The Great Coincidence [A Deancas College AU]

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"Sammy, I can't do it.." Dean choked, bringing the bottle of Scotch to his lips. Sam stared at him, at his brother, who was anything but healthy. He hadn't shaved, he had bags under his eyes, and his voice was lower, raspier, from screaming so much. Dreams of his father were reappearing, and nightmares of the incident that happened between him and Cas three months ago were playing in his head almost constantly.

He tried his best not to sleep, in fear of his dreams, and his nightmares.

"Dean, you can't stay in here and sulk. You have to forget about Cas-"

"Don't say that!" Dean exclaimed, interuppting him, green eyes suddenly so wide. "Don't say his name. Don't tell me to forget him, because I can't. You don't know what it's like, Sammy.. you don't know how terrible I feel after the one things I really, really loved left me. So don't say his name, and don't tell me to forget him, because I can't. I just can't."

Sam saw every ounce of pain in his voice, and in his face. "I'm sorry.." He sighed, sitting down on the couch. Dean stared at him, all pain and sadness in his face. He was so, terribly broken without Cas. He'd been broken before, yes, when he had lived with his father, but he'd never felt such a horrid pain. And it wasn't physical, but it was mental, and internal, because he ached all over. He ached all over when he'd wake up and Cas wasn't there, and he'd ache all over when he'd have a dream of his father and Cas wouldn't be there to comfort him.

He would ache all over when he knew that Cas wasn't coming back.

He wasn't.

He just wasn't.

"You have to take care of yourself. Eat real food. Stop drinking." Sam gestured to the multiple empty bottles of beer and whiskey, and a half-eaten sandwhich on the coffee table. "You have to get back to work, man. I'm not telling you that it's not okay to mourn, but you have to take care of yourself. What would he think, Dean?"

Dean put his face in his hands, shaking his head.

For a moment, Cas was there, running his fingers through his hair, but then he was gone, and it was just him and Sam in the room.

"I know, Sam.. I know what he'd think.. but I can't do it.." He paused himself, standing and putting his hands on the counter, ducking his head, shaking it.

"I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.." He breathed, tears falling down his cheeks. Sam looked at the back of his head, not talking, but standing. "I'm going to get you some food." Sam walked out of the door, shutting it, and Dean was left alone, no Cas to comfort him.

It was a feeling so terribly hard to get used to.

He was afraid he'd never get used to it.

---

Cas sat in the therapist's office, blank faced, staring off into space.

He put himself in there because he needed to be able to tell someone about what happened between him and Dean, and the lady, his therapist, Naomi, was very nice.

And to normal people, he looked so average, and so just, normal, when in reality. and internally, he was just not okay.

He was bad for Dean.

He saw what he was doing to him, and he told himself it was the right thing to stay away from him.

He had moved to New York, un-enrolling from Stanford and going to NYU, living with Anna, his sister.

"You have to call him, Cas.."

"No, I don't. I can't, Anna, you don't understand."

"Then get back on your anti-depressants. Go find some friends, Cas. You can't sit around all day and watch those stupid videos."