Pretty Kind of Dirty Face {Matty Healy}

15 // Anobrain

{I was thinking about leaving again, it all depends, are we just friends?}

I woke up the next morning comfortably wrapped in Matty's arms. And I didn't ever want to leave.

I felt so safe lying there. Like there was nothing in the world that could harm me if Matty were there. I tilted my head back to better see his face and I studied every inch of it. He was still asleep, breathing his soft breaths onto me. His eyelids fluttered every once in a while but they never opened. I found myself wondering what he was dreaming about. Was it me? Was it the demons that haunted him that no one was allowed to see, the ones everyone knew were there from the way he drank but were never revealed to the world? I couldn't be sure, and I wasn't about to wake him.

I gently wiggled my arm out from next to me, reaching my hand up to stroke Matty's curly locks. I ran my fingers through his hair slowly, the exact opposite of how I raked my fingers through it earlier, back in his van. Instead of desperation, now the only thing I felt was contentment. The purest contentment filled me in the hotel bed, my fingers in Matty's hair and his arms around me, leaving me worried of it overflowing in the form of a giggle that would shake the bed and wake the sleeping beauty in front of me.

Nevertheless, I jinxed it and the deep brown eyes that I'd come to adore fluttered open. Matty smiled at me and leaned forward, stealing a quick peck on my lips. "Morning Eloise," he whispered. His voice was groggy with sleep, but so was my mind.

I smiled as a response, not sure what else to say. The moment was perfect, and I was positive that if I opened my mouth I would lose that perfection. I didn't want to go back to reality; I didn't want to have the chance of this disappearing.

Matty sat up, his cute morning smile fading away. "What time is it?" he asked, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"No clue," I responded, my voice coming out choppy from sleep.

He rolled out of bed, the sheets clinging to him as if they wanted him to stay as much as I did. I watched from where I laid in bed, still curled up among the pillows, as Matty dug through his things. Finally finding his phone, he pulled it out and stared at the blank black screen. "Fuck," he said under his breath. He glanced over at me. "It's dead. Do you have yours?"

With a roll of my eyes, I reached out of bed and reached into my bag, shocked to find my phone was not only still on but was still at 43% battery. "It's 12:35," I announced.

"How is your phone still on??" Matty asked, seeming genuinely shocked.

I laughed in response. "I don't know, I'm just generally better than you at, I don't know, everything?"

Matty raised his eyebrows and stepped closer to me, coming to kneel on the bed directly in front of me. "You think you're better than me at everything? Are you positive you want to say that to me?" he asked, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

"Yes," I murmured back.

And then, we were stuck; our faces just a breath away. I watched as Matty's eyes darted to my lips, then back up to meet my gaze. I knew exactly what he was thinking and didn't stop him. I let gravity do its job and pull us the rest of the way together. Our mouths met, and our hands weren't far behind. As opposed to the frantic feels from the night before, this was slow and careful. Matty's hands pushed through my hair slowly, as if I were something fragile, something he was terrified to break. And I loved every second of it -- his teeth tenderly tugging my lower lip, his body pushing me back onto the bed more, his hands holding me close like I was something precious.

But I had to stop it.

This wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I wasn't tired and drunk and not thinking straight. It was morning, I was coherent, and I wasn't about to make another uneducated decision. I adored Matty, I adored the way he made me feel. But there was no doubt about it -- I had no idea what we were doing. I had tried throwing caution to the wind and doing something I wasn't sure about, and it ended me up in a hotel room with Matty, still unsure what I was supposed to be feeling about him, where we were going in the future. The immediate future? The next two hours? I could figure that out, But anything past that was a mystery.

"Matty," I said, using my hands on his chest to push him back, "we need to talk."

The spark in his eyes instantly diminished. "About what?" He pressed a kiss to my jawbone, no doubt trying to distract me from discussing anything too serious in the moment. I let his lips trail down my neck, but I didn't let that distract me.

"What are we doing?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What are we? What do we call this?"

Matty stopped trying to distract me. He sat back, leaving a reasonable distance between us again. I didn't like the change in his demeanor that just happened, and happened so quickly. It was almost as if he was afraid of me. He stared down at his hands in his lap. "Do you want me to be honest?" he breathed.

A soft "yes" came out of my mouth before I even had time to consider my answer. My heart raced. Although I had spent all this time trying to do what was "right" for me and avoiding falling for Matty like he fell for me, I was too deep. I desperately wanted him to be honest, but if that meant breaking my heart, I wasn't sure I was up for it.

"I wanted to ask you the same thing," he whispered, bringing his eyes back up to mine. "The guys and I were asked about going away for a couple months, a tour of sorts with the band. And we haven't decided if we want to go or not. They . . . they left it up to me, but I'm letting you pick. It all depends: are we just friends?"

It was my turn to look down at my hands and not respond.

"Because," he continued after I didn't respond, "I can't figure you out. You hate me then you love me enough to fuck me. I would die to be with you, but if you don't love me back, I'm going to have to go."

"Matty," I managed to choke out.

"Eloise, stop," he interrupted. "Don't give me some long bullshit explanation I'm going to have to analyze. Just tell me, straight up, now. Do you love me?"

Did I? I had never given the matter enough thought -- instead, I just jumped into this because I liked the way Matty made me feel. I liked the arrogant jokes, I liked the morning cuddles, and of course, I liked the sex. But did I love it? Did I love him?

"Eloise," he said once again.

I lifted my head, my eyes meeting his. "I don't know."

"It's a simple question, yes or no. Do you love me? Because I sure as fuck love you and I need to hear it back."

"Matty, I don't know!"

"That's not an option!"

"Fine!" I yelled, standing up from the bed. "No! Okay? I can't say that I love you right now, and that's that. If that means I'm not allowed to love you ever, then fine! I don't love you, Matty."

He chuckled to himself, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He shook his head at me. "You can leave."

"Excuse me?" I replied, my voice still a little hoarse from yelling.

"You can leave." Matty stood up too, then rummaged through his pair of jeans from the night before and pulled out a wad of cash. "Here's some cab money to get home."

I didn't touch the money in his outstretched hand. "Are you fucking kidding me? You're actually doing this right now?"

He shrugged. Nonchalantly, he responded, "You don't love me. That's it for us, I guess."

"Matty, I don't think you realize what you're doing," I said, trying to stay calm but screaming on the inside. "Do I not even get a chance to love you?!"

He picked up my bag from the floor and put the money in it, then handed it to me. "No, I think not. I'm going away with the guys. We have a big tour coming up. Maybe I'll even leave early and do some sightseeing. I'll see if there are any flights leaving tomorrow I can jump on."

"Matty," I pleaded, "don't do this. Can't I have a chance?"

He shook his head. "I gave you a chance. I thought you felt the same way and you don't. You just need to leave."

"If that's what you honestly want, I will leave." And with that, I gave in. I obeyed his wishes and turned my back without a goodbye, and walked out into the harsh morning sunlight of a city I barely even knew.

A/N: Sorry this took so long to get up! But now it's summer and I'm mostly free during the days and PKODF will be one of my main priorities once again. Watch for updates on Wednesdays! xoxo Sadie