Schemes

Letter to Sirius

' Dear Sirius,

Courtyard; place where we crashed, shared a first kiss and found each other. But we found each other broken and lost, bad timing and toxic surroundings.

Every choice I made before us, ruined us. And for such a long time I blamed myself for something that wasn't even my fault. The reason for our breakup wasn't my choices before us. Me sleeping with James before we happened wasn't the problem for everything to turn out as badly as it did.

I loved you. Once.

I cared for you. Since always.

But we were never meant to be.

I wish you everything you dreamt to have, everything you told me about your future and everything I never gave you.

Love, (y/n). '

"And everything I never gave you." he let out a soft, fake chuckle, crumbling the paper in his hand and throwing it on the ground.

You stood frozen in the same place as you did when he came and started to read you the letter. The fabric of your jacket felt as if you have first laid your fingers on it. You were numb, your fingertips were numb, your legs felt as if somebody cut them at the knees. The heart felt as if it was growing bigger and suffocating you. Your throat was sore and you knew if you wanted to talk, no sound would come out.

"Look at me." he spoke softly, standing on his two feet and staring at your back. "Look at me, (y/n)."

But with all your might you put in moving your feet, you were still standing firmly on the ground, determined to stay the way you were.

But with the silence that was just so painful for you to listen to, you turned your head first but truly looked at him when your body was facing him. His expression was unreadable. The stare of his heavenly grey eyes, the glower of his plush lips. As much as you knew his every feature, this one was the most foreign.

"Why didn't you come?" he asked, his voice shaking despite the strength he put not to show his desperation. But you were quiet, still holding the jacket and avoiding his eyes. "Why didn't you come?!" he started to shout. "You came to James and Remus! Why not me!?" the tears shimmered in his eyes and that caused your own heartache just as much as his.

"I couldn't." you mumbled, letting tears fall down your cheeks and turning your head away from him.

"You couldn't?" he scoffed, not believing you. "You were the best I ever had, (y/n)." he said and that only impaired your heart that it bled. "I never told you but the moment I saw that ring on you, your pale and cold finger- I broke. I was half whole."

You forced yourself to look at him, lifting your head and looking at him bravely through the tears.

And he knew. He knew because he loved you.

"You love him." he said faintly, under his breath. This time, for the first time, he turned his head away from you, fat tears falling down his cheeks. "It's always been him, wasn't it?"

"That's why I couldn't." you let out a sob. "I couldn't look at you in the eyes and tell you the truth."

"If I was before them- If I was the first you met- before Remus and James- wou-would it still be him?"

"I don't know, Sirius." you gave him an honest answer and he took a deep breath in, placing his both hands behind his head with his elbows pointing out.

"You know..." he forced himself to smile. "Since the beginning, I knew. Deep down I knew but I didn't want to believe it. I was so in love with you that until now I kept it buried and with your eyes- damn your stunning, gorgeous eyes that I missed so much- you dug it out... opening old wounds."