Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

24 June, 1994 - Remember (II)

But Sirius... Lavinia didn't understand that. Didn't think she would ever understand that. How could a heart switch so suddenly? How had it been so easy for him to believe that Peter had done this? How had he ever thought that anything would be made better by revenge? How could he ever try to harm someone he had known for so long?

And the truth was that it probably would have been easier to write it all off and forgive him if it weren't for the fact that she had been there. She knew what it felt like to know people on the other side. To love people on the other side. To watch her friends hurt her friends and yet... she had never once thought to punish them for it. She had never once thought to turn her own wand on them. Never.

And true, it wasn't the same because those friends had never pretended to be anything but what they were so they had never betrayed her, never shocked her. But even knowing Peter was guilty... no part of her had thought he had deserved the death she'd thought he'd been given. No part of her had wished him dead at all. And yet it seemed that each and every fiber of Sirius had. And she simply did not understand that. Did not understand how the hate in his heart could have overwhelmed the love she knew he was capable of.

And, she supposed, it was that lack of understanding that made it so much harder to forgive. So much harder to forget.

But that also didn't mean it was right for her to yell at him, to condemn him. Just because she didn't understand it didn't necessarily make it wrong. Besides which, she had taken some very cheap shots. She had said things that she knew would hurt because some awful, selfish part of her had wanted to make sure he knew that he wasn't blameless either. That even if she had made mistakes, and plenty of them... well. He had too. And he didn't get to pretend to be a saint while condemning her as the sinner. Which was awful and selfish and all that, but... but her heart had been screaming and she hadn't known how to make it stop.

And then, of course, there was the problem of Remus, who had been caught in the crossfire of two who had loved and lost and didn't know how to reconcile their broken hearts. Remus, who had come home early and she didn't know why. Who had looked so happy sitting next to his friend when she'd walked in and so heartbroken when she'd left. Remus. Who she had lied to, if only by omission. Remus. Her friend. Who had deserved the truth all along and hadn't had it because Lavinia herself was small and selfish and hurting.

She would apologize to him. Over and over. She would get down on her knees and beg his forgiveness if she had to because it had been awful of her and she knew it. Had known it, even when she'd made that choice. And yet she had still done it. And now... now she didn't remember why. Didn't know how to explain it, even to herself. So all she could do was ask forgiveness and promise she would never do it again.

And as for the rest of it... she didn't know what happened now. Innocent or not, the ministry was still hunting Sirius and it wasn't safe for him to stay here. Surely they would think to look in the house by the sea eventually and he couldn't be there when they did. He would need to be on the run for... well forever, really. Perhaps eventually, the search would die down, but he would still have to be careful. He would still have to tread lightly and... and she didn't know if she would ever be able to see him again, once he left here. She didn't know if they would ever get the chance to repair the many broken things between them. She didn't even know if she wanted that chance.

"I take it whatever you needed to do today went well," Ethan observed sarcastically after a long moment of silence, pulling Lavinia from her thoughts.

"Spectacularly," she replied with equal sincerity, dropping her hands from her face and giving him a flat look as she pushed herself into a proper sitting position.

Ethan chuckled slightly for a moment, then sighed. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently.

Lavinia sighed and shook her head, looking away from her friend. She didn't know how to talk about this. Not with him and not with anyone. How could she possibly explain that her ex fiance was a convicted murderer, but had come back and was apparently innocent and now she was confused and hurting and didn't know what the hell to think of him. What to feel for him. Besides which, if she did have that conversation with anyone, which she didn't think she would, Ethan was not the person it would be with. She loved him dearly but this... this was not his area of expertise. And this was not the sort of relationship they had.