Pretty Kind of Dirty Face {Matty Healy}

11 // Undo

{we're not doing it again, so leave it}

I walked down the sidewalk slowly, enjoying the melancholy rhythm of my feet hitting the cement. It was slow and torturous, fitting with my unpleasant mood. Matty had done exactly what I had only dreamed of him doing — he'd written me a song, confessed his love for me, even tried to stop me from leaving — and I had turned him down without a second thought. I didn't even bring a the CD with me. Although, without it maybe I would do less wallowing. With it I was positive I would simply sit in my room with the song on repeat, mesmerized that someone like Matty could love me and completely humiliated that I walked out on him.

"Eloise!" a voice yelled from behind me. Fuck. I thought I was farther away than I was. But apparently I was close enough for Matty to track me down. In the heat of the moment, I panicked. Matty's boots clicked on the sidewalk behind me, a light jog, and I took off. Once again thankful I wore comfortable shoes, I ran down the street, not sure where I was going in Matty's unfamiliar neighborhood.

It didn't take long for my legs to start to ache, for my lungs to scream for air, for my heart to attempt to leap out of my chest. I pulled into an alley between two houses to catch my breath, hoping Matty didn't see me. But I should've known better than to think he  would just run past my hiding spot like we were in some cartoon. This was the real world, and soon enough, Matty was standing in front of me, all too real for my taste. Both of us panting, he reached out a hand, as if to comfort me, but I stepped back with a shake of my head.

"Look Eloise," he said between heavy breaths, "I'm really sorry."

Again, I shook my head. "No, Matty. You aren't."

He sighed, pulling at his hair with both of his hands. "Will you just let me talk for two fucking seconds without telling me I'm wrong?"

"I don't—" I said before realizing I was doing exactly what he didn't want me to do. The least I could do was respect him at this point. No matter how exasperated I was, I could tell Matty was every bit as hurt and as angry as I was. And he had every right to be. I, on the other hand, had gotten exactly what I wanted. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted him to be falling for me.

But at this point, I just wanted to undo the entire evening. I wanted to go back to sitting alone in my room, reading the same book I'd already read a million times over. I wanted to miss Cecily's party. I even wanted to go back to the way things were before Matty stumbled drunkenly into my life. I wanted to undo everything. And if I was being honest, I wouldn't choose to relive it again. The highs I'd felt around Matty during the previous weeks were glorious — there was no denying that. But the way I felt in that alleyway, tears blurring my vision and my lungs panting for air, made me realize it was finally time to pay for the fun I'd had without consequences.

After minutes of silence save for our heavy breathing, Matty opened his mouth. "Look," he said softly, "I know that you don't believe me. But I'm in love with you. And nothing you say is going to make me stop. So you can keep pushing me away or you can let me in. We both know what you really want to do. And I know that all you've ever known is how to push me away. You have good reasons to, I'm sure, but I'm fucking sick of it."

"Matty," I started, but he interrupted me within seconds of the second syllable.

"No, let me talk. Back when you spent that night with me — did you completely forget that? I promised to show you the real me. And tonight there was nothing but the real me in that song. Not only did I pour my heart out into that song, but I let you hear it because I believed that you needed to. I showed you the real me, like I promised, but where the fuck is the real you?"

I didn't care if he meant his question to be rhetorical. "This is the real me, Matty!" I yelled back at him, knowing that he wouldn't shut up unless I spoke over him. The tears I'd been holding back spilled out with a simple blink of my eyes. "This is who I am. If you really knew me, none of this would have happened." It was true. I was falling apart in an alley in the middle of the night, letting my pent-up emotions out in a wave of sudden insanity. He didn't realize that this outburst wasn't just a freak accident. He didn't understand how much effort I'd attempted to put into not letting myself get hurt, only to end up sobbing in an alley, Matty watching me with furrowed brows.