I Never Planned You

Chapter 9- Stirred Feelings

My eyes sting so bad. My insides are still knotted up. I don't want to get up and I skipped dinner last night. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. I feel like I can't.
Is this what it's like?
They're there one day and then they're just gone?
When you reach for them, they just aren't there anymore..?
I'm so confused.
This wasn't in any plans I had.
Nicolas and I breaking up, was never part of the plan.
I've called Nicolas several times and not once, did he pick up.

It's killing me, and I feel like I'm even closer to death. Not only is my head killing me, but my heart is too.
I don't know what I did to get to this place.

Maybe that's just it though...

This all started when Nicolas got sick. It's not my fault, if he would have gotten me to school; I wouldn't be going through this any of this.

But I don't want to blame Nicolas.
It can't be my fault either, and there's only one other option.

James.

It's James Mitchell's fault.

I can't breathe because of him.

I can't sleep because of him.

I can't eat because of him.

I hate him, I really hate him.

As a matter of fact I just want to smack him.

Here I am, it's Sunday evening and Nicolas still hasn't spoken to me. We spoke Friday, I hear his words echoing in my head. I seriously just want to go to sleep, but I can't stay asleep.

Eventually, I just give up the fight and go wash my face. I look up to see myself, only the girl I see in the mirror isn't me. There are lines and spots that I didn't have been.
I don't think I've ever cried this way before.

None of my family has died, and I've never had a pet so; I've never lost anyone or anything.
I can say that who I am now, I don't know.
I don't know this depressed, broken down, confused girl is in the mirror. I've never seen her before and it's terrifying me.

Who am I?
What have I become?
All these mixed feelings, I'm everywhere?
The ground I'm standing on is shaking and unfamiliar. I've never had any unknown days, ever.

Once the thoughts slow, I head to my closet. I really need to change before I leave this house. I've been wearing this outfit since Friday.
I'm disgusting myself.

I need to shower, but I need to clear my head first.
Coffee?
I think yes.

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