Camouflaged

prologue

I felt a warm breath on my face and my eyes flew open.

"Haider? What happened? Why are yo--?"

"Shhh." He gently patted my head and smiled.

"Duty calls", he said with a small smile. I could see the tears forming in his eyes.

"No. No, you're on leave. You're supposed to stay with your wife at times like these. Please. Please, don't -" He interrupted me by holding my face in his hands and placing a small peck on my forehead. I grabbed onto his hands as tears streamed down my face. Slowly, he moved away and his tears fell on my face. I couldn't help but sob louder. If I could, I'd never let him leave. But I signed up for this, didn't I?

"Hey, hey", he wiped the tears on my cheeks with his thumb. "The TTP ambushed another one of our trucks. 10 soldiers died. I need to be ther-"

"No. Please."

"I need to be there so that you two can have a safe place to live in, meray chaand."

I sobbed as he wiped my tears away, telling me to calm down and promising that he'll be back. Liar. He bowed down one last time towards my abdomen and told the little angel goodbye and walked away. Never turning away from me even once.

That was the last I saw of him; a small smile, watery eyes filled with love and tears, trying his best to assure me that he'll be back. He left and the door closed with a small click. Everything went black.

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20th March, 2021

I sat up with a jerk, feeling cool beads of sweat on my forehead.

Nightmares never scared me. Because I had them from a very young age; realizing I was alone in a big room, my family not opening the doors and leaving me outside with a creepy old man or walking into a big soccer field only to see a huge 'army' of dogs waiting or seeing the death of every person I've ever met.

So, no, nightmares never scared me.

This particular nightmare I just witnessed, however, wasn't exactly a nightmare. It's just my last memory of him; his bright face with his sparkling eyes, his soft smile and his gentle touch. Just a memory that has been haunting me for the past 7 years now. I closed my eyes and his face flew infront of my eyes. I breathed deeply and shifted my focus instead to the soothing voice of my mum reciting the Holy Qur'an and the soft snoring of the beautiful baby beside me. The birds were chirping away outside and somewhere farther away, a rooster called.

Sobbing quietly, I rubbed away at my eyes, trying to make the tears stop. At the same time, I heard the loud speaker of the nearby Masjid turning on and the faint sound of someone breathing in it.

I quickly sat up on the bed, leaned on the headboard, grabbed the dupatta that was sitting in a pile beside me and quickly threw it over my head as the Muezzin's voice rang through the speaker:

Allah Hu Akbar - 'Allah is the greatest.'

I closed my eyes, rested my head on the headboard, and gently ruffled the hair of my precious baby who was fast asleep. With the Muezzin's voice echoing in the surroundings, my mum stopped the recitation and the chirping of the birds halted as well, waiting for the A'zaan to end.

I slowly got up from the bed as the loud speaker was once again turned off. I could hear the springs as my mother got up from the bed and went to pray. The house had a eery silence hanging over it, in contrast to what it used to be.

I sighed and walked towards the washroom, brushed my teeth and made wudhu.

Walking out, I grabbed the prayer mat from the couch, placed it near the bed and wrapped the dupatta around my head like a hijab and prayed Fajr.

I was bowing on the prayer mat, making dua'a when I heard the door open and close. I quickly wiped at my tears after finishing the dua'a. With a teary smile, I looked up at my Ammi and she smiled back at me.

I folded the prayer mat and sat back on the ground after placing the prayer mat on the couch, again. Ammi sat on the corner of the bed and lightly ruffled the scarf on my head.

"I brought some milk for you."

"You should rest, Ma. I can get such stuff on my own. I did not ask you to come live with me for this."

She handed me the glass of milk she brought for me and kept looking at me with a smile on her face as I slowly drank the milk.

"I know, meray bachay. But I can't help it."

I smiled and placed my head on her lap.

"Haalay. It's your birthday today, bachay."

"Really?"

"Jee."

"Time really flies by, doesn't it? She's 6, I'm 30. It's been so long."

I looked outside, from the window, at the moon that was shining in all its glory and smiled, travelling to the past.

"Haalay, Rubina called yesterday." Ammi's voice brought me back to the present.

"Why? Oh." I realized.

"I'm not interested, Ma."

"Until when are you going to wait for him, bachay? She needs a father. You need someone to lean on. I won't be here to look after you for long. Then, what? Once I'm not here anymore?"

"Ma. Don't say things like that please. I'm be fine. I don't need anyone else. You and Duaa are more than enough for me."

"Haala e Noor, bachay. Please reconsider. He's willing to embrace both Duaa and the mess that you've become."

I looked at her with anger evident in my eyes. I knew I was a mess. I knew that Duaa could use a fatherly figure. But I don't want anyone else in his spot. I still wanted to believe that he was out there, breathing, wanting to come back.

I breathed deeply and looked away from the moon and towards Duaa. She was sleeping away, peacefully.

"I'll let you know. But don't get too hopeful."

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Picture Credits: matialonsortio

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lemme know if you like it. I changed the story altogether, typing this down.