The Aftermath (Hotchniss)

thirteen

Aaron PoV
It had been about a month since Emily told me about the baby. I didn't know what to do, I tried talking to her but she wouldn't talk about it, she wouldn't talk about anything. I just stood by and watched as she went into a deep depression. She couldn't do anything. Lately it's just been me and the boys, I've been taking them to school, and to soccer, with the occasional help of Jess. She would try and talk to Emily sometimes, but got very little out of her. Emily was broken, and I couldn't put her pieces back together, I couldn't help her. She stopped coming to work, I just put her on maternity leave, I know that's bad considering the situation, but it's the longest vacation and I dont know when she was going to come back.
As I watched her break, I put up more and more walls to prevent that from happening to me, we have two sons and one of us needs to be there for them. I know that Emily can't handle anything right now,, its too hard for her. Every night I catch her not sleeping and looking at the sonogram from the month before she lost our daughter. She has tear stained cheeks and she holds her stomach. Emily blames herself for it and I can't bare to see her self-destruct. The only times that things feel normal is when Emily does sleep, in her sleep she usually cuddles up to me and it feels like everything is going to be okay.
I don't know how to help, how to make her feel better and If I did I don't even think Emily wants my help. I don't think she loves anymore, not just me but anyone. I decided that if she wanted it, if she felt that she needed it, we could separate. I know it may not be ideal, but I'm so in love with her that I will just so she can get better. I had printed out some articles about separation and stuck them in a folder when JJ walked into my office. She saw the folder and opened it, I assumed she thought it was a case file.
"Separation? Hotch, please explain" She demanded softly as she sat in a chair across from my desk.
"I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to do, JJ she won't talk to me, she won't talk to anyone. She doesn't leave our bedroom, she doesn't talk to the kids. They don't understand and I don't understand, it's like she doesn't love them or me anymore and I can't help" I explained and held back the small amount of tears that I could feel. I don't cry, I don't show a lot of emotion but when it comes to Emily I can't help it.
"Hotch, I know that it's hard right now, but how would you feel if there was one thing you were meant to do, protect your child, and you couldn't, it was ripped from you. It's not that Emily doesn't love you or the boys, it's that she doesn't love herself." JJ explained
"What do I do?" I asked
"I think you need to get her help" JJ replied and as if on cue Emily walked through my office door with file in her hand. It was her first time out of the house in a month, she had on a pantsuit and her hair was straight. She looked like she hadn't gotten much sleep but there was a concealer trying to cover it, I still could tell.
"Em, what are you doing here?" I asked worriedly then JJ squeezed Emily's shoulder and walked out before Emily set the file on my desk.
"I uh, here" She said and I opened it to see a letter of resignation.
"What the hell is this?" I asked
"I'm going home," She said softly and headed for the door but I left from behind my desk and stopped her.
"Please just talk to me" I begged
"Like I said, I'm going home." She said more sternly.
"JUst one conversation, we haven't spoken a word to each other in a month" I begged once more.
"I can't talk because allI can think about is our baby, and how I was supposed to protect her. Aaron I couldn't even hold her in my arms and say that everything was going to be okay. I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to feel that hurt and that pain because I am dying inside not knowing if our child was in pain, was she okay, or was she in the one place where she was supposed to be safe and protected or was she in pain. I don't know and I don't know what to do because it's like a piece of me is missing, I can't do this, I can't look at our kids everyday and be happy,I can't look at you and be happy, because I'm not happy! I'm not okay and I just want to be okay!" Emily yelled as she broke into tears. I hugged her and we shortly fell to the ground where she cried into my chest.
"I want to be okay." She cried
"I know you do, I know" I whispered and kissed her head.