Surviving Nyx (C.Grimes/TWD) {{ON HOLD}}

TWENTY-EIGHT: Ownership

Daryl helped me get dressed once he saw how much I was shaking as I picked up the clothes, he treated the wounds with his miniature first-aid kit, some I didn't even know I got. Daryl hasn't said a word, neither have I since I said his name, I was so weak, I'm so disgusting. I shiver once again, not from the cold... from the loss of all my strength, from the loss of the last of my innocence, from the loss of ownership over my body, I feel like I'm grieving myself.

Once I was dressed, and all my wounds were tended to Daryl finally spoke up, "you don't need to talk about it until you are ready. But I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need to talk about it. Now let's get you back." I nod still slightly trembling as I make my way over to my bike, Daryl climbed onto his, "you sure you're okay to drive?" "Yes." Daryl accepted my answer cautiously, before we both took off towards the prison.

"Not a word to Noel, he'll blame himself. It was no one's fault but my own." I told Daryl as Rick opened the gate, Daryl didn't get the chance to argue as I walked drove start up into the yard. I carried my supplies onto cell block C, leaving it on the table there before disappearing to the library. I still haven't told anyone about this place, the only other person that knows about it is Carl, I wanted to make sure it was perfect before revealing it. I grab a beanbag carrying it behind the last shelf, so that I was hidden away whilst I broke down.

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Nyx told me not to tell Noel what happened to her before driving away from me. I understand why she doesn't want him to know, but I also know that he needs to know what happened, the group does, so we know how to handle it. I asked Rick to help me round up the others, meeting everyone where we usual hold council meetings. "What happened? Where's Nyx? Did you find her?" Noel badgers me, I sadly nod, "it's how I found her we need to discuss." I admit, taking a seat on the bench, "Nyx told me not ta tell ya because she didn't wan ya ta blame yourself for what happened to her, so before I say ating, I want ya to promise me ya know it's not your fault." I look directly at Noel, he looked very confused and worried about Nyx, "I know it's not my fault." Noel stared me straight in the eyes and I believe him.

"I was tracking 'er cuz when I got to the house, it was empty. I saw that dare was two sets of footsteps and I thought Nyx had recruited summone until I heard 'er scream. I ran to help 'er, but I was too late to save her, I was too late..." I started to tear up at the memory of Nyx's screams, and how terrified she was. "What do you mean too late you save her? She's back." Rick points out, Carol slides a hand on my back tryna comfort me, "when I got there, he had already dun it, he had already raped 'er." Tears were threatening to flow from my eyes as I saw the look on everyone's face, a mixture of surprised, angry and disgust.

"She was so scared, shakin', cryin' and bleedin'. I was too late to save her." I informed and repeated myself as I began to cry. Truth is I saw Nyx as a daughter to me, I know I'm not her actual blood but over the last few months I felt like a father to that little girl. All I wanted to do was protect her, make sure she was taken care of, let her realised that I'm here for her, but I couldn't protect her from this.

"How do we approach this?" Glenn questions the group, I shrug tears in my eyes, "well we can't force her to talk to us about it, that would almost be as bad as the actual experience for her." Noel spoke up, he obviously knew Nyx the best so we didn't doubt anything he said about her. "We don't pity her, she hates it." Maggie adds, reminding me of the day that T-Dog tried to comfort Nyx about her past.

"We can't ignore it either, that'll make her feel alone." Beth spoke up, we all nod in agreement. "We should give her some space whilst also showing her that we're here for her when she's ready." Carol started, everyone agrees, "but how do we do that?" I questioned her, "when it's clear she wants to be alone, let her be but also ask her to help with the chores, take her mind off things." Carl offers a solution. We all agree, as we stood up Noel approaches me and pulls me into a hug, I didn't expect it but I accepted it, hugging him back as we cried.

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I've been hiding in the library for two hours now, I've stopped crying, I don't think I have any tears left. I talked to gran again, she gave me some advice on how to deal with what has happened to me, it felt good to say it out loud even if it was to a ghost in my head. I still felt so disgusting, I get up deciding that I'm going to take a shower, scrub myself clean, not that I'll ever feel clean again. I go to my cell to see Carl and Noel reading comics together, I choose some clothes to change into, I was still shaking.

Noel stood up, helping me with gathering my stuff for the shower, I looked at him confused, my eyes full of hurt as I state "you know." Noel sadly smiled and nodded, "I know." I nod slowly, "does everyone know?" I ask him as we walk to the showers, my voice scratched against my throat causing me to hiss in pain, "not everyone, just our group." Noel informs me, I smile sadly, "ok, that's okay." I whisper as we arrive at the showers, Noel tells me he'll wait outside for me.

After taking a 30 minute shower, I felt a bit better, my muscles relaxed a bit and I was no longer bloody. I still felt a lot of weight on my chest, I think that's something that'll always be with me. I pulled on grey sweat pants, a white long sleeved turtle neck, throwing a black hoodie over it, making sure every inch of me was covered that was possible.

I didn't bother looking in the mirror, I couldn't face myself, I ran my hairbrush through my tangled golden lock, braiding my hair into two boxer braids. I pulled on checkered vans which I got from the mall during my last run. I picked up my red converse and white socks I was wearing today, I exit the shower as I'm tying the converse together with their laces.

"What are you doing?" Noel questioned as he follows me outside, I make my way to the closest outer fence. With one big swing I threw the shoes as hard as I could over the fence, causing them to disappear in the trees. I sigh lowly closing my eyes as I take in a deep breath, "did that help at all?" Carl's voice surprised me, "a little." I respond opening my eyes, and making my way towards the meal area. It was dinner time after all and I was starving.