7/26/23 4:33am

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by Silvis_Woods

by Silvis_Woods

I remember when I was younger, my mother was extremely mentally ill. She was Bipolar, and I remember that I would differentiate her personalities by 'good mom' and 'bad mom' and whenever 'bad mom' was out, I was terrified. I'd have to hide from her if it got too bad, but normally I'd just stay out of her way if possible. If not, I'd people please. Do absolutely anything I could to make sure she didn't hate me, or hurt me.
Recently I got tested for a few different mental illnesses, we're trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me.
Dad suggested I get tested for bipolar out of legit nowhere, It had never been something he even mentioned I might have.
I remember being shocked asf and looking at him with a face that screamed 'wtf do you mean'.
But I figured, hey, why not, it's unlikely I have it. Well, at least that's what I kept telling myself.
So we went and got me tested.
The tester, or doctor, or whatever you want to call her, diagnosed me with something called 'unspecified mood disorder' which for me, was them not sure if it it's bipolar that I have or just really bad depression.
When I heard that, I felt like I had been slapped in the face.
I don't want to be the type of mom who my own kids are scared of me, Or the type of mom whose kids avoid me and call me 'bad mom'
That- that would kill me...
So I'm absolutely terrified.
----

Now that I'm 18, I have to re-live all the pain that I felt when my mom first died. I was a teenager who just lost their mom, just another motherless kid.
But now I'm an adult. A motherless adult.
Over the last 4 years, I've passed so many milestones that I thought my mother would be there for.
And it only reminds me how many more are left.
I'll never have my mom again. No matter what I say or do, she's gone. Forever.

So far since she's died, some milestones that she missed out on have been:

-My first day of high school
-My first prom
-My first job
-My first paycheck
-Me quitting my first job
-Me getting my driver's license
-Me getting fired from my second job
-(and TMI-) My first positive sexual experience

and the number of ones that have yet to happen... ughk... this is gonna suck