I will fill your Days with Life

11. Put everything aside and say what you feel

I knew all the words I had just said were from anger and helplessness. The pain I had felt earlier when I thought I had lost her was stronger than any other feeling and did not allow me to react differently.

"I don't want to fucking lose her!" I screamed at the freezing cold that had invaded the streets around the hospital. "Is that so hard to understand?"

"She is not responsible for those things," replied a familiar voice.

I quickly turned around, meeting the famous Dr. Garcia, who was expelling the smoke from the cigarette she had between her fingers.

"So, who is responsible?"

"I ask myself that every time I see a patient die in the operating room and I still have not received an answer. So, if you find out... I would appreciate if you'd let me know."

"I don't think it's the same to see a patient die as..." I lowered my eyes doubtfully, "someone who is important to you."

"No... it's not the same. But I want to tell you Juliana, nobody is responsible for these things and you cannot carry a weight on your shoulders that does not belong to you."

"What are we supposed to be then? Puppets? Simple puppets at the mercy of fate, who one day decides to give you the greatest happiness you've ever known and the next day takes it away from you?"

"You can see it like that... or you can simply be grateful for being lucky enough to feel that happiness."

"I don't care about my happiness!" I screamed feeling my eyes water again. "Is no one able to understand that? It's not fair! It's not fair that something like this is happening to a someone like her. You don't know her... but that girl, she may have a terminal illness, but she is the most life loving person in this world... Why is she giving up now? Why can't I do anything?"

"She's not giving up Juliana... She made a respectable decision. As a doctor, I would love for her to want to be treated and extend her life. But she wants to live this way and you have to accept it."

I could not prevent an ironic smile from escaping me. "I don't think there is anyone in this world who admires and respects Valentina more than I do... In just a few days she has given my life a one hundred and eighty degree turn. Everything I had, everything I was, means absolutely nothing after meeting her, after everything I have experienced with her. But she cannot ask me to accept this, she cannot ask me to resign myself to lose her, not now that..."

"No one is asking you for anything Juliana. You are the one who must weigh up your options and decide what means more... your love for her... or your fear of suffering. You will suffer, that is obvious, but can you live the rest of your life knowing you did not stay with the woman you love because you were afraid of pain? Because you already feel the pain... and you will continue to feel it, but if you leave... you will carry it with you for the rest of your life. You should take advantage of this time with her, or you may regret it."

I remained silent for a few seconds, looking straight ahead while trying to protect my hands from the cold and considering the doctor's words, but I could still feel the anger and helplessness that had taken over me.

"How did you know that...?"

"What? That you are in love with her?" She interrupted. "Fear is vulnerability and vulnerability is love, if you weren't deeply in love, you wouldn't be so afraid of losing her. Only you know what weighs more, fear? Or love? If you will allow me to give you some advice... I think you are very lucky to have found a person who loves you as much as you love her. There are human beings who live for many years and never find it. Maybe you should assess that before it's too late!"