When the morning comes

29 | Hannah

If only it had been so easy.

Because after months of trying, I still wasn't pregnant. Do you remember that time? Of course you do..

Often I had stomach ache, and I would think I would finally be pregnant. The next thing I knew was that mother nature made its way through. I would be so disappointed that I couldn't help but cry, and you would be dead silent, lost in deep thoughts. After a few more months later, when you had been a teacher for half a year already, it still didn't work out and we decided to go to the doctors.

They couldn't find anything, told us to simply try two or three nights in a row in my most fertile days. Because of that, I had fully thrown myself into the idea of getting pregnant, which caused me to forget to enjoy the time we had together, just the both of us.

I remember you lying in bed after a long day of work, your eyes closing almost automatically, even when you were fighting hard to keep them open. "Please, amore. The doctor said that I'm most fertile now, this is our chance.." I'd watch you turn to your side, your tired eyes fixed upon my face. You'd stroke my cheek and give yourself to me fully, even when you were half in dreamland already.

The guilt when I think about that still creeps up sometimes. Why couldn't I open my eyes and see that us both, together, was simply a beautiful time, too? Why did I have to put so much pressure on the thought of getting pregnant, when God would give us our child at His own time? I'm still sorry about that, Zev.

Teddy talked to us a lot about it- he had always made us feel better about the situation. Although I never liked the comment he would make at some times. "You're both still so young.. there's enough time."

At one time, you came home and threw your backpack onto the couch, looking at me. You kissed my face gently, held it in your hands and whispered. "Let's go to the doctors again."

"Why?"

"Maybe I'm the problem." You frowned lightly, seemed to be in deep thoughts. "Maybe I'm not fertile, or whatever it may be that we cannot seem to get pregnant."

I had agreed, so in the next weekend that had followed, we had another appointment. We both had to undergo a few tests, examinations and conversations. Eventually, it had all been the same answer as before. Nothing is wrong, just try a little more.

There weren't many times where you showed your inner feelings, though I could always feel them. It wasn't like you wanted to hide them, or didn't want to talk about it- it was just the way you were. Your home situation had never taught you on how to speak out your thoughts, emotions and feelings. Then the society's pressure of being a man came upon that and lastly, it was just one of your characteristics.

But that day, I remember it so vividly. You were upset. Tremendously. In the car you were fighting back your tears and you spewed with words. "How can nothing be wrong? It's almost been a year."

No words could comfort the situation so that evening, we'd only held each other in bed and listened to each others breathing to calm ourselves. I read the story of the Bible about Hannah, who wasn't able to get pregnant either for unknown reasons. It was a story that sunk deep in my heart. Relatable, even though I wasn't as strong as Hannah had been in my opinion.

There was a moment where Hannah prayed to God in her despair, asked for a son and promised to give it back to God. And there he was, Samuel.

"Do you think this is what happens with us?" I had asked. You had shut the Bible, let out a deep breath and prayed in a whisper.

We fell asleep and the days that had followed, calmness laid upon us. I wondered if it had been your prayer. You went to work, I cooked, cleaned and did volunteer work at Papa's restaurant so now and then. It was a wonderful time. And slowly, I started to see the beautiful things about us being together again.

I loved cooking with you. Loved sewing and knitting you things. Loved watching you sleep. Loved listening to you reading to me. Books you liked, or things you had written yourself. And sometimes, we would carefully fantasize about a baby, in an innocent way.

The pressure of it was gone. And then God figured it was the right time to give us our first child.

Our beautiful Eden.. our first born daughter.

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Not really content about this chap, but oh well :(

Aurora and Zev.. what do you think of them as a couple?

Thoughts on Aurora?

And Eden..?

Leave your thoughts in the comments x