Hetalia Angst

Secret Words

⚠️Trigger Warnings: suicide, privacy breach, loneliness, suicidal thoughts⚠️
Characters: Ludwig Beilschmidt (Germany), Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia)
Word Count: 1301 words

White pages vastly contrasted the dark tones of the desk. The book had been left open, slanted writing scrawled across the lines. Blue eyes glanced over to it yet again as it caught his eye while cleaning. One look wouldn't hurt, would it? Besides, his brother told him everything so what was there to hide? He decided to start back a few pages to see what the albino had been writing.

Dear diary,
Today was pretty good! I got to go drinking with West. It feels like it's been forever since we've gotten to do that. He's always working. Does he still care about me? I like to think he's just busy. Maybe I can get him to take a break the week of his birthday so I can treat him. I hope he lets me. It gets lonely. I think that's about it for today. I'll see you tomorrow.

~Gilbert Beilschmidt

Ludwig paused for a moment. Getting drinks really meant that much to him? He sighed a bit, feeling his heart constrict at the thought that Gilbert thought he might have stopped loving him. How could he stop loving his older brother? Gilbert practically raised him. He shook his head a bit, deciding to read the next passage.

Dear diary,
West is ignoring me again. I tried getting him to take a break from his work so we could hang out but he snapped at me and called me clingy. I'm not clingy, am I? Does everyone think this? Maybe this is why they always push me away. I guess all I do is annoy people. Would they like me better if I was quieter? Would they even miss me when I finally die? I really hope they will. I feel so alone right now.

~Gilbert Beilschmidt

Ludwig paused again. Why hadn't Gilbert told him what was going on? He would have listened if he knew his brother was hurting. He made a mental note to spend more time with his brother. Maybe he could help him out. For now he decided to flip the page. He noticed that this one was smudged as though the page had gotten wet. He realized Gilbert must've been crying while writing this. 

Dear diary,
It hurts so much today. It feels like my entire body is on fire but worse. It always hurts now, ever since German Unity, but today hurts so much worse. I don't know what's going on but I'm scared. Does this mean I'm dying? I don't want to die. I'm so scared. I don't want to die yet. West still needs me, doesn't he? Are people forgetting me? Why does it hurt so much? Can't someone make it stop?

~Gilbert B

Ludwig gently ran his fingers over the rough paper that the tears had hit. He could feel wetness in his own eyes at the thought of being without Gilbert. Was he really dying? It hurt, but he wanted to know what else was going on. Besides, there were only 2 entries left.

Dear diary,
Everything still hurts a lot. I didn't want to get out of bed but West accused me of being lazy. Haven't I done enough in my centuries of living to earn some rest? I trained the best army in history. I was one reason America won the Revolutionary War. Everyone always talks about how France helped but I was the one who trained his troops. He wouldn't have had an army to fight with without me. Why can't people see that I'm worth remembering? I can feel them forgetting me and it hurts. Everything hurts so much now and I'm starting to think it would be better if I died. At least I wouldn't be in the way then.

~Gilbert

The tears finally began to slip down his cheeks. It hurt too much to think that his dear older brother wanted to die. He had always thought of his brother as a strong, independent nation who was strong enough to keep a smile on his lips no matter what happened. He couldn’t remember a time when Gilbert had truly shown his sadness. There might have been a flicker of sadness in those powerful crimson eyes but the only time he’d seen tears run tracks down those pale cheeks was when the wall fell. He wiped the tears away, allowing him to see the pages clearly again. Blue eyes flicked to the last page. Yesterday’s entry.

Dear Diary,
I can’t die. I tried today. I’m not a nation anymore but I still can’t die. What sick game is life trying to play with me? I can’t take this anymore! It hurts too much every day and I just want to die. No one cares about me. Whenever I try to tell them I need help or that I’m really lonely, they always push me away. Why doesn’t anyone care about me? I’m planning on trying to kill myself again tomorrow. Maybe if I do it enough I’ll be able to stay dead. Maybe if someone finds this, they’ll start to care. I hope they do. I can’t take being so alone. I don’t want to do this anymore.

There was no signature at the bottom of that page. Ludwig concluded Gilbert didn't care enough to add one. He quickly stood up from the chair to look for Gilbert. He had said he was going to try again today. Ludwig just hoped he got there in time to stop him. “Gilbert!” He called out, managing to keep his voice less than frantic. “Gilbert, I need you to come here! Please, I need you!”

He ran into his brother in the hallway and immediately wrapped his arms around him. “Hey, Luddy, slow down. What’s wrong?” Gilbert asked, wrapping his arms around the blonde. “Deep breaths, ok? Just try to calm down. Everything is going to be ok.”

The German shook his head. “No, no it’s not because you’re trying to kill yourself but I still need you. I can’t live without you. Please, please, don’t try to leave me.” He begged, burying his face in his brother’s shoulder like he did when he was a distraught child. He definitely felt like one. He didn’t dwell too much on that, though, not after what he read. “I love you. Gott, I love you so much, please don’t leave me…”

Gilbert was shocked. His grip tightened slightly as he cried into Ludwig’s shoulder. So, he’d read the diary. He closed his eyes tightly, allowing himself to fall apart in his little brother’s arms. It felt good to be able to cry to someone who would listen. Even so, he felt guilty. He hurt his brother. “I’m sorry…” He said quietly. “I’m so, so sorry. I-I don’t want to die. I’m so scared and it all just hurts so much and I don’t want to put up with it. I’m scared because I feel so alone.. I don’t want to be alone right now…”

Ludwig placed a light kiss to the Prussian’s head. “It’s ok. You’re strong. I know you are. Just be strong for me a little longer, ok? I can’t lose you yet. I still need you.”

Gilbert closed his eyes. He wanted so badly to give up. He longed to just slip away but instead he did what he’d done nearly all his life. He held strong, forcing himself to be his brother’s foundation. He’d gone through so much pain already but he knew, if his brother still needed him, he’d push through just a little longer. One day at a time, he’d be there for his brother. And maybe, now that Ludwig knew what was going on, Gilbert would be able to share his pain like he yearned to. Maybe everything would be ok after all.