Child Of The Future

Episode 25: Completely Bitter Sweet

               Well, I'd rather be sober anyway instead of tipsy and sh1t. Besides, I'm kinda cowering out on this.

               "What do you mean lose it?" I frown and begin to tug the knots out of my hair, licking my bottom lip before piecing together what she means.

               Of course she'd ask that. Why wouldn't she ask that? Duh! She's asking me about THAT!?

               "Are you planning to give that little boy somethin' tonight?" Roberta smiles showing her surprisingly white teeth. Thought they'd have rotted out by now, wow. "If you wanted tips on the first time, just remember, it's gonna hurt like fvck." She slowly says the last word, squinting when she does and licks her teeth which makes me widen my eyes.

               Ok, then. I think I'm beginning to remember why sex scarred me before.

               A second after and everyone's laughing at her, and obviously I was just the butt of a joke. I really don't get women like this. And it's still pissing me off that my breasts aren't as sensual as I'd like. I wouldn't want them to be double deckers, like, DD, but fvck, at least bigger so I don't feel so left out of the sexy loop.

               Thoughts like this are exactly the kind of thing I shouldn't be thinking about. I need to skip over it and focus on something else, but when I try, I just keep going back to Carl.

               It's actually pretty weird. Earlier after I said sex he went completely tongue tied and we were discovered by Daryl...again. He made some joke about 'keeping it in the closet' and again, we were separated by different people fawning over us.

               I feel like some sort of mascot.

               He can sue me all he wants, but I was going to talk to him about it. Unsteady as I am about the subject, slightly nervous at the idea of being with him to that level so soon after getting together with him, I- fvck I don't know!

               It's really confusing what I want, and maybe it's a gigantic mistake to want to do it with him so soon, but it doesn't feel like a mistake. It feels like...a good idea. I don't know. I just want to think about it and finish up the thought before my head explodes.

               Me being with him, the guy I love. It'd be, him seeing me naked, and seeing me in my most 'vulnerable state' my most genuine and embarrassing moment, fvck, it'd be showing myself emotionally and physically.

               I don't think I'm ready for that! I mean I thought I was but thinking about him smothering me under his naked chest while breaking my-fvcking sh1t! I forgot it about condoms!

               I wonder if they have any here. Oh my gosh, what if they do? What if it hurts? It's gonna fvcking hurt, it's my first time.

               The first time it hurt a little. He wasn't that big.

               My eyes widen at Estela's past words, and I'm running around in a circle mind wise, tugging at my hair, screaming at myself for even wondering if it's going to hurt a little or a lot concerning Carl's...Uh. His...his...p-

               NO! I don't want to think about it! I won't!

               "Spes? Is that what you were going to do tonight!?" Kitty's eyes widen when I don't answer any of them for a few minutes.

               Fvck no...wait. I already implied to Carl that I was thinking about it. That I was brave enough and desperate enough to do it tonight. Sh1t! What if he's already expecting it?