You are mine

chapter 50

Desperately trying to grasp at the void. Wanting it to devour me. Until I could nothing inside too. Akin to the outside.

So I looked around for my earbuds. Picking them up from the top shelf, I patted my pocket for cellphone that still miraculously sat there. I extracted it out and sat back in my previous spot before fireplace.

The fire tossed around promising livelihood. Thumping.

I plugged the hook into the hole and stuffed earpods in my ears. Closing my eyes into oblivion, i let my forehead rest against my forearms, that sat on my raised knees.

I played what I was best at playing lately. The Quran.

But this time not the translation. But the arabic version itself.

The recitation started slowly. The voice a sharp contrast to my dull reality. Rising with each breath. Mixing with the growing sensations in my chest until it dominated my senses.

My breaths no longer audible. I couldn't sense the room around me. My body completely giving up to this strange sensation. As if longing for it. Awaiting it and finally able to have claimed it.

It accepted this sensation like a lost lost friend. Creating a new tune of harmony within me. Rhythm after rhythm hitting the dormant chords inside of me. Slowly building up the tension.

I relaxed my body. Almost involuntarily.  Shifting my entire focus to one fine voice of reciter. Reciting the words completely foreign to me. Still this familiar pull lured me into its trance. And I was getting pulled and pulled. Falling deeper and deeper.

Then the tone changed. First emotional chord struck against my chest. Deep within. Perhaps within the heart itself. Yet this concept was foreign to me.

Another emotional chord. Stronger than the previous one. More demanding. Almost magnetically pulling. Pouring its potion all over me. I bathed in its warmth. Its heat. Its pressure. Its urgency.

I felt like someone was calling out to me. Impatiently. Still a welcoming warmth embedded inside it. Hidden. Almost invisible. You had to focus hard to be able to detect it.

It's there. Almost reachable. I didn't wanna move. Didn't wanna breathe. Afraid to lose it somehow within a blink. As if it was my ticket back home. A familiar sent of place so familiar yet so far away from me.

A remedy tomy heart.

A chain of broken chords.

I recognized it. But somehow it was all vague. Like a mist covering the eyes. I wanted claw this fog out of the way. Claw it out of my eyes to be able to better see it.

My agiatatiok started growing. My desparation rising. My heart lurching out. Hand reaching out to an invisible hand. But I couldn't see anything.

That was the problem!

What was this blindness? This darkness over my eyes. I couldn't see anything!

I felt crying. Like a lost kid. Terrified of this blindness. Who had lost it's way back home. Who was thrashing in the unknown waves of merciless ocean. Trying to grasp at the empty wind.

Eyeballing in this lonesome.

Unable to scream. Water started gushing it's way inside my mouth  down my throat. Filling my lungs. And I was losing consciousness. Losing control over the reality. Desperately trying to grasp it. But failing.

I was drowning.

And then again I was falling deeper and deeper.

No!