally comes, the day the kids have been waiting for since they discover the pregnancy.

-So, a boy or a girl? - Meredith asks impatiently.

-It seems little Zola will be very happy when her mommy will return home-

-A girl? - she asks and she smiles a little sad. You squeeze her hand because you know what she is thinking, what she is dreading and hoping for at the same time. (A child whit Derek's hair and Derek's smile and Derek's eyes. A little Amy, a little troublemaker, sweet and lovable and beautiful like her aunt).

You're going to say all of this things when she squeeze your hand back and smiles the most happy smile you've ever seen on her face. It's beautiful. She's beautiful.

-I want to call Alex-she whispers fearful but you simply pass her a phone and waited for someone to answer at the other end of the country.

-Alex-

-Meredith-, there are tears and doubts in her eyes. You caress her hands and the smile returns a little less bright.

-I'm pregnant- she says, even if he already knows. - A girl-

-Mere, is beautiful-.

They keep speaking for some more minutes and not even once he mentions her return or the people waiting for her. Your grateful (selfish).

-Addison- she calls you when you're returning home. - I'm happy- she's confessing this like she's confessing a terrible crime.

You take her hand (you're amazed at how she doesn't reject so much physical contact. You know she isn't its biggest fan) and make her look at you.

-I know you are happy and this is a beautiful thing. It means your life didn't end whit Derek's dead. And he would be so glad to know this-

-Thank you-

-For what? -

-For everything. For being here. For not leaving me alone-.

~~~~~~

-Guess who will have a little sister? -

-Yes! -

-No! -.

Meredith chuckles at their antics.

-Be good, Bailey. I'm sure you're going to be a great brother even if she's a girl and I'm sure she will play whit you like you play whit Zola-.

He doesn't seems convinced but nods anyway while Zola is smiling brightly.

-I'm sure she will love you, Bailey-

-Yeah, I love you-

-Thanks Zozo-.

You smile, ruffling his hair while he's running upstairs and Meredith shakes her head amused.

-Do you have any idea? For the name? -

-Lexie. I want my sister's name but I'm not sure if as first or second-

-There's still time. When you'll have her in your arms you will know which is better-

-And you? If you ever had a daughter what would've been her name? -.

Ella. Again. Coming to torment you. A ghost that's not even a ghost because she simply is never been in the first place.

-Addison? -

You told Alex. You told Naomi. Meredith told you about the miscarriage.

-I was pregnant whit Mark baby. I aborted her because I couldn't bring a child into the mess that were our lives. Ella. I would have like to call her Ella-

-It's a beautiful name and she would have been a beautiful child. But you did the right thing. Trust me, having a child when you aren't completely sure is never the answer. I know what I'm talking about-.

You believe her because for the few times you met her Ellis Grey was anything but maternal.

-Do you miss her? You're sister-.

Such a stupid and painful question but you need to change topic of conversation (selfish).

-Of course I miss her and if someone told me that the first time we met I would have laughed. I hated her then because she had a loving family, because whit her Thatcher was a father, because I was Jealous and envious and angry and it was easy to believe I hated her. I know it's childish and I regret it, all the time we wasted because of me. But I love her and she loved me and when she was dying she told Mark to tell me I was a great sister, even if I know it's not true, not really-. She takes a shaking breath, her eyes are shining but she isn't crying. - I wasn't there when my sister died. I was looking for Derek. And when I returned she was no more. Her body was eaten by wolf. She didn't get a proper burial. And when Derek died there was only me, telling him it was okay to go, that we would have been alright-. Another breath. - And Amelia hates me. When I look at her she is full of anger... Because I didn't call her when her own brother was dying. Because I know what it means to not be whit them in their last moments and she has a right to be angry... But I couldn't breath. In that moment, I couldn't think of anything else but that my world was ending... -

-Meredith, listen. Amy is angry and is hurt but she doesn't hate you. I know Amelia, she is practically my little sister, and yes, you're right, she did have a right to be whit Derek. But that is the past and you have to think about the future. And when you'll return home you'll speak whit Amelia, you will listen and you will speak and you will cry and then you will go on whit your life, together, like sisters-

-Okay. You're right. But now, I think we should do something funnier than cry about past and lost chances. Call the kids, we're going for a swim-.

You laugh agreeing whit her. Past is past and you can't change that, you can live the moment and wonder about the future.

(Plaese, please don't let this day end, you pray, watching Zola splashing Bailey and Henry and Meredith, hands resting on her baby bump, standing on the shore.

You seem a family, cocooned in your little bubble of happiness.

-Addison, come here- you take her outstretched hand and join the kids).