When the morning comes

23 | English teacher logic

"Have you been staring at me sleep? Creepy." Benjamin mumbled out, stepping with his bare feet onto the floor. With his hair disheveled and the pattern of the stuffed horse pressed into the skin on his arm, he looked young, vulnerable. Sadness washed over me. "Isn't it everyday? A father- son day. Wasn't that what you told me? Do you hear yourself?"

Guilt almost made me throw up, but as I had taught myself, I pushed my feelings away. I stood up from his bed, sighed deeply as I shoved open his curtains and stared outside the window. "I thought you'd maybe like a movie."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"What about?"

"Ferdinand is playing. About bulls."

Benjamin remained silent. I wondered if I had hit a string of his heart, remembering it was the reason of a discussion between us last time. Even if it had been the book. Turning my face to him, I saw how he was staring down at his wiggling toes, his hair falling into his eyes.

"It's okay if you don't want to." I mumbled out. "Just thought you would like it."

The look that appeared in his eyes when he looked up at me had something vague about it. Like he was saying something, but I couldn't figure out what. At all. "Do I get to choose what to eat after for dinner?"

"Sure." I shrugged. "That's how it always has been, hasn't it? Do you want to go?" Had I lost his trust? That even our tradition raised questions in his mind? The certainty I had always given him, fading slowly?

Benjamin swallowed, pushed the blankets away and stood up from his bed. "Get out of my room." A deep frown creased his forehead. "I need to change."

I took it as a yes.

A pre-teen, but at the same time a child. He thought the movie poster and the first impressions of the movie seemed childish, but when we stood in front of the popcorn he needed the popcorn bucket that displayed the bull Ferdinand. He chose sweet popcorn with M&M toppings, which was just an expensive waste of money as the tiniest package got dumped over the popcorn. However, Benjamin seemed content, and that was what I wanted for him. I hadn't seen him often lately, because of work and the situation of Gloria and Davu. It was the least I could do to make it up to him. Perhaps, a somewhat, needed, break for him too, even if it was only for one day.

When the movie started, he had eaten one third of the popcorn already. His bottom barely hit the seat- he was sitting on the edge. His eyes were wide and his expressions moved along with the expressions of the characters in the movie. He cracked a smile so now and then, but with the lamest things, I would hear the sweet laughter of his that I hadn't heard in a very long time.

Even though the things he would laugh at were lame, in some ways because I laughed as hard, I couldn't keep my eyes off my smiling son. It had been so long since I'd seen him happy like this, and I wondered why I couldn't make him smile anymore like I used to. Did he mirror my own behaviour, or was it something else, I didn't know.

I stared at the gap between his front teeth, the way his grey eyes sparkled. And in all his excitement, he turned to me, reached for my wrist and whispered loudly. "The bee will sting his butt now and he will go crazy."

Slowly, my smile turned in confusion. "How do you know that?"

Benjamin's smile faded and he quickly stuffed his mouth full with popcorn. Clever. I thought. He'd been taught not to talk with a mouthful. And this way, he could think about an answer. "I just.. Nolan went- Arthur.."

"They went to the movie, too?" I whispered back, apologising to the mother who glared at me as I talked too loud for her liking.

Benjamin furrowed his eyebrows. "Be quiet, Papà. I can't hear the movie."