2.0 The Chronicles of Us - Shame & Blame

Chapter seven

A bad friend is what I've been. I kept my distance on purpose because every interaction feels like a chore. Especially with the ones closest to me. The innocent girl I once was is gone, but who replaced her?

I pick at the strings of my sweatpants. "I don't really know who I am anymore."

She sits down opposite of me and gives my knee a comforting pat. "I get it. You're going through a rough time."

That's an understatement, but she doesn't look entirely peachy-keen as well. Her usually shiny locks are a bit dull and her eyelids lack a trademark black line. It seems I've been selfish once again. Apparently, it's a hard habit to break. Sincerely, I ask, "How are you and Frank doing?"

"We don't have to talk about that."

My fingers link with hers. "Don't be silly, I want to hear all about it."

She looks away for a moment, chewing her lip. "It's been tough. I told him I'm not getting serious with someone who's mixed up with drugs and God knows what." Her eyes dart from mine, like she's afraid I feel judged by her words.  "Anyway, he's trying to find a solid job but with his record, he's seeing a lot of closed doors. The distance doesn't really help either. Sanity tells me to end things between us before I get in too deep, but I'm afraid it's too late for that. I might be crazy in love."

I smile, genuinely. I've never seen my dear friend so smitten before. "I'm sure you two will find a way to be together. Love conquers all, right?"

Her worrying eyes hold mine. "Do you still love Tex?"

The question electrifies my heart. It's almost like that feeling you get when you fall in a dream. A hypnic jerk, I think it's called. I could never lie about my feelings for him. "Yes, always."

She nudges me with her elbow. "Then why are you moping in Faroaks when you could be banging in L.A?"

Because I'm not worthy of him.

"Like I said before, it just wasn't ... meant to be."

The utter baloney causes her to grimace. "I still think you should talk to him. I'm going to L.A. this weekend. Why don't you come with me? Frank and I can take you to him. This doesn't have to be the end."

That Christmas fantasy warmed my heart, but it was just a fantasy. Due to my stupidity, he died. Modern day medicine is the only reason he's still breathing. The admission of guilt is so heavy, I can't bear to speak it out loud. Instead I ask, "Have you heard from him?"

She shakes her head. "No, I only talk to Frank and he hasn't either. That little group has fallen apart. Frank tries to keep better company nowadays. I'm doing my best to convince him to make amends with Tex. He feels pretty ashamed of his part in how everything went down."

This surprises me. "Frank didn't do anything."

"Well, he did leave you on your own when that cop chased you all. For the record, I slapped him across the head when he confessed what happened that night."

I press the palms of my hands together. "Please, tell him I hold no grudge. The consequences would've been a lot harder for him if he got arrested. He made the right decision."

"Maybe. I guess, it was a fucked-up situation." A crease appears on her forehead and then a sigh follows. "Let's talk about something else. You haven't answered my question. Should I book you a ticket?"

Yes!

"No, I can't." Desperately, I search for a believable reason to decline. One that doesn't involve the weight of my heart. "I mean, I have photography class."