LOVE BUG

CHAPTER 43: CONTRAST

'We serve and protect', Anastasia swallows the lump that seems to have lodged itself in her throat since a few days as she walks by the solemn inscription. She still remembers when she has first read it on her first day here. Though now, the words don't echo the same way inside. 

If she had known... The Anastasia from then would never recognize herself.

At the time, her only concern has been her dream to become a lawyer, and even if it is still a point she will have to deal with sooner than later, in a few weeks, it has been pushed to the back of her mind, under the pile of worries that are taking up all the space as she makes her way through the now-familiar narrow hallway.

She is standing in front of her locker before she can even realize it, and it is still as absent-mindedly that she dives her hand in her heavy bag, groping for the tiny rectangle of metal in the silky black liner. It's probably the first time she arrives by the lock without her key in hand, and she is cursing her out-of-character forgetfulness when instead, her fingers come in contact with a bigger rectangular device that seems to be taunting her.

There is nothing to see, except her reflection on the black screen, which she hasn't switched on since yesterday, and yet she is staring blankly at it, too many images passing before her eyes and making her stomach shrivel. 

She hasn't known a simple phone could have so much power over her. But it isn't the inanimate device; it's the dozens of unread texts and missed calls it contains that make her grip tighten around it. 

Nathaniel, that's what the black screen is screaming at her.

She knows there are lots of chances she will run into him here, and if she is already paralyzed in front of a phone, she can't imagine what she will do in front of his chocolate brown eyes.

She hasn't come up with any answers to her doubts and fears. She needs more time, but time is something they don't have, and the deadline of the wedding bells keeps getting closer with each tick-tock of the clock.

Just the thought of her wedding brings back a crawling uneasiness under her skin. What has happened yesterday with Fergus, that's maybe the main reason why she is avoiding Nathaniel right now. 

She isn't mad at him. Has she ever been actually? She is just angry at herself for throwing herself at Fergus just after running away from Nathaniel. It has been desperate and thoughtless, and now, she has to add embarrassment to the high pile of emotions inside. 

She is afraid Nathaniel will catch it through her eyes and see it as betrayal because that's what it feels like in her twisting stomach, even if it is ridiculous when Fergus is her future husband and Nathaniel is married. Their 'let it be' agreement shouldn't include guilt toward each other or jealousy.

Jealousy, that is the sourness adding up to the pang in her stomach as she imagines Nathaniel with his wife the same way she has been with Fergus and maybe even closer.

This 'let it be' is really getting out of hand, out of her hand, a little like her phone when some of her colleagues enter the room, and she catches it just in time before it can crash on the floor.

Luckily, all her colleagues are busy with their own things, so a greeting with a forced smile is enough to cover her distressed stare and the slip-up.

It's the morning rush. The shift is starting soon, and everyone's main preoccupation is getting changed and ready. All these women can't guess what is going on through Anastasia's mind. Though with the locker room quickly filling, and the voices greeting each other, the locker doors slamming, and the fabrics ruffling, the loud buzzing it is forming resembles a lot the overwhelming sensations fusing inside her body.