Every Rose

2

She stayed with me that entire week; we'd both taken off of work, because I didn't know how to operate in the world anymore, and she didn't want to leave me alone.

"You don't need to babysit me, you know" I'd told her "I'm not a child. I can take care of myself" and in my mind, it sounded convincing; as much as I liked having her around, I didn't want her to stay because she felt obligated.

"The fact that you're feeling the need to tell me that, says otherwise" she had chuckled back "besides, I like taking care of you. It makes me feel wanted"

She was definitely wanted. She was prayed for, hoped for, wished for, she was the one person I longed to be around. The one person who made it feel even the tiniest bit better.

"I've got Sofia in a couple of days; if you want, you can come stay with us. Totally optional, of course, but I figured it would be lonely here" she explained to me, on the morning of the fifth day. "I'd love to have you; and Sofia will love you"

I chuckle, smiling into my coffee mug. "Kids tend to like me" Zola and Bailey were the apples of my eye; I adored them, and they loved me in return.

"Do you want any of your own?" She asks me, cutting her egg up into pieces with the side of her fork. It was only a question, a simple question, but it made a giant knot form in my throat.

"I, uh, I had one"

She looks up at me with wide-eyes, suddenly uninterested in her breakfast. "Oh Amelia" and it's the same tone she used when I broke down the day I told her I'd bought cocaine.

"I'd named him Christopher. He had an underdeveloped brain, essentially he had no brain" I explain, feeling my eyes well up. "I was his Mom for forty three minutes, the quickest forty three minutes of my life that I'd give forty three years to have back" tears rolled down my face, and I looked up to see her own eyes were filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry" she says, reaching over to hold my hands. "I am so sorry. I can't imagine" she looks so devastated, but she's strong. She's ready to hold me up if need be.

"He was beautiful" I smile through my tears "absolutely beautiful. God, nobody tells you how much you'll love your kid until you see him for the very first time" I was so detached from my pregnancy because I knew I wouldn't get to take home a baby; but the second he was born, I loved him. Despite trying not to, despite trying to act like I wasn't going to be a Mom, I still became one.

I held him, and the second I saw him I knew I'd give my life for his. Despite trying not to get attached, I still loved him more than life itself.

"I don't think I want any more kids" I tell her with a sigh "I can't go through that again. It broke my heart"

She nods, still holding my hand. "Sofia was born at twenty four weeks gestation, she was one pound, one ounce. We didn't think she'd made it, and it was the worst feeling in the world"

"I'm happy that Sofia was a success story; she's a beautiful little girl" I smile, knowing just how proud Mark was of his daughter.

"Callie and I tried for a baby after Sofia" she continues, I'm surprised for a moment "I was pregnant. But at the first ultrasound they said there was no heartbeat; it wasn't viable"

I remembered my first ultrasound, and finding out that my baby wouldn't live. I could've terminated, but I chose to carry him to term; he was my baby, he was Ryan's baby, and I couldn't bear to part with him.

"Oh Arizona" it was my turn to say, and she smiled a watery smile back at me "I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. The first ultrasound is supposed to be happy, but mine wasn't. Neither was yours" I sigh, my eyes flicking down to settle on our intertwined hands.