Cherchant (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Fourteen

Sleep.

The word is more of a command than a suggestion. Utterly exhausted, you accept. Kylo would make sure you were safe. Everything else could wait until morning. Tears leak from the corners of your eyes as you drift off to sleep.

— — —

Loud screaming jolts you awake and you wonder where it is coming from until you realize that the sound is clawing its way out from your chest.

A nightmare.

Gulping air and quieting yourself it dawns on you that the nightmare stems from reality. You turn to where you hope Kylo is next to you, trembling uncontrollably. He's there, sitting up and watching you with concern.

"Kylo, I..."

"Shh," he says. "It was an accident. Here, drink this water. Try to go back to sleep."

You take the water and drink it down in frenzied gulps.

Once the glass is empty you look up into his eyes and say, "I killed him. I fucking killed him, Kylo. What that fuck am I going to do?"

"Nothing right now," he answers, lightly rubbing your back. "It was an accident, self defense. He signed up for that risk when he became a bounty hunter. You aren't responsible for him drawing a weapon... you aren't responsible for reacting."

"But I... I'm not sure that I didn't want to kill him. I was watching him shoot at you and in that moment I wished him dead. I didn't train for this, Kylo. I trained because I wanted to learn, because it was fascinating and it allowed me to be close to you. I didn't..."

A sob interrupts your words.

"I never imagined that I would actually hurt anyone. I'm such a fool."

Kylo pulls you to his chest in a soft but firm embrace. Presumably unable to argue with facts, he doesn't have a response. You collapse against him. A wave of guilt passes over you as you recall the things he'd told you about his past. Your remorse over the death of Gargot would never stack up to all that Kylo faced. Even so, you feel a little closer to him in this moment, bathed in moonlight in this empty place, his pain is less abstract. You have your own to carry now.

As disgusted as you are, you feel a nagging murmur in your soul. A release. Killing may have enabled you to cross the forsaken barrier that towered between you. If so, was this an inevitable manifestation of your desire to be even closer to him? Did your training inadvertently lead you here? Had you even had a choice? If it's true that you could...and now you know that you would...kill for him, was his power over you not absolute?

Not for the first time, you think you understand that to be with Kylo Ren was to exist in a grey area between light and dark, good and evil. You have no energy left to explore these thoughts further as you lay back, feeling Kylo pull the blanket up around your shoulders and softly kissing your temple.

— — —

Morning comes too fast. Fighting the urge to roll back over to avoid facing the day, you push yourself out of the bed to find the refresher. Kylo had been quietly lying next to you reading with his arm crossed behind his head. His eyes follow you across the room, observing. Not intruding but staying close.

Closing the door behind you and turning toward the sink, you shift backward, startled by your appearance. You hardly recognize yourself. As you applied make-up yesterday you had been full of excitement and hope, now the remnants of it was a crusted mess in smears and streaks. Your eyes burned, dry from the hours of crying. You wait for the water to heat up before splashing your face, lathering soap, and slowly washing away the evidence. Sliding the towel down your face you study yourself closer. You think you look much older, as old you suddenly feel.