Last Place You Look

Chapter 17

I think about her a lot. The person I could have been if he hadn't existed. She would have been strong, free. She sure as hell would have been in this tub so much earlier. She could have been happier.

And I think that's the hardest part. I'd spent two years of my life crawling after someone that was with me for appearances. I never actually mattered, especially not toward the end. He'd been chipping pieces of my sanity and dignity away the second his behavior started to change. And me trying to end my life was the cherry on top. I'd hit rock bottom.

And I know they say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up, but it didn't feel like that until a few months ago. Until I'd met Harry.

"I want you to know that I'm trying. I know it's probably frustrating to know that there's something wrong but not know what it is and how to fix it. But I'm trying. It's not a matter of trust and whether or not you have mine. It's about trusting myself. I want to tell you everything, but I'm not ready yet. But I'm trying and I need you to be okay with that for right now."

I stared down at my wrinkled fingers under the water. My hair fell in front of my face, shielding him from seeing the tears forming on my water line. But he pulled it back behind my ear.

"You have no obligation to share your thoughts with me. I will wait as long as you need me to so you can feel comfortable. I told you I don't want to be anywhere you're not and that will still stand tomorrow and every day after that."

Tomorrow and every day after that.

We stayed in the tub for a while longer, until we were both thoroughly wrinkled and lavender was leaking from every pore in our skin. We walked to my bedroom in towels and got ready for bed in silence. I'd done the same thing he had and cleaned out a drawer of my dresser for him to put some clothes in, as well as hangers in the closet.

He'd taken the time while I was with Kimmy to fill the newly emptied spaces with some of his things. He'd even added another picture to the memories I kept on my dresser. I picked up the golden frame to see a pictures of us on the swings at the farm we'd visited a few months ago. I was sitting on the swing and he was behind me, pushing me forward. Smiles covered our faces.

"I hope it's okay that I added a picture. I love every picture we have together, but hsi one is one of my favorites. You look so carefree, like nothing in the world mattered more than being on that swing."

"Thank you." I set the frame down where he'd put in but kept my eyes on it.

"What for?"

"Growing up in Cheshire."

He laughed from behind me.

"Come on, you cheeseball. It's late and we both have to work tomorrow."

He shut off the light, leaving me standing in front of the dresser but called me over when he saw me staying put.

Getting into bed had been the sweetest part of my day. Letting my body relax and letting the bad things from my day flow out of me as my muscles went to sleep was always the best feeling. Melting into Harry helped too. We fit together exactly how we should.

As I was drifting off to sleep, unconsciousness holding my hand, I heard a small whisper.

"I love you, Charlie." Just like he had the first time, he said it again as I drifted off into my dreams.

I didn't know how long it would take for me to become the person I should have been, or if I would become her, but I did know that everything was going to be okay as long as I went to sleep every night hearing him tell me he loves me.