Every Rose

6

The day had started off on a pretty bad note. It was raining, the ER was full to capacity, and I was the only on-call neurosurgeon because Derek had been in surgery all night and well into the morning before finally going home.

That, of course, meant that morning was busy from the get-go. It seemed like every single person in Washington needed surgery, which meant I'd spent my entire morning doing back to back surgeries. I'd barely seen Arizona all day

I was tired and cranky and irritated that the sun was so far away.

When lunch rolled around was when I finally saw her; the sun that broke through all the clouds. She had her hair pinned up out of her eyes, as she sat with an untouched sandwich in front of her.

Despite the fact that I'd spent the last six hours standing over a brain, she looked worse off than I was, which set all kinds of alarms off in my mind.

Her eyes were clouded over, a troubled look settled deep within them. As she sat and stared at the table, biting her thumb nail nervously, I worried about what could've happened to put her in such a state.

"What's up buttercup?" I ask, sitting next to her with a smile "you don't look like you're feeling all that well; is everything okay love?" As stupid as it sounded, her vibes were off. She wasn't herself, and I was beginning to worry.

"It's weird how well you know me" she murmurs, looking up into my eyes. "You just pick up on my emotions" she tilted her head to the side in curiosity, and studied my face for a moment before I spoke.

"Because all I want is for you to be happy. I can tell right now that something is bothering you, and if you want to talk about it you know you can" I answer, just wanting to help her feel a sense of normalcy again in her current state.

It's silent for a moment, neither of us make a move to speak, until she takes in a breath and nods.

"Remember the little girl" She starts, staring off into the distance, her voice empty as she gathered her thoughts "she's three, Sylvie, She's got cancer, she's terminal" she pauses, and I nod, remembering several nights prior when she'd been paged because of Sylvie's worsening condition.

"Her father wants me to operate, but I don't think it'll help" she continues, her voice monotone. I knew it devastated her each and every time she couldn't save a child. She'd told me about it before, about the guilt and the sadness.

"I'm so sorry" I murmur, moving to hold her hand in my own "I know it's part of the job, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt"

I felt her hand tighten its grip on my own, and I felt a bit of relief knowing that she felt safe enough to tell me what was on her mind.

"I wish I could save her, Amelia, I do" Arizona said, her voice breaking a little as she paused to take a breath "but she's not going to live much longer. She's not a surgical case anymore, I have to move on and stop thinking about it but I can't. Her poor Father is devastated"

It took a lot for Arizona to break down like this over a patient. She usually managed to keep her emotions under wraps at work.

"Hey, look at me" I took both of her hands and looked at her seriously "you did everything you could. And that's the job. You didn't fail her; if anything, you're going above and beyond to care this much. Because of you, this little girl now has one more person who will remember her as a little ray of sunshine, which may not sound like a lot, but it's a lot when you're three"

She thought for a moment, as my eyes just looked into hers, lost in how much I enjoyed admiring how blue her eyes really were.

"Thank you, Amelia" she smiles, really smiles. "I appreciate that. I appreciate you. Thank you"