When the morning comes

32 | when home becomes a different house

"I see. Take care, sweetheart. Yes, I'm still with him.. I'll tell him." When he ended the call, his expression told it all. "He's not at Daniels'.."

A moan left my mouth, my body became limp, tears starting to prick behind my eyes. "Please, Teddy. Do something. Pray for a miracle." I cried out, clinging to him for comfort. "Please, I will die if something happens to him."

"Daniel and his eldest are searching, Amanda called the police a long time ago. We're with a lot of people, Zev. It will be alright." His words didn't calm me, rather sent my thoughts to the moment after Aurora had died.

Benjamin had acted differently the moment she was gone, and I knew I should have had searched for help any sooner. Even when he didn't want it, he was only a child, how could he know what he needed at that moment? He had needed his parents, his father in this situation to guide him through his grief and processing of everything that had happened. He had needed someone older and wiser to help him to give everything a place in his heart.

And what had I done? Thought of my own emotions and feelings, letting him slip out of my hands because my grief had taken over me completely. While a week back I had still been searching for the rope when he had been hanging on the edge of the cliff, he had now fallen down. On the hard rocks. Alone.

And it was my fault.

The pain was so heavy that it started to suffocate me. And for the first time in a very long while, I turned to God, a specific psalm appearing in my heart. Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck. Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can't find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.

"I'm so sorry, for everything I have done to my wife and to my own child."

"Zev." Teddy lifted up my chin, only then I realised I had lowered down, my knees resting on the floor. "Zevediah. You were forgiven the moment it had happened. You have read Aurora's letters, haven't you? Don't you remember what was written in the last one?"

"Please, let me go. I need to find my son. Only then I can.." My breathing was erratic, my heart beating uneven. "It's my own fault, I need him to forgive me for letting him slip away like that."

"Zev. Do you want to talk to someone?"

Salomé.

I reached for my phone, typed in her number and waited. I wasn't aware of the time anymore. Wasn't aware of the day. Of anything going on around me. I craved for the softness of her voice, for the soothing calmness she spread out every time I talked to her.

"Zev? Everything alright?" It hadn't taken her long to pick up, which made me wonder why she was awake.

"No." I didn't bother holding back my crying. "I need you here, can you come over? Actually, can I come over? There's something urgent going on. My son is missing."

"What?" Salomé sounded worried. "Okay, wait. Are you able to come over without getting any accidents? The children are sleeping over, but I'm sure Amanda can-"

"I'm coming your way." I hung up, looked at Teddy and Poppy. "I'm going to Salomé, she's willing to help me. Can you look somewhere else? I have a list of his classmates and their addresses in the drawer over there." Her voice had made my mind cleared up just a tiny bit. I longed to see her.

"Zev, are you in the right state to-"

"I need to do this alone, alright. Please, it's not so far away. I'll be okay. I'll send my location so you can follow me."