Thoughts

10/31/20 12:50 pm

(Kinda a rant/vent-)

I dont want to be alone. I'm scared of the future and what may come from it.  I'm used to being alone, but even still.. I'd like more attention. I wonder what its like to have a good family. Mines not bad, just not the best. I'd like to have one like my friend Rose. Her family is just so amazing and I feel loved whenever I'm at her place. Why can't my family be like that? Granted hers isn't perfect either. No family is. But from an abusive brother, a dead mother, a dad whos never giving me the attention I need, and me, whos a complete mess... It's better than this. 
I think I go through relationships so quickly, because I need attention and love. And I don't know any other way to get it. And so many times I think I'm in love, but being honest... I don't even know what love is. I think I'm in love now, but I cant even tell. I want to be happy, but normally my relationships I'm in, when they end, I'm even more depressed. 
And right now my partners are both super busy and I just- ... I'm really lonely.. and I could really use some hugs.. and someone to talk to... but the problem is.. I'm not honest... more than half the time I lie to myself.

I always push away the people I care about, cause I'm scared of them leaving me, which doesn't make sense but yet- here I am. I can never make up my mind for what I want. 

I want to be free. Free from the pain and free from the fear. Free from my family, free from... myself.. 

But I don't even know where to start...